Bright or Obscure

I am in line at the drive-through, waiting for lunch. It is busy, and the line is long. I guess it is a Sunday. It doesn't feel like a Sunday... but I am okay with that. Especially this time of year...

-~-

There we sat, side-by-side. It may have seemed ridiculous, but her and I liked to sit on the lake dock this time of year. It was our tradition. The first year we started, we brought Christmas lights and strung them out on the edges of the deck. And here we were again, our feet barely dangling over solid ice. 

"Anna."

She simply turned and looked into my eyes. Then leaned back into my arms. 

The silence was golden with the auras of stars that twinkled infinite-- in our atmosphere. Not just in the smoky sky above.

"I know what you are thinking," she said. I tilted my head slightly to look down. 

"We have been together a long time," she continued. "And you love me."

Yes, I squeezed her tighter. Yes, I do. 

She pulled away and turned around to face me. 

I signed to her. 

"I wish I could speak right now."

She interrupted, "But I love you just the way you are."

I took her hands in mine, then withdrew them. "Will you marry me?"

Thump, she moved to sit beside me, feet dangling over the ice. She pointed. "Do you see the stars?"

I nodded.

"They burn. For millions on millions of years. But even they die," she heaved, her blonde curls sagging.

I turned her face gently towards mine. 

"I will love you like the stars."

She looked down.

"I am just so scared it doesn't exist."

She began to cry, silent tears falling from her eyes. Trails frozen in time.  

She leaned back for a moment suspended in forever.

Turning back, she kissed me, the gelid rivers of her tears brushing my cheeks.

And she signed.

"Goodbye."

She didn't believe in forever.

-~-

Honk! I wake up and feel the same frigid tears on my face now, except I know I am warm.

I pull forward, then pull down my visor to look in the mirror. I dig deep into my pockets. But I feel no tissue. Only paper. I unfurl it. 

When you thought I was staring into your eyes, 

I was really gazing into the sky:

the color and contrast the brightness of starts that lasts

three million years and past

whatever flame of passion this is.

It killed me. To think I could not look into his eyes that night, so I gazed into the distant stars that tore me up. So I could leave him. 

Why? Why did I do it?

I don't know. I was broken. And I was wrong.

But I couldn't go back. 

A speaker crackles, "Hi, my name is... what would you like to order today?"

-~-

Back home, I plop on the couch. But an inner grouch bothers me, nagging me to get ready for the gift exchange in two hours. I sit there, listless but annoyed. Ring,,, Ring,,,, It gets to me, and once I stand up I realize the phone is ringing. I reach to pick it up, but it goes to voicemail. Ringg-- 

"Honey, I am sorry. I don't care about any of that-- your disabilities or anything. I love you for you. I know I act strange sometimes. I guess I just have weird ways of coping or dealing with things, but that doesn't change how much I love you and I want you to be my wife, Samantha. Please, please, do not give up on me. Please pick up--"

I pause, then pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Samantha?" He is surprised. "I know this is the wrong way to ask, but will you marry me?" He asks.

"Sir...you have the wrong number."

"Oh," he coughs, probably embarrassed. "Sorry," he wheezes, hanging up quickly.

I hold the phone. I almost wish it wasn't wrong. I half-lower it, then set it back on the receiver. Time to get ready.

-~-

I have arrived. And I am inside, standing near the buffet. Looking down, watching over dozens of cookies.

"Hey, Anna," says my cousin, Matthew.

"Hey, Math."

Math laughs and I smile, as we stare and watch while the children chase and laugh without care. I remember I used to be like that. We all did.

"Anna," nephew Arnold approaches, so stealthily I had not noticed. Children really creep up on you, sometimes. 

"Yes?" I ask, in a lilting voice that crescendos. 

"I have a question."

"What's that?"

"I really like you," he says, showing his missing teeth.

"Oh, well, I like you, too." 

I come up beside him and ruffle his hair. But he steps back out in front of me. And I pick up my drink from the adjacent counter.

"Really? Because I am going to marry you someday!" He announces.

I almost choke on my soda, but manage to contain myself enough to swallow just before laughing hilariously. I laugh and laugh, and Math joins in.

"What is wrong, Auntie?"

Math pats me on the back, and I cough out a reply. "Nothing, Arnie."

Math saves me, "She is just floored, that's all." He smiles an assuring smile at Arnie. Why don't you go and play tag with your cousins?"

He obliges, running off to do Math's bidding.

I look mischievously at Math. And let out a small laugh, but something in my throat feels tight. I return to my previous thoughts. Of how I was just like that, too. A child. I took risks and loved with all I had in my little heart. I would do anything and take any chance. It was that simple. Why hadn't I done that for Bryan? 

I begin to turn away from the counter and walk past Math. He grabs my hand. 

"Are you okay?"

 "Yeah." I sniffle. "I will you see you later."

"Are you sure, Anna?"

I nod, then hasten my steps. Throwing one last smile in Arnold's direction, I head out the door, walking quickly and jumping in my car. I need to get out of here. 

I drive, trying not to choke. Somewhere. Anywhere.

The dock. 

I get to the adjacent road and brake. Walking to the dock, I know I would not have thought to face this place. I guess I am just starting to give in. Or realize some things. To let me myself think and feel.

I know I blew it. I know it is my fault I feel this way. I know that Bryan probably cares, but I do not know if he has continued to feel pain like I do. Maybe he is with someone else by now. Maybe he is happy. Unless, he is miserable. And I do not know, but can't make it better anyway.

I gasp silently. 

-~-

There he is. Sitting on the deck. Christmas lights present, but unlit. It is dark, but I know it is him.

"I will burn and die for you," an inner voice speaks, reminiscent of the solid promise his brown eyes spoke that night. When I could hardly look at him and say goodbye.

"Bryan." I let go, releasing the tune of his sweet name to be carried by my voice over the gentle wind. 

He looks back at me. He has not changed -- except he is lonely. Sad, and a little surprised.

I reach inside myself: t remember all our times spent playing near the lake. Laughing. Boating. Signing. I can still do it, can't I? 

I can.

"I was never scared for me. I was scared for you."

I step my foot up, onto the dock. Tentative, not imposing. He nods, and I come closer. I sit down beside him. 

"Why didn't you believe in forever?" He signs.

"I do. I just, I did not trust myself. When we were kids--I used to be so happy. Then things changed. And I felt... guilty. Ashamed.

Like I could not love you right, the way you deserved. Like I would mess up. And love you only when things were good. Love as fickle as the rest of my life feels like it has been. Uncertain. I loved--I love you and I wanted the best for you. I realize now that I was wrong."

I place my hand on his shoulder. Signing and speaking, "I am sorry."

He starts to cry. Wretchedly. And we rest our heads on each other's shoulders. 

"I love you." He kisses me. "Please do not leave. Ever again. I love you just the way you are, too."

"I love you," I sign back.

"Friends?" He asks.

"Of course. But I am willing to be more. If you give me the chance."

He nods. And I lean back into his arms again. 

The silence was golden with the auras of stars that twinkled infinite-- in our atmosphere. And the sky was clear.