Haunted Anniversary

I’m dead and bored. Being a ghost is the worst, you are in the exact clothes you die in for eternity in my case that is a decaying zombie outfit. You also have no powers and basically just walk around observing things and occasionally have people walk through you. The vast majority of people are rather boring to watch, so I tend to stay in the mostly abandoned warehouse that I died in. Its typically empty except for the odd rebellious teenager deciding to spray paint the dirty white walls or homeless man looking for a dry place to sleep. The only week it is not, is this week. Three days before the workers began setting up and today is the day they open.

Sadly today is also the one-year anniversary of my death and to fall even further into the ghost stereotype, it’s also Halloween, I guess that explains the zombie look. Long story short, heart conditions and haunted houses that require a waiver are not a good mix. My ex disagreed; my heart decided to prove her wrong. Regardless I am standing here bored waiting for the same haunted house that killed me to start back up, if this isn’t proof that bad luck doesn’t stop when your heart does, then I don’t know what to tell you.

The workers began moving into positions and with the lights on it is hard to see what killed me in the first place. The faded black hanging marking off the narrowish walkways and the sad teenage workers with streaky dollar store makeup.

“Did you hear Brad killed someone last year?” A rather pathetic clown asked a semi-sad looking witch.

“No he didn’t, that just some rumor he made up to get rehired after drinking last year.” A person that I believe was supposed to be a mummy but honestly resembled a lost fight with toilet paper replied. Also yes sad mummy, he did and apparently my death allowed Brad to keep getting money to bribe twenty-year olds to buy him beer, I’m so glad my death had meaning.

The clown went to respond when the lights flashed and all the workers scurried to their little hidden areas before it went dark thirty seconds later. Even in the dark this place did not look like it could kill someone so I couldn’t blame the toilet paper tornado for being skeptical. I was trying to decide how to spend the time since there were people in my space.  

 I wonder if I can go through the haunted house dead and actually enjoy it? I headed to the front to find out. The entrance to the haunted house was designed to look like a twisted graveyard complete with a gaudy “Monster Graveyard” at the top. It was cheesy, but they still had a guy moving down the line getting people to sign release forms and he looked a little paler than last year.

“Babe, don’t worry it’s not that scary.”

“I feel like my heart is racing.”

A guy dressed as an army man and girl dressed as a fairy were near the front of the line. She was practically bouncing as she typed on her phone, while he was pale white and kept glancing as the strobe lights at the entrance. Before he could say anything else, the house was opened and the group was ushered inside, so I followed. It’s dark and the strobing lights make me appearing invisible to my own eyes.

We walked in through a curtain that opened to a darkened room and came upon an electric chair with a body that lunged at the group. Everyone screamed and ran into the next room, while I calmly walked after them. I’m beginning to understand what all the fuss is about, its not so bad when you don’t have to worry about your heart stopping. The next room had the clown asking the kids to come play with him. A football player in the group nervously laughed and said “Perv” to everyone’s laughter. The group continued to a hall make to look like a darkened forest complete with a smoke machine.

“Run, run, run as fast as you can. I will catch you I’m the hatchet man.” Came from a worker dressed in bloody overalls, with an admittedly realistic looking plastic hatchet, that appeared behind the group. The girls shrieked and the fairy pushed the army man over in her haste to get away from the worker. The army guy fell on the ground and did not move, despite the rest of the group running him over on their exit from the hallway. He may have been missed altogether in the fog if plastic hatchet hadn’t tripped over him. He knelt down and shook the kid.

“Kid get up. No, no, no not again. Help!” Not again? This must be Brad. I think he needs a new job to fund his booze. Other workers converged on the area and pushed away the Halloween guests that had backtracked to find the kid. Someone called the ambulance and went outside to wait for them. Meanwhile the whole set of workers just stared at the body, while occasionally glancing at Brad. The liability waiver guy was beginning to look paler than I was. When the ambulance arrived the EMTs began rushing through the maze, which honestly made for the weirdest image in strobe lights, I saw the army ghost standing off to the side. He looked lost and confused so I figured he probably needed some sort of explanation. When I got closer, I realized he was talking to himself in a slightly panicky tone.

“What is happening? Is this part of the haunted house, but if it is why is the ambulance here?”

“They are here for you dude.” I replied.

He spun around to face me. “Who are you?” An EMT walked through me on his way to the body. “Oh my god, are you a ghost?”

Was I this stupid when I died? “Yep, so are you. Welcome to the club, we don’t have t-shirts cause we can’t change clothes.”