Dear Santa

24th December 2020

Dear Santa,

I’m lonely.

I think I have lost my last marble. I mean, what am I doing writing a letter to someone who does not exist? I never even wrote you a letter as a child, what the hell am I doing?

Anyway, Santa, I’ve been bad.

Really bad.

I’ve ruined lives. Mine included…

Why am I telling you this? I mean, you’re supposed to know everything right? But I guess, as they say, confession is good for the soul…

I feel like I have not slept in a year.

Is it pathetic that the only person I have to talk to is a fictional children’s character? Well, I did tell you I’m lonely...

Ugh… my thoughts are all over the place! Let me explain…

My best friend, Rebecca, do you remember her? I’m positive she was always on your good list.

We met way back in primary school, became instant friends. We got each other you know? Same sense of humour, same interests, we were thick as thieves. You never found one of us without the other being at most two feet away. We lost contact though because we went to different secondary schools. But you know those people who you always randomly run in to while you’re out and about? That was us. And each time we’d pick up conversation like we had seen each other the day before, not a year.

During our first year in university we met yet again at a party and by then we each had cellphones. We chatted every day until we finally took the leap, left home and began renting together. I had my best friend back, a wonderful boyfriend, life was amazing!

Then it got weird…

Six years ago…

Rebecca and I threw our Christmas Eve party. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She took me to her room, I could see something was on her mind. I remember our conversation word for word…

You okay Rebecca?

Yeah, definitely. I wanna ask you something though.

Sure, what’s up?

Next second, the moment I had fantasised about for weeks with Brandon was unfolding before my eyes.

There was Rebecca, on one knee, holding open a little velvet box. It was no spectacular ring. Simple. Though elegant.

Will you marry me?

I froze. Santa, I froze.

I could not understand her actions. She came out of nowhere with it. Why was she asking me that? It had to be a prank. That was my conclusion.

I know you’re with Brandon but he’s a louse. I love you. I can’t imagine my life without you. Will you be my wife?

I stared at her like a dummy. I didn’t know what to say.

You know what I did? I ran. Bolted from her room, right out the apartment, into my car and to my parents’ house. I didn’t go back until the second week of January.

I told you I was bad…

But wait, there’s more…

I pretended nothing happened. Sauntered into the apartment like I had gone out for dinner two hours before.

I saw the pain I caused emanating from Rebecca but she smiled and said hey. I said hey, and life returned to what it was…

You wanna know the kicker? Rebecca was right. Brandon was a louse, I found out he was cheating on me and he had the audacity to leave me when I got mad about it. I didn’t even get the satisfaction of leaving him. Karma right?

Rebecca got me through that break-up and things were great again. Just us two taking on the world like champs.

Christmas Eve rolled around and we threw our party - a success as per usual.

The last person left and Rebecca turned to me; her expression serious.

I can feel the chill right now that had raked down my spine when her knee dipped to the floor.

She pulled out the same velvet box, same ring and proposed to me. Again!

I was aware of my mouth hanging open like an imbecile. The only thought in my head was that I thought we had put this behind us.

I collapsed onto the couch and she sat beside me.

Thanks for not running.

What I didn’t tell her was that my feet froze. I couldn’t run.

Where is this coming from Rebecca?

I love you. I’m in love with you. Have been for a long time…

What?

I know you have feelings for me too. I know it’s scary and that’s why you got with Brandon but we’ll get through this together. 

I’m straight Rebecca.

Are you?

I got with Brandon because I am straight!

You got with him because he was the first guy to ask you out and being a lesbian scares you.

Oh my god! I am not a… I am not... I am straight!

Are you?

I know myself, Rebecca.

You forget I know you too. You can’t even say the words.

It was the first time I had gotten truly mad at Rebecca. I stayed in our apartment but I didn’t speak to her for weeks.

Writing to you now, I realise how much she loved me and how badly I shat on her love.

Why did she forgive me? How did she even do it? I sure am not big enough to do the same…

I was not just bad, Santa, I was very bad.

That year I thought heavily on what Rebecca had told me and I began to realise she was correct. About everything. That didn’t mean I was going to admit to any of it.

How good-natured Rebecca could love such a shallow person I did not understand.

Rebecca moved out of our apartment. We remained friends but we didn’t chat as often and we met up less frequently.

I don’t want to bore you with too many more details…

Okay, that’s a lie…

Truth is, I cannot bear to share much more without falling apart completely. As it is I am not sure how much of this you will be able to read what with all the smeared ink.

Could you believe Rebecca unfailingly proposed to me the following three Christmas Eve nights? More absurd even, could you believe, I said no each time?

I was not just very bad, Santa, I was despicable!

So anyway… last year was tough. I lost my mother.

That opened my eyes. It hit me just how short life is. That fact and dying with regrets scared me far more than coming out. So I began to work on coming to terms with being… you know… gay… I finally admitted to myself that I had been in love with Rebecca for years. I can’t pinpoint a specific moment but somewhere over the years, it happened. I was getting to the point of accepting myself for who I am as December rolled around.

Christmas Eve was a few days away and I had made up my mind - I would say yes this year. Six would be our lucky number.

But there was no question…

Rebecca had finally given up on me.

The old me would have left matters that way but I reminded myself that life is short and gathered my courage. I would surprise Rebecca. This year I will propose.

I got to her apartment and found strangers living there. They had been for a month, they told me.

Determined to complete my mission, I called her brother. They were close, he would know where she had moved to.

I was right…

He did know…

I dream that phone call every night, Santa.

I fly awake every time hoping it was only a dream.

My heart can’t take much more…

I know you’re not real. I know you only leave gifts for the good children. But will you do me a favour, please? Rebecca was good, one of the best, and since you’re magic… will you please tell her that I love her and ask her to wait for me? 

Thanks, Santa.

Yours truly,

Trying to be good.