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Funny Adventure Science Fiction

This story contains themes or mentions of suicide or self harm.

I thought, for some time, that dying while holding hands with my soulmate would be romantic.

It wasn't. First off, it took an awful lot of convincing, and when we finally did jump off that bridge together, I was preoccupied with ensuring our heads hit the pavement simultaneously.

As for what came afterward, well, that's now, and it's just awkward.

The other soul rubbing up against me is bland, well-rounded, probably whale-bound after a few more human orbits.

It shudders because I'm all spikes, the type of soul who always ends up in albino crocodiles or pale men named Leslie who secretly listen to death metal. Seriously, if it's possible for a life form to achieve colorlessness, there's a 99.5% chance I'll be in it. I was an albino chameleon once. Hated it.

And man, in this moment of two souls brushing against each other, we both know there's no such thing as a soulmate. Plus, my memory is no longer obscured by meat and bone, so I know exactly why I asked this other soul to take the plunge with me.

It wasn't to prove a romantic point.

I simply needed a springboard with which to effect my great escape.

But enough about me. There's not a moment to waste. I shove off from my fellow soul with all my might, pushing it into a higher orbit with slower speed while I go lower and faster thanks to conservation of soular momentum.

"Sorry about the bridge. Hope you get a whale if you're into that sort of thing!" I don't know if the other soul can hear my apology, but I also think it real hard.

On my way down, I smack into another soul, sending it higher, slower while I move lower, faster. Now that I've lost my preordained orbit, it's impossible not to hit other souls. It's crowded, this circle of life where all souls go upon leaving a body.

Except it's not a circle. It's trillions of shimmering souls moving in billions of shining ellipses all centered around the same nonsensical point, otherwise known as Earth. Souls moving along the lower ellipses are slated to live fast and die young while the souls in the highest orbits are, you guessed it, reserved for whales.

None of the souls are meant to touch, much less collide. You're supposed to just stay in your lane and marvel at how far you've come. You're supposed to say, "Wow, I was once a butt-munching nanobe and maybe one day I'll be an unrebuttable whale."

Seriously? Screw whales.

Same goes for this hakuna mata Lion King circle of life bullshit. No thank you.

I slam into another soul, perhaps knocking it up from hippo-hood to sloth-ville.

Damn, I am really picking up speed. I'll be down among the invertebrates soon, and it would be nice if I knew exactly which ellipse belongs to the cicadas because, man, cicadas are awesome. That was the one good time I had while bound to a body. They didn't even care that I was albino. It's just sleep for 17 years then scream, mate, die. Those guys have it figured out.

Maybe that was my original plan—find my way to cicada orbit then keep finding my way back somehow—but I see now that's impossible. I'm simply going too fast. The orbiting lines of souls blur past in whirling lines like some sort of cosmic fingerprint.

Looks like I'm going for the lowest of the low and then some.

Along the way, somewhere in the depths of this twisted circle of life, I notice I'm not alone.

Other souls are mimicking my insane trajectory. I'm guessing they're other misfits, the ones who always end up in slow cheetahs and short giraffes and legally blind children who dream of becoming airline pilots.

We all must be looking for a way out… yeah, jailbreak baby!

There's just one problem. There's enough of us that we're attracting notice.

I see a squiggly soul pull a magnificent pinball maneuver to pull ahead of a group of misfits, but it gets plucked out of the running all the same.

It's snatched up by a winged being. This being is surrounded by swirling eyes embedded in rotating rings, and it has never known the burden of being bound to a body. It's your typical joyless angel come to restore order.

A wave of angels crashes over more renegade souls, capturing them left, right, up, down, any direction you name it. But they don't get all of us, and that's when the real race is on.

I start intentionally slamming into every soul I can. Lower lower lower. Faster faster faster.

Two angels move in to intercept me. I think fast and dig my spikes into the nearest halfwit soul that's probably destined for some animal not advanced enough to have a distinct mouth or anus.

The impact's certainly not enough to stop me, but it sends me thrashing, careening from soul to soul, setting off a mosh pit in the very lowest levels of the now chaotic circle of life.

The two angels miss me and collide in a tangle of wings, rings, and eyes.

Suck it, angels! Bet you never met a soul like me. Albino shrimp, albino peacock, albino Leslie. I'm colorless because I'm metal, heavy metal all the way, baby.

Then, the mosh pit ejects me and I'm past even the lowest nanobe orbit.

I'm free, and Earth looms bright before me.

I didn't plan it, but I'm moving in the same direction as the big dumb planet, so I get a sweet gravity assist that sends me hurtling out of its orbit at an even higher velocity relative to the sun.

I'm thinking maybe I'll make it to interstellar space.

Why then is liberty of cosmic night suddenly blocked out by shining white?

At first, I think it's the moon.

KNOW THAT I HAVE WITNESSED THY SELFLESS ACT.

Oh God, not the Supreme Soul.

"Move, man. Come on, please, I got to go." But I'm slowing down.

SENDING THYSELF LOWER IN THE CIRCLE OF LIFE SO THAT OTHERS COULD RISE.

Ugh, it's so loud and slow. It moves, and I can't help but follow in tow, drawn in to its awful orbit.

AND THEE INSPIRED OTHERS TO DO THE SAME UNTO OTHERS.

No, we're heading right back to the place from which I just escaped.

KNOW THAT THY SACRIFICE WAS NOT IN VAIN.

"At least put me down with the cicadas, man."

But the Supreme Soul, intoxicated by its own munificence, doesn't listen. It deposits me at the very top of the circle of life.

I'm in the largest ellipse, which means… whale orbit.

Shit.

Well, joke's on them because I just know I'm going to be one freaky white whale.

Yeah, I'm going to make all the other whales uncomfortable by keeping perfectly silent whenever they try to greet me with their emo whines and moans.

And man oh man, am I going to rage in the deep.

February 02, 2024 21:06

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17 comments

Scott Taylor
00:39 Apr 02, 2024

Our 17- and 13-year cicadas broods are this spring. Yep, it's going to be a noisy summer. I loved the story.

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Robert Egan
11:06 Apr 02, 2024

Thanks Scott, and I'm envious that you get to hear the broods overlap!

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Trudy Jas
21:20 Feb 08, 2024

Cicadas sleep for 17 years, scream, mate and die. Short giraffes and slow cheetahs. Priceless! Loved your take on the prompt. Very unique!

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Robert Egan
19:22 Feb 09, 2024

Thanks very much Trudy! Fun fact: There's going to be the first overlap between the 13-year and 17-year cicada broods in more than 200 years this year. Too bad the narrator of this one is going to be stuck with being a lame whale.

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Trudy Jas
20:56 Feb 09, 2024

I don't thing we're going to see that. Our 17 y cicadas were two years. ago. I remember everybody giving me strange looks when I drove down the street with the top down. Totally forgetting about them at the mall where there are no trees. (duh!) My neighbor (entomologist) told me that the 17 y ones have developed some virus that renders them sterile. So, better off as a whale? :-)

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Matt Aberdeen
03:30 Feb 07, 2024

Now that was a play on the prompt I wouldn't have predicted. A delightful jaunt through spite and unintended consequences, a very fun read.

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Robert Egan
22:15 Feb 07, 2024

Thanks for your kind words, Matt. Glad you enjoyed!

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Kathryn Kahn
20:50 Feb 06, 2024

This is so original and unique -- it's not often that I'm actually surprised by a short story, but this one did it! I've never even imagined this world, so thanks for taking me to it. The beginning is wonderful. So gruesome. I loved the part about making sure your heads hit the ground at the same time.

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Robert Egan
00:58 Feb 07, 2024

Great to hear you liked the story's opening, since I wasn't sure how that part would be perceived. Thanks Kathryn!

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Michał Przywara
02:51 Feb 06, 2024

The story is a fun metaphysical journey, and sure, why wouldn't a soul try to escape the endless cycle of death and rebirth? It's an amusing premise, but then you manage to get a couple twists in too. Well, for the first one, we suspected the plan might fail somehow, because plans often do in stories. Having the Supreme Soul mistake all of this as a selfless act is nevertheless an amusing reversal :) But then, to end as the white whale :) I didn't see that coming, even though the clues were there. “conservation of soular momentum” :) I...

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Robert Egan
01:04 Feb 07, 2024

Thanks for the feedback, Michal, and glad that you picked up on the white whale! I toyed with the idea of titling this one "The reemergence of Moby Dick" but didn't want to mess with readers' expectations too much there 🙂

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Alexis Araneta
15:35 Feb 05, 2024

As usual, another unique take on the prompt. "I thought, for some time, that dying while holding hands with my soulmate would be romantic." -- What a first line !

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Robert Egan
22:26 Feb 05, 2024

Thanks for your kind words, Stella! I'm an avid runner but found that I didn't have any ideas for this prompt in the traditional sense, so this was the result haha

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J. D. Lair
15:33 Feb 03, 2024

I always enjoy your stories Robert. You have such unique and creative ideas!

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Robert Egan
20:38 Feb 03, 2024

Thanks J.D.! I do hope there's another adventure after this one.

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Mary Bendickson
04:45 Feb 03, 2024

So you have been to the afterlife a time or two? Thanks for liking my 'Another Brick in the Wall '.

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Robert Egan
20:36 Feb 03, 2024

Thanks for reading and liking, Mary! Yeah, the memory is fuzzy, but I think I might've been a dog the last time around 🙂

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