THE HORIZON IS FLAT, AND SO ARE MY HOPES

Hello, Steve, it's me.

Ralph, why are you calling me at - hold on, let me check the time - two in the morning?

Because I was up thinking, and I realized something important. This can't wait.

This had better not be another one of your flat Earth rants.

It's not a rant, Steve. It's a logical discussion about the truth.

The truth is that you think the Earth is flat.

Not think. Know. The Earth is flat, Steve; deep down, you know it too.

Here we go.

Answer me this. If the Earth is spinning at a thousand miles per hour, why don't we feel it?

Because we're moving with it. You don't feel speed when it's constant. Same reason you don't feel the Earth moving around the sun.

So, you're saying we're flying through space on some giant carnival ride, and I'm supposed to believe it feels like… nothing?

Yes. That's exactly how it works. Physics.

Physics. Always with the physics. Let me ask you this, Steve. If the Earth is round, why is the horizon flat? Every time I look out at the ocean, it is flat. Not even a curve.

The horizon looks flat because the Earth is massive. You're too small to see the curve.

Too small? I've been on a plane. Thirty thousand feet in the air. Guess what? Still flat.

Planes don't fly high enough for you to see the curvature. You'd need to be in space.

Oh, space. Of course. The magical place where no one can verify anything for themselves. Convenient.

Proven. By astronauts. By photos. By satellites.

Photoshop, Steve. You've seen those so-called pictures of Earth from space. Ever notice how they look a little… too perfect? Was someone trying to sell you something?

They're perfect because they're real. High resolution.

You're telling me the government just handed over the truth? The same government that hides aliens covers up Bigfoot and charges us extra for guacamole.

This is entirely different, Ralph.

Is it? Or are you just too brainwashed to see it?

Brainwashed? I'm not the one who thinks the sun is a desk lamp shining on half the Earth at a time.

Desk lamp? I never said that. The sun is a sophisticated celestial body that moves like a spotlight. Illuminates one part of the Earth while the rest stays in darkness.

That is not how the sun works.

How do you know? Have you been to the sun?

What? No one's been to the sun.

Exactly. So how can you be so sure?

Because science has been studying the sun for centuries.

Oh, science again. Let me guess. Gravity?

Yes. Gravity explains…

Magic glue, Steve. Gravity is just the excuse they use when they run out of explanations. Is water sticking to a spinning ball? Gravity. Planets orbiting? Gravity. Are my keys falling off the table? Gravity. How much can this one force do before people start asking questions?

Gravity is literally the fundamental force that governs the universe.

Fundamental force. You mean the imaginary glue they made to keep their precious spinning ball theory alive.

Ralph, if gravity weren't real, how would you explain why water doesn't fly off the Earth?

The Earth is stationary. Water doesn't need glue to stay in one place if the Earth isn't spinning.

Do you think the Earth doesn't move at all?

Exactly. And that's why planes don't have to adjust for the Earth spinning beneath them. If the Earth were rotating, planes would chase moving runways every time they landed.

Planes move with the Earth, Ralph. It's called momentum.

Momentum? That's just another one of your buzzwords. For example, when you told me your dog ate your homework in ninth grade,

That happened, Ralph.

Sure, it did, Steve. And I bet your dog believes in gravity, too.

You know what? Fine. If the Earth is flat, where's the edge?

What edge?

The edge. The part where people fall off.

No one falls off.

Why not?

Because there's a massive ice wall surrounding the flat Earth.

An ice wall.

Yeah. You know, like in that show with the dragons. The government guards it so no one can cross it.

Are you hearing yourself right now?

Are you hearing yourself? You're the one who thinks we're all glued to a spinning ball hurtling through space like a cosmic carnival ride.

Because that's what's happening.

It's not happening. And one day, Steve, when I've saved enough money, I will charter a boat and sail to the edge myself.

What do you think you'll find?

The truth.

What truth?

That everything you believe is a lie.

I can't believe I'm even having this conversation.

You should be grateful I care enough to share this knowledge with you.

Grateful? Ralph, I've lost hours of sleep because of your ridiculous theories.

Ridiculous? You mean revolutionary.

No, I mean ridiculous. And exhausting.

Then why have you yet to hang up?

Because I can talk some sense into you.

Good luck with that. You'll never talk sense into me, Steve, because I'm not a sheep like you.

A sheep.

Yeah, you know, blindly following the herd. Baah. That's you.

I am not blindly following anything. I'm following facts, evidence, and basic logic.

Basic logic? Like believing in a magical force that keeps oceans stuck to a spinning ball but lets birds fly wherever they want? Why don't birds stick to the ground if gravity is so strong?

Because gravity doesn't work like… never mind. Birds fly because of lift.

Lift? Another one of your made-up words?

It's not made up. It's aerodynamics.

And who made that up? Big Science?

Big Science is not a thing, Ralph.

Sure, it is. They're just like Big Pharma or Big Oil. A bunch of rich guys in lab coats sitting around a table, plotting how to keep the truth hidden.

The truth about what?

About everything, Steve. The Earth. Space. Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs?

Yeah, you know they're fake, right?

Oh, no.

Think about it. How convenient that all the dinosaurs died out millions of years before we arrived. There were no witnesses, just a bunch of bones they dug up and glued together however they wanted.

Ralph, dinosaurs are real.

Then why have you yet to see one?

Because they're extinct.

That's what they want you to think.

Who are they?

The same people who invented gravity, Steve. Stay with me here.

You think someone invented gravity.

Of course. It's the perfect scam. They made it up to control the narrative. Do you know what else they made up? The moon landing.

Oh, for the love of…

Explain how they had Wi-Fi strong enough to stream video from the moon in 1969 when I couldn't even get a decent signal in my living room.

They didn't stream it over Wi-Fi, Ralph.

Then what did they use? Magic?

Radio waves. And it wasn't live-streamed. It was broadcast.

Broadcasted? Like one of your so-called satellites on wires?

Satellites aren't on wires.

Then how do they stay up there?

Orbital velocity.

Orbital velocity? That's the best you've got. Sounds like something you'd say when you're bluffing in Scrabble.

It's a real thing, Ralph.

Sure, it is. Just like those grainy moon videos of astronauts bouncing around like they're on a trampoline. Fake. All of it.

It wasn't fake. It was filmed on the moon.

It was filmed in a studio. Kubrick did it.

Stanley Kubrick? The guy who made The Shining?

Exactly. He was a genius.

So, a genius filmmaker faked the moon landing. Still, you can't accept that a team of scientists put people on the moon.

Correct.

I cannot believe I'm friends with you.

Friends? Steve, I'm your best friend. Who else challenges you to think for yourself?

Thinking for myself doesn't mean abandoning reality.

Reality is subjective.

Reality is not subjective, Ralph.

It is when you realize the Earth is flat and dinosaurs are a hoax.

You're impossible.

And you're asleep. One day, when you wake up and realize I was right, you'll thank me.

The day I thank you is when I walk to the edge of your so-called flat Earth and jump off.

Good luck finding the edge. The ice walls guarded.

Guarded by who?

The government.

Which government?

All of them.

Are all the governments in the world secretly working together to guard an ice wall?

Finally, you're getting it.

I am not getting it, Ralph.

Of course not. Your brain's still spinning on that imaginary ball.

Are every government in the world working together on this?

They might pretend to fight over borders and taxes, but they're all on the same team regarding the ice wall.

Ralph, these are the same governments that can't agree on where to put a Starbucks. Do you think they've managed to keep a giant conspiracy secret for centuries?

Exactly. It's the perfect cover. No one suspects the incompetent ones.

And how are they guarding this supposed ice wall?

With ships, Steve. Massive fleets patrolling the edge 24/7. And probably drones.

Drones.

Yeah. The government is obsessed with drones. Why do you think Amazon has them? It's just practice for ice wall patrols.

So, do you think Jeff Bezos is interested in this?

He's one of the top guys. Billionaires love secrets.

This is completely insane.

Is it? Or is it insane to believe we're living on a ball spinning faster than the speed of sound, hurtling through space without flying off into the void?

We're not flying off because of…

Let me guess. Gravity?

Yes, Ralph. Gravity. Again.

And where exactly does this magical force come from?

From the mass of the Earth.

The mass of the Earth. You're just making up words now.

I'm not making anything up. It's essential physics.

Oh, physics. The same physics that says water can bend around a curve but can't hold its shape in my glass if I tilt it too far.

That's not the same thing.

It's the same thing. Water doesn't bend, Steve. It's flat, just like the Earth.

Ralph, you're oversimplifying everything.

Or you're overcomplicating everything.

I'm not the one claiming the government has secret ice wall fleets and Jeff Bezos is their admiral.

Admiral Bezos has a nice ring to it.

I need to hang up.

You won't. You're too curious.

I'm not curious, Ralph. I'm exhausted.

Admit it. Part of you wonders if I'm right.

Not even a little.

Then why are we still talking?

Because I keep thinking there's a chance you'll say something that makes sense.

I already have. You just refuse to see it.

You've said nothing but nonsense for the past twenty minutes.

Nonsense? Steve, this is the kind of thinking that changes the world. Every great mind in history was called crazy at some point.

Oh, here we go.

Galileo. Da Vinci. Tesla. They all challenged the status quo.

You're comparing yourself to Galileo now?

Why not? He stood up to the church. I'm standing up to Big Science.

Ralph, Galileo literally proved the Earth is round.

Only because he didn't have access to the internet like I do.

Oh my god.

Do you even research, Steve?

I don't need to research, Ralph, because I passed middle school science.

Science taught by who? People trained by the system. You're just parroting what they want you to believe.

And you're parroting whatever nonsense you found on YouTube.

YouTube is full of independent thinkers. People who ask questions.

And never answer them.

Oh, I have answers. You're just not ready for them.

I'm ready for bed.

Typical round-Earther. Can't handle the truth, so you run away.

I'm not running away. I'm hanging up.

Go ahead. Hang up. But remember this conversation when you see Admiral Bezos's fleet on the news.

If that ever happens, Ralph, I'll buy you a ticket to the edge of your flat Earth.

Deal. And when I'm proven right, you can buy me a telescope to spot the ice wall guards.

Fine.

Fine.

Goodnight, Ralph.

Sleep tight, Steve. Don't let gravity pull you off your bed.