The House's Special Sauce

I was surprised when brothers Jerry and Dan Thorn invited me to review their latest restaurant venture, J&D’s. I had not expected the call. My review of their previous restaurant, The Steakhouse, had been scathing. I had no doubt that the review on my blog played a big part in their failure. But Jerry assured me there were no hard feelings and insisted I come and sample some of their new dishes at their new restaurant.

I agreed. Besides, I wasn’t known to turn down a free meal, even a bad one.

I got to J&D’s at noon the week before the restaurant was scheduled

to open to the public. From the outside, J&D’s already appeared to be

a step in the right direction. The building was sleek and classy but trendy

enough to catch the eyes of younger generation of meat-eaters.

This was looking promising.

When I spoke to Jerry and Dan over the phone, they told me they wanted to get some publicity for J&D’s grand opening. They thought a review from me would help bring in more customers. I found their request strange at first since my review had tanked their last restaurant. But they didn’t see it that way. Instead, they wanted to prove that they had a top-notch, five-star restaurant. What better way to do that than to invite the one critic whose review had been so harsh that it forced them to close the doors of their previous establishment.

They had a point. I had somewhere around a hundred thousand followers on my blog. If I had a lovely experience and wrote a glowing review, they were guaranteed a healthy turnout for the grand opening next week. I had a ravenous group of followers who were always hungry for new places to eat and drink and would come out in droves if I gave a place a good review. 

I was led into an empty dining room by Jerry and seated in the middle of the restaurant. J&D’s was definitely a step up from the brothers’ former establishment, which had been nothing more than a repackaged Ponderosa Steakhouse. Perhaps the food was better. We would see.

Dan appeared from the kitchen, pushing a cart with a slab of

succulent prime rib to my tableside. The meat smelled delicious, and my ample

belly growled. 

“Nice to see you again, Mr. Lemoyne,” Dan said pleasantly. He

picked up the carving knife and sharpener and made a few quick swipes before

cutting into the tender meat. He then placed a small slice on my plate. “Au jus

or the house’s special sauce?”

“What’s the house’s special sauce?” I asked. So far, I was

impressed with the presentation and the look and smell of the meat were to die

for.

“Oh,” Dan said, smiling devilishly. “That’s a secret I cannot divulge

to you, Mr. Lemoyne.

“How about I try the Au jus first? And then I’ll try the house’s special sauce.”

“Excellent, sir.”

Dan spooned some of the Au jus across the small slice of prime rib on the plate. I picked up my knife and fork and cut the piece in two. You’re always supposed to take small bites when taste testing for a review, this way, you don’t fill up while trying numerous dishes. I forked the piece of prime rib into my mouth and chewed slowly, savoring the taste and texture of the meat. It was succulent, tender, with just the right amount of fat to make the meat’s flavor pop in my mouth. The Au jus was rich and bold, with hints of salt and pepper that complemented the prime rib’s flavor.

I forked the other half into my mouth. This bite was even better than the last. If this was just the beginning of the meal, I was really looking forward to what Jerry and Dan had in store for me next.

“This prime rib is delicious,” I said. “And the Au jus – perfect.”

“I am happy to hear you say that, Mr. Lemoyne,” Dan replied. “Now, would you like to try some of the house’s special sauce with the prime rib?”

“Sure!” I said eagerly.

“Very good, sir,” Dan replied.

He cut another small piece of meat and placed it gingerly on my plate, and then spooned a large white dollop of the house’s special sauce beside it. By Dan doing this, I knew that I was supposed to dip the prime rib into the sauce.

“Enjoy,” Dan said, smiling.

I smiled back at him. I was having a wonderful time. I picked my knife and fork back up and once again cut the small piece of meat in half. I forked the prime rib and dipped it heartily into the white sauce, and went to take a bite when Jerry returned to the table with a bottle of wine.

“A glass of vintage red, Mr. Lemoyne?” Jerry asked.

“Please,” I said, motioning with my fork and knife to the wine glass sitting on the table, empty, in front of me.

As I watched Dan pour the glass of red wine, a thought occurred to me, and I put the knife and fork, still with the prime rib skewed, back down on the plate.

“You know, I should really cleanse my pallet before I take the next bite,” I said, reaching for the glass of red wine.

“Oh, absolutely, Mr. Lemoyne,” Dan said. “We wouldn’t want the house’s special sauce ruined for you in any way.”

I smiled, picked up the wine glass, and held it up to them.

“A toast, gentlemen: To a long and successful business.”

I took a long swallow. My God, the wine was delicious too, though I knew that its creation had nothing to do with Jerry or Dan. Still, they had superb tastes in red wines, which would be noted in my review.  

I sat the wine glass down and picked up the fork again. When I looked up, I saw both Jerry and Dan were watching me now with an intense fascination that made me feel a little uneasy.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“We’re just eager to know what you think of the house’s special sauce,” Dan said.

“I’ll let you know in just a moment.”

I forked the piece of prime rib with the house’s special sauce on it into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

The bite no sooner hit my stomach when I felt my heart rate jump. A clammy sweat broke out across my entire body instantly, and my head started to pound furiously.

Something was very wrong.

“I don’t feel…”

I went to stand, but my legs felt as limp as two cooked spaghetti noodles, unable to support my weight. I tried to grab ahold of the table to keep myself from toppling over. Still, I could only catch the tablecloth as I went down, pulling everything along with me. Plates and glasses crashed to the floor.

I could already feel myself beginning to lose consciousness by

the time I hit the floor. A black vale was enveloping me, pulling me away from

the life I loved so much. There was nothing I could do to stop it.

It was then that I realized what was happening. Jerry and Dan invited me to review their restaurant that afternoon so they could poison me.

And just before I slipped away into that great big smorgasbord in the sky, I heard Dan say to Jerry:

“He’s not going to be writing any more bad reviews about one of our restaurants.”

The End