There's Something Not Quite Right Here

The following story has already been published. It is one of the stories in the 13th book of my Joseph 3-in-1 Superhero series, titled "A Surreal Trilogy." This book won an Honorable Mention in the 2023 Purple Dragonfly book awards. The design of the story is such that it already fulfills the prompt without any need for modification.

There's Something Not Quite Right Here

               Joseph, our gherkinary crusader Pickle Man, is lounging in his pickle jar hut watching the show "Gherkinname: Pickles in the Next Aisle." The episode title is PICKLE CON, which is code for:

Preposterously

Immoral

Criminal

Knowingly

Leaves

Every

Cornichon

On

Neptune.

           "Ah!" thinks Pickle Man. "In this episode, the Pickle Con picklenaps all the cornichons on the planet and leaves them stranded on Neptune. The Pickles have a real intergalactic battle to engage in."

           Just then, the VV (Veggie Vision) cuts out.

           "Ah man!" moans Pickle Man. "I was really looking forward to watching that episode. I guess I'll just have to call the cable company. I press 2 to report a cable outage."

           Pickle Man dials the company and enters the automated answering system.

           "Thank you for calling Pickle One Cable Company! Press 1 if you want to order new service. Press 2 if you want to be sent to a terrifying alternate dimension. Press 3 if..."

           Pickle Man presses 2 out of habit.

           "Wait, what?!" exclaims Pickle Man. "They changed the system. 2 is supposed to be for reporting a cable outage!"

           "You've selected 2 and will be sent to a horrific alternate dimension shortly. Have a nice day!"

           "Wait, no!" shrieks Pickle Man. "That's not what I wanted! Why would they even have that as an option?!"

           Pickle Man frantically presses 0, hoping to speak to an operator to clear up this miscommunication.

           "Sorry, you've already made your decision to be sent on a joy ride to what could be your ultimate demise. Your decision can't be undone. If you are concerned about this outcome, we encourage you to take a look at our terms and conditions that you agreed to when signing up with our service. According to the fine print in article 345 subsection 108F, there are no cancellations on interdimensional trips. We thank you for choosing Pickle One for your cable and living out your worst nightmare needs. If you survive your trip, we kindly ask you to take a brief survey regarding your satisfaction with our services. Have a nice day!"

           A dimensional portal opens up on Pickle Man's vphone (veggie phone) and sucks our hero in. He falls out the other end into his mashed potato recliner. He looks around, and everything appears to be the same.

           "Whew!" thinks Pickle Man. "I'm still home! Perhaps that was just Pickle One pulling a Pickle Fools day prank. But it's kind of early to be doing so!"

           "Hey, who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" calls out an oddly familiar voice.

           Pickle Man turns around to see himself standing there.

           "Wow, you look and sound just like me!" exclaims Pickle Man.

           "Whoa, you're right!" exclaims the other pickle. "I'm Pickle Dude, the valiant hero to all veggie kind. And who might you be?"

           "I'm Pickle Man," replies our hero. "I'm the hero to all veggie kind, but I got sucked through a dimensional portal. You must be my counterpart in this dimension."

           "Whoa!" replies Pickle Dude. "So you're saying that we're interdimensional twins? Sweet! I always wanted a brother to fight alongside!"

           "Hmmm, this dimension doesn't seem scary at all!" says Pickle Man. "In fact, it seems identical to my own. I'm glad that Pickle One was wrong about the scary part! Although I still think I'm going to switch to a different service provider."

           "Oh, this dimension can be scary!" replies Pickle Dude. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to deal with the bunnies here!"

           "Oh, I'm guessing they're just as hard to deal with here as they are in my dimension." replies Pickle Man. "Bunnies are such a threat to my veggie comrades. I'm always having to save my friends from being eaten by various bunny villains."

           "Yeah, they're definitely a.....'threat' here to!" replies Pickle Dude.

           "And the most nefarious of the bunnies in my dimension is Bunny Fufu," continues Pickle Man. "Isn't that a terrifying name?"

           "That name sounds a lot like the name of the leader of the bunny forces here, Bunny Ufuf. Yeah, his name is definitely.....'terrifying'."

           "But hey," says Pickle Dude. "The bunnies here are planning an....'attack' on my veggie comrades. Your arrival here couldn't have come at a better time. You see, I've never been able to capture Bunny Ufuf and his bunny minions. I've come close, but that sly rabbit always evades me. I really need to capture him and his army once and for all what with the....'attack' they're planning!"

           "I'd be happy to help!" replies Pickle Man.

           "Great!" replies Pickle Dude. "There is going to be a showdown at the city square of Gherkinsberg. That's the fair city we are in right now."

           Pickle Man heads off to the city square with his new friend. Upon arriving, he finds a massive fluffle of bunnies and an army of combat ready veggies.

           "Who are they?" asks Pickle Man pointing to the veggies.

           "Oh, those guys?" replies Pickle Dude. "They are the VAF (Veggie Attack Force)."

           "Oh!" replies Pickle Man, "They must be like the VJF (Veggie Justice Force) in my dimension. The VJF ensures the safety of veggies and brings justice to veggievourous villains."

           "Yeah, uh, sure!" replies Pickle Dude. "The VAF is just like your VJF!"

           The most terrifyingly adorable bunny of the fluffle steps forward.

           "Hello, everyone! You already know me as Bunny Ufuf, leader of the bunny forces. I agreed to meet with you here today to hopefully reach a peaceful compromise."

           "What's he talking about?" asks Pickle Man.

           "Don't listen to him!" replies Pickle Dude. "He's obviously just trying to trick us. The 'peaceful' compromise he's talking about is probably just lowering the daily quota of my veggie friends he and his nefarious bunnies eat everyday in return for our unconditional surrender!"

           "That sounds like something Bunny Fufu would do!" answers Pickle Man.

           "Exactly!" replies Pickle Dude."

           "Attention VAF!" yells Pickle Dude. "Don't bother listening to Ufuf's negotiations. Attack!"

           The VAF and Pickle Dude charge the bunnies, who shriek in terror.

           "Don't be afraid, my bunny comrades!" calls out Bunny Ufuf. "Stand strong against these wicked vegetables!"

           "See, Pickle Man?" calls out Pickle Dude. "It's just like villains to try and turn the tables and call the heroes the bad guys!"

           The fighting is intense, but the bunnies prove to be skilled fighters who hold their ground well, especially Bunny Ufuf. A number of bunnies get captured, but each time one of them does, Bunny Ufuf hops in and saves them.

           "Ugh, Pickle Man, a little help here?!" shrieks Pickle Dude. "If we could just subdue Bunny Ufuf, then we can easily defeat the rest. But he's simply too much for me. You better step in quick, or all the veggies of Gherkinsberg with be the bunnies’ victory meal!"

           Pickle Man rushes in to confront Bunny Ufuf.

           "What?!" shrieks Bunny Ufuf. "Another Pickle Dude?!"

           "I'm Pickle Man, Pickle Dude's doppelganger from another dimension, "valiantly declares our hero. "I'm a hero to veggie kind the world over!"

           "Hero?! Ha! More like a menace!!!" screams Bunny Ufuf.

           Pickle Man and Bunny Ufuf face off in the sparring match of the century. Pickle Man tries some gherkinary back flip strikes, but Bunny Ufuf uses his helicopter ears to dodge every time and counter with some impressive flying fluffendary roundrabbit kicks. After taking a bunch of direct blows, Pickle Man really starts to feel the pain.

           "Ha, ha!" laughs Bunny Ufuf. "You're no match for me, just like Pickle Dude!"

           Bunny Ufuf flies high into the sky and prepares to do a furrifically harey body slam to finish off our hero, but Pickle Man pulls out a gun and shoots a string bean bola that ties up Bunny Ufuf's helicopter ears. The fiend comes crashing down. Pickle Man proceeds to tie him up with some sturdy string bean rope.

           "Why do you veggies have to be so cruel?" sobs Bunny Ufuf.

           "What are you talking about?" asks Pickle Man. "You are the ones that always try to gorge on my veggie friends!"

           "Huh? What are you talking about?" asks a bewildered Bunny Ufuf. "I'm just trying to protect my bunny comrades from you evil vegetables!"

           "Hmmm...that's strange!" replies Pickle Man. "You don't sound at all like my nemesis Bunny Fufu!"

           "Great job, Pickle Man!" exclaims Pickle Dude as he heads over to our hero. "Now these bunnies will no longer keep us from enjoying some delicious rabbit stew!"

           "What?!" shrieks Pickle Man.

           "What's the matter, Pickle Man?" asks Pickle Dude. "These bunnies are terrible villains just like I told you because they resist allowing us to gorge on them! Their resistance has left us famished! But now thanks to you, we will have all the bunny dishes we could ever dream of! In addition to the rabbit stew, we'll have bunny biscuits, bunny muffins, and even chocolate bunnies thanks to the Chocofier, an invention made by our very own Dr. Gherkinstein!"

           "How could you?!" shrieks Pickle Man.

           "What are you complaining about?" sighs Pickle Dude. "Didn't you say that the bunnies of your dimension try to eat your veggie comrades? Well here it's just the other way around. Don't you see how this is a golden opportunity for you to get revenge on bunny kind for what they've done to you and your friends?"

           "Heroes never seek revenge!" declares Pickle Man. "If I were to go along with you, I'd be just as bad as Bunny Fufu! Plus, these bunnies have done no wrong to me!"

           "Oh man, I was afraid this was going to happen!" sighs Pickle Dude. "VAF, bind up this goody two shoes hero so that he doesn't interfere with our delectable feast!"

           The VAF close in on Pickle Man, and despite the fact that our hero is a far better fighter than any of them, their sheer number quickly overpowers him. Soon, Pickle Man finds himself bound tight in rancid linguini.

           Pickle Dude and the VAF quickly start to prepare for a bunnyrific feast. They set up some large vats of boiling water for the rabbit stew and hang some of the bunnies over them precariously by some very limp spaghetti. They bring out some large blenders and fill them with bunnies and batter so that they can make their bunny biscuits and bunny muffins. And finally, they shoot the remaining bunnies with the Chocofier. They scream as they are transformed into gigantic and very unhealthy chocolate bunnies.

           "Okay!" announces Pickle Dude. "On my signal, cut the spaghetti noodles suspending the bunnies over the boiling vats and turn on the blenders!"

           "I need to do something!" thinks Pickle Man. "I know!"

           Pickle Man pulls out some VeggieWater and drinks it.

           "Hey, Pickle Dude!" he shouts. "Before you do away with those bunnies, can you first blend me up and add part of me to each blender and each vat of boiling water?"

           "O...kay," replies Pickle Dude. "That really would add a nice salty punch to the flavor!"

           Pickle Dude carries out our hero's request and then proceeds with his plan. He gives the signal, and all the blenders are turned on and the spaghetti noodles holding bunnies are cut. The bunnies in the blenders shriek for a short while before they are smoothified, and the bunnies dropping into the vats gulp in terror.

           "Ha, ha!" cackles Pickle Dude. "This is going to be such a tasty feast!"

           But the bunnies in the vats quickly jump out and are unscathed. They proceed to kick the vats over, spilling out the rest of their contents.

           "What's happening?!" shrieks Pickle Dude.

           All the blenders tip over, spilling all the bunny smoothies, which then gather together in different masses which reform into each bunny.

           "Am I dreaming?!" shrieks Pickle Dude.

           Finally, the different parts of the smoothified Pickle Man from the vats and blenders gather together and reform into our hero.

           "Bu...bu...but!" stammers Pickle Dude.

           "You gotta love that VeggieWater and the elementary particles it provides!" exclaims Pickle Man. I traveled around the smoothified bunnies and imparted them each with some gluons so they could 'glue' themselves back together, and of course did the same for myself. As for the vats, I used the stop squarks to stop the rapidly moving water molecules so that the water would be cooled down to room temperature."

           Pickle Dude and the entire VAF are still absolutely stunned and speechless.

           "Okay Bunny Ufuf and bunny friends," says Pickle Man, "bind up these terrors to bunny kind while I use the reverse setting on the Chocofier to turn the chocolate bunnies back to normal!"

           "What do we do now?" asks Bunny Ufuf after all the evil veggies have been properly tied up and the chocolate bunnies unchocolified.

           "Well, in my dimension, we have the VJF (Veggie Justice Force), where terrors to veggie kind are kept under lock and key. Can you build something like that for bunnies?"

           "Why yes, I think we can!" replies Bunny Ufuf. "And I just thought of a splendid name for it. We shall call it the BPF (Bunny Protection Force)!"

           "That sounds like a great name!" replies Pickle Man.

           "We cannot even begin to properly thank you, Pickle Man!" says Bunny Ufuf. "Is there anything, anything at all we can do for you?"

           "Well, I would like to get back to my own dimension," replies Pickle Man. "You see, I accidentally chose an option to be sent here in one of those automated phone systems for customer support."

           "Oh, you gotta love those!" says Bunny Ufuf sarcastically. "Can I see your phone for a second? I'm kind of a tech whiz."

           Pickle Man hands over his phone.

           "Let's see here," says Bunny Ufuf. "If I just go to your recent history to when that interdimensional vortex was created and then do a reverse vortex callback, you should be good to go. Oh, and one thing. You might want to turn off the feature of interdimensional travel in your settings. It's a little-known setting that companies exploit in order to have access to a broader range of customers. For example, by sending a customer to another dimension, they can then use the tracking in that customer's phone to gather intel on that dimension and figure out how to bring in customers from there."

           "Thanks!" replies Pickle Man. "I never even knew there was such a setting! Maybe I should switch Vphone (Veggie phone) carriers."

           "Unfortunately, just about every phone carrier uses this trick nowadays," replies Bunny Ufuf. "Your best bet is to just turn that setting off."

           "Oh well," replies Pickle Man. "Big business, what can you do? Anyway, thanks for the tip!"

           A dimensional vortex opens from Pickle Man's Vphone and sucks him back into his own dimension. He crash lands in his mashed potato recliner.

           "Wow, what a day!" he thinks.

           He turns on his VV (Veggie Vision) and finds that it's working again.

           "Well, at least Pickle One did one thing right!"

           He turns to the show "Pickletrek: Deep Space Vinegar."

           "Ah!" thinks Pickle Man. "This is the episode where the Pickleration discover a gherkinhole that provides instantaneous access to the vinegar quadrant."

           Pickle Man relaxes to the show after yet another trying day. It was a close call, but now bunny kind in that alternate dimension can breath easy thanks to the Gherkinary hero and Salty Crusader. It sure feels weird saying that.

           Pickle Man wakes up.

           "O...kay," thinks our hero. "That was by far one of the most bizarre dreams I ever had. What could ever have induced it?"

           Pickle Man spies the bottle of mineral water he drank earlier.

           "Hmmm...there's a warning on this bottle I didn't see before. It says:

           'Warning! This water may contain trace amounts of backwardium, which can cause dreams of role reversal."

           "Well, that would explain it!" thinks Pickle Man. "I obviously need to find a new brand of mineral water!"

           Pickle Man, much less confused now, drifts back into peaceful sleep.