Monsters

2/4/74 – mama gave me this book. she said I can talk to it when I want. she said it is a ‘jernal’. Ok. I will write to make mama happy.

Hi. I am Kevin. I am six. I like color black. Mama says black is not color. She got me blue jernal. Its ok. I like blue to.

I like the pie Mama makes. Mama makes the best pie. We some times eat chiken pot pie for diner. I like her apple pie the most. It is sweet.

I got a nite lite few days ago. It looks like a fish. I don’t like fish becuz they taste yucky. But they are very pretty when they swim. Mama once took me to a big house with lots and lots of fish swiming in it. The lite makes me less scared.

I don’t like my bed. It is soft. There is space under it. Monsters live there. Monsters live in my closet too. I don’t like monsters. I am scared they will eat my toes if I don’t cover my feet. It is bad during somer, because I am hot during somer. So I wear socks when I sleep in somer. Mama doesn’t like it but its ok.

Ok I will sleep now.

***

9/3/75 – The kids at school are mean. I showed my journal at show and tell today, and they lafed at me. They caled me girly and weak. The teacher told them to stop.

Mama is a girl, and she is not weak at all. She’s the strong-est person I know, and I bet if someone caled her weak she would hit them with a frying pan.

11/9/77 - I wanted to burn it, you know. The journal. My classmates tease at me because of it. I hate it. I almost threw it away. Mama found it in the trashcan and gave it back to me. She said that I was not weak, and that all my classmates are jellus of me.

She said that they wished they had a journal like me. She said that they wanted to make me feel bad to make themselves feel better.

***

2/1/80 – I looked back at the older entries in this thing. My first one was so long ago. Have I really been journaling for six years already?

I guess I’ll update my first journal entry now. If I wait three days, I might forget.

Hi. I’m Kevin. I’m eleven. I like the color green. Mama still says black isn’t a color. I’ll prove her wrong one day. I still like blue as well, but I like yellow more than blue, and green more than yellow.

Mama still makes the best pie. I think it’s gotten better, actually.

The fish nightlight is long gone. It got replaced by a frog one a few years ago, then a star. Now I don’t need a night light. Actually, I can’t sleep with a light on. Weird how things change, huh?

My bed is okay, I guess. It’s still very soft. There’s still a space under it. We haven’t moved in the last ten years, so the house is still pretty much the same. Except for one thing.

The monsters have left my bedroom. I see them at school now. At least they look human. Small blessings.

I’m going to sleep now.

***

4/1/88 – Today’s April Fools. Someone covered the food court trashcans in plastic wrap. I feel sorry for the cleanup staff.

College is alright. I like it more than high school. Everyone minds their own business.

Guess what I learned the other day? George (that’s my roommate) keeps a journal too. We talked about our journals for a little while. He said his grandfather gave him his when he was ten.

. . . there’s something I’m forgetting. Can’t remember what I wanted to write now. It’s getting late anyways. I’m going to sleep.

10/31/88 – George introduced me to his sister Sandy at the Halloween party today. She’s a year younger than me, and pretty smart. I hope we can become friends.

On another note, someone keeps spiking the punch. Most of us know to avoid it by now. Some poor freshman still got drunk, though. His friends had to carry him out.

1/1/90 – I called mom today. She’s doing pretty well. Wished me a happy new year. We talked about the usual – college, work, etc.

She said she was thinking about getting a pet dog. Said it was because she felt lonely without anyone else in the house.

I told her about Sandy, too. I think she might feel something for me. Besides friendship. I don’t know. We’ll see.

3/4/90 – SHE SAID YES

SANDY SAID YES

I asked her out today at lunch!! We’re going on our first date on Friday!

***

5/20/93 – I proposed to Sandy yesterday. She said yes. Then we went out and celebrated.

Didn’t get a chance to write this down until now. Can’t wait for the wedding.

12/5/96 – Great news. SANDY’S PREGNANT! We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet.

We’re going to name the kid either Sam or Peggy.

Sandy says that she wants the gender to be a surprise. I disagree, but that’s alright. We can compromise.

7/19/97 – It’s a boy! We’re naming him Sam. We brought him home from the hospital two days ago—I haven’t had much of a chance to sleep, much less write. Couldn’t take leave from work—we need every cent we can get now, since now we’re living off of one salary instead of two.

Ah, Sam’s crying again.

***

6/30/07 – I did something bad today. Very bad.

I

I can’t really write about it right now

7/4/07 – I did it again.

***

3/3/08 – Why can’t I stop? One day I’m going to go too far.

1/12/09 – What am I doing?

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself so why can’t I stop? I’m so angry—

1/25/09 – I apologized to Sandy again today. I promised that it wouldn’t happen again.

We both know it’s a lie by now.

Sandy, I’m so, so sorry.

***

9/3/10 – Sam called the cops on me

my son called the cops on me

please forgive me

9/5/10 – Where did everything go wrong? When did everything go wrong? Was it the alcohol? What started this?

So many questions, but what’s the point of answer if it’s all my fault anyways?

9/24/10 – I don’t blame Sam. He’s a good kid.

Couldn’t stand to see his mother get hit again.

I hate myself so much

***

2/4/14 – This is the journal entry that marks my 40^th year of journaling.  As per tradition, I will update my first journal entry.

Hello. My name is Kevin. I’m 46. I don’t have a favorite color.

I haven’t talked to mom in a long time. Probably won’t ever again. I never did convince her that black was a color.

I also haven’t eaten her pie since Sam’s third birthday party. Sam loved her pies. More than any birthday cake I could buy.

Sam never needed a nightlight, so we never got one. He did have plastic glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to his ceiling, though. He took them down after a playdate when he was eight. Apparently one of his friends teased him about them.

Every time I rewrite this entry, I think of how silly I was as a child. Why did I write about my bed? There were a lot more things I could have written about, that were much more interesting than my bed. Maybe I was tired at the time?

Anyways, my bed is the same as ever. It’s not the best, but I sleep well (all things considered). I get nightmares from time to time, but that’s my problem.

And, of course, the monsters. Interesting to see how they’ve changed over time. Now they’re living in the mirror.

I’m going to sleep now. Goodbye.