Terribly Happy

Once I read that 100 years ago, when war and famine still filled Africa, when corruption and oppression still ruled Asia, when death and past mistakes still haunted Europe, when ignorance and ego still tried to take hold of Oceania and culture and opinions were shunned in America. There was one thing that kept humans together. That was, the constant search of happiness. It was the reason to live and die, the motor that moved every person to work together and how they came to build a dysfunctional society. This journey never could be finished, because for them, happiness was a consequence of pain, it wasn’t a constant but a fleeting moment. 

Then, the greatest minds of their time came together with one objective: Make all people happy.Scientists started to look for ways to artificially recreate the feeling of joy, accompanied by intellectuals who explained human existence in this new way of thinking and billionaires who financed the research. After years of theories, equations and sleepless nights the answer was found in a vaccine that would change the world forever.

Today, the same day a child is born they are vaccinated and wished good luck in their happy life. We have never known of violence or war, we aren’t oppressed and we respect all kinds of thinking. Nobody harms others and the only cries are of laughter, we are something our ancestors could never be: full.

I have always been fascinated by the past, I feel excited reading about the wars and problems that filled people's lives. I thank those great minds that saved me from those horrible things and I am filled with joy knowing my luck.

I am who I wanted to be as a child, all my dreams came true and everyone around me was, well, happy. Of course, not all is perfect, the years that were used to make the happiness vaccine could have been used to find the cure to cure cancer. And the money that was used for the research could have been used for those dying children who didn’t have anything to eat. Still, sickness and hunger can’t bring us down. Death is natural, and nature is good, so we just let things flow.

And I hated it, I hated my selfish society. And when I felt hate, believing I was freed from happiness, I laughed with joy. I became utterly confused, why, if I am feeling a negative emotion am I so happy at the same time? Am I turning crazy?

I laughed as fear filled my body and I felt excited seeing the tears fall from my eyes. I couldn’t talk to no one, just like people felt long ago, I felt alone and it was thrilling. I looked up on the computer what made people sad and the first thing that appeared was loss.

Loss, I have lost things! I have lost people! My teddy bear when I was six, well it could be in better hands with a loving owner. The death of my mother when I was sixteen, but she must be so happy in heaven. My girlfriend who cheated on me when I was eighteen, I loved her and wanted the best for her. My dog that was run over when I was twenty-two, still he was old and needed some relief. My job when I was thirty, someone would enjoy it more that I did

Loss didn’t work, so I tried with envy. The rich kid at school that had those designer shoes I wanted so much, he was a good guy and his parents worked a lot. My sister when she went to the beach with my parents, but without me, she needed some relief and I danced around the house all day while they weren’t there. 

That didn’t work either, how could I make myself feel pain? And that’s when I realized it, bad emotions made me happy. I felt fulfilled, there was no solution. I sat on my couch and grabbed a beer while I thought about my life. It was not perfect, but perfection didn’t matter, I lost things, I tripped and fell, but I stood up and laughed. Everyone was kind, everyone helped me, nobody consoled me when bad things happened because we didn’t feel them. We didn’t flow but floated. We weren’t like rivers who carry the water until it finds its end. In the end, we received the water from hundreds and hundreds of years ago and just stayed there.

If I was a character in one of my favorite novels I would call it boring, but I felt thrilled every time I discovered something new. I was happy to be alive and happy to someday die. So I found the answer to my quest, if I could not go to the river I would become it. I wrote a little note and saved it in my jacket, started to grab my keys when I decided to just leave them there.

Smiling and waving at the people passing by I walked until it became dark and went to the bridge that connected the city to the highway. I took my jacket off, folding it carefully and setting a stone over it so it wouldn’t fly away. It was a pretty stone I thought as I sat in the rail that kept me from falling. I looked at my watch and  smiled when a cop car stopped.

The policeman came close to me and I just pointed to my jacket as I threw myself from the bridge. I felt thrilled as my heart stopped and my last thought was that little note that I wished would change the world. And how the policeman would react when reading those words. 

“I am killing myself today because our world is a wonderful place. Cry thinking of me, tremble thinking how I am burning in hell. You are all horrible and I hope you curse me when you throw yourself from this same bridge. I wish you the worst and let me tell you this last thing: I never wanted anything that happened to me and neither did you, puppets of the world.”