Memory Gap

It has been twenty four years since I'd last seen it, but the place looks exactly the same. My grip tightens around the seat belt, as we pull up the driveway. My stomach churnes. I fear the Burritto, I got from the drive through, would be on the carpet of my Toyota Tacoma. Breathe Catheleen. Breathe. 

"I was so happy when you called yesterday. I couldn't believe it..." 

Except, I don't remember. I don't remember calling her or asking her to bring me back...here. Was I drunk again? That would explain why I was passed out when she came. No. It doesn't make sense, no part of me wants to be here. Not even drunk me. 

"You're not regretting coming back, now are you?" 

Oh Lexi, simple, naive, Lexi. It's too late to ask this. I'm already here.

"I'll drive you back." 

The sound of the ignition, makes me divert my attention to her; for the first in few hours we make eye contact. Lexi looks exactly the way I saw her last. Not a single wrinkle in sight, not one. Botox! On the other hand, I'm a mess. I dare not face the mirror.

I'm in my fifties and by now my face is crinkled, streaks of grey in my once black hair, and my green eyes is dark, devoid of life, like my soul. I don't need Halloween, to be The Creepy Old Lady. I'm the Creepy Old Lady who's gonna leave alone, here, all thanks to Lexi. I was already alone, that has nothing to do with her, that's on me. But I wasn't here, now that's all on her.



"No," I say and sigh. I'm tired, no drained and I don't know why. I've had plenty time to get over this, whatever this is.

"Your sure?" 

I nod and look back at the Bungalow; the white plaster walIs, grey roof and black shutters, this used to be our home. Noah and I, we used to be happy here. I slip out of the passenger seat and plunge my fists in the pockets of my black cargo pants. The grass on the front lawn were tamed, who mowed it? And recently too. I climb up the steps to the front porch. The keys. I don't know where I dropped the keys. I look beside me to see Lexie exploring the flower pots.

"You keep a spare here, remember?"

I try to force a smile but I can't. I feel vulnerable, she knows too much. I nod slowly. Note to self, hide the spare key somewhere else, that is, when I get a spare of the spare.

She fishes out the key and opens the door.

The door opens to the entryway. I was expecting to be soaked in dust or all the furnitures covered with a white cloth. However, the wooden floor glistens from the ray of light. The thought of sliding down the hall in my socks crossed my mind. But anxiety doesn't make way for fun. The walls were boring white, just how I liked it.

"It's...clean."

"I did a little dusting, when you called. Luckily, I know where you keep the spare," she said as the jingled the key in my face.

"Little? Don't be modest." I'll ignore the invasion of privacy and focus on the good deed. I sit on the built in bench in the mud room. The blue cushion welcomes me as always.

"When I came, It was quite clean, you were only gone a while. I only needed to do a little."

" More like forever," I say wearing my flip flops.

"It did seem like that." 

I look around the mudroom. My watch, correction my Uncle's watch is on the top right shelf, I remember dropping it there. I also remember, reminding myself to send it to the jeweler. But it's still there, where I forgot it. There's a board at the side of the grey cabinets, with some sticky notes.

'Don't forget to buy food, you're going to eat someday.'

'And tapeons too.'

Underneath the board, is a plastic dark blue key hook, I keep all the extra spares there.

"It looks exactly how I left it."

" I made care of that. Didn't know how you'd react?"

"I thought, they'd sell it or rent it out."

"It's your property."

Our. It's our property. Noah and I. We had barely lived up to a year here.

Didn't Noah want the house. Isn't he going to sue me or something? In all this years, didn't he miss this place, it was our home. Maybe, it reminded him of me or us. I don't know. "And...Naoh just left the house for me?"

"I...guess." 

"He's left?"

"Naoh?"

I nod.

"Yes...I guess he has."

•••••

"We just want to talk, William and I."

Catheleen is across the counter on the kitchen stool. She's in a black robe, dark bags under her eyes and her back slouched. Her hair could pass as a bed nest. My phone sits perfectly in our middle on the black marble surface. The screen reads, William, right above his picture. He was in his blues; the midnight blue jacket with it's standing collar. I remember taking that picture. It was at Cate's engagement party, he showed up late and in his Marine Uniform.

"It's either I meet up with the engagement in my uniform or show up in a suit tommorow. Besides, I know that Cate won't mind." 

That's true. Cate was only happy that he was there, she didn't care for nothing else.

Now, that Noah is gone. He's the only person she'll actually listen to.

"What about?" she asks.

He says, "We just want to ask some questions." 

She stares at the screen. "William, come visit me soon, will ya?"

"I'm still at the base remember? I told you the mission would take the whole year."

"Oh...When you can, come with your kids..." She says, "and your wife too."

What kids? What wife? I swipe the phone from the counter. "What did I say?."

Finally, maybe now, he'll believe me. Cate's forehead is scrunched, so I place the phone back on the counter.

" What kids Cate?" he asks.

"You don't have any?" she asks, her forehead more scrunched up than before.

"None, that I know off."

"Married?"

"No."

"Why? Don't you—"

"Let's have this conversation when we meet okay. I don't really have much time to talk, so let's get to business."

"Okay."

"Lexie tells me you've been down lately. You barely get out of bed." He asks, "You okay?"

Cate glares at me. She probably hates me now. "I'm fine...She's spruing rubbish. At this age, you get tired easily, that's all."

What age? We're about the same age. "What year is it?" I ask.

"Well 2019."

"She's fine," William calls out. 

Maybe she is, but why has she been acting and talking strange. 

"It was 2019 when I left. It's been twenty four years since I've left. So, it should be 2043."

I was right, something is wrong. I really hoped I was wrong. Our worst fears being realized, an akward silence feels the room.

William breaks the silence. "Cate...we think you should see a therapist—"

"Don't need one."

"One appointment. Just one."

"You think because my husband left me, I would break down. I'm stronger than that."

"You're the strongest person I know...But you need to deal with this. Not just hiding from it but facing it."

•••••

"Cate?"

I know that voice, how could I not; it bugged me all week long. Lexie. She's formed this habit of showing up uninvited. I should have hid the spare key somewhere else, but I haven't had the energy. Besides, she brings food. But food isn't enough reason to wake me up.

"Catey?"

I pull the blanket over my head, hoping she'll take the hint and go leave. There's a limit to my tolerance.

"Cateeee!"

"What, Lexie! What's so important that you woke me up so early," I say springing up.

"It's one in the afternoon."

"Exactly, it's not time for my Breakfast Dinner."

Sleeping all day; but fear not Mom, I don't skip breakfast. I have it as dinner; Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. A bowl of cereal and back to bed. I'm too tired to cook, plus I don't have appetite. Right now, I only eat to survive. I'm tired, sometimes just tired enough to eat and sometimes too tired to eat.

"You haven't been out in weeks. Don't you need sunlight?"

"I just want to be alone."

It's like I lost something. I'm alone, empty. There's this void that I can't explain. Each time I move, my muscles ache. There's a race between my mind and body; I don't know how long I can keep going before one gives in.

Why do I feel this way? Is it because of Naoh? It's been so long, I should be over this. Move on Catheleen.

I need company. I don't have friends around, maybe I should get cats. What's a creepy old lady without cats?

"Get out of bed." she begs.

I slip out of bed with my blanket and collapse into the papasan chair by the window. I curl up comfortably, rewrapping myself with the blanket.

"Do you know how Naoh is?" I ask.

Why do I keep asking about him? Worrying about him?

"I'm sure he's fine, wherever he is."

"Did he leave anything with you, for me?"

Maybe an explanation, a letter, something before leaving me.

"No."

"You don't have to talk about it. I know it must be hard for you."

"You think he has kids?"

"Ehmm...No...I don't know...Noooo..."

Why didn't he move on? I'm crazy for loving someone who left me. He left and didn't look back, he doesn't deserve my attention. But still...

"What about you? Got any kids?" I ask

"There's still so much time for that."

"If you say so."

How much time does one possibly have at fifty? Well, she's still stunning so maybe.

"Go take a shower while a go make us something to eat. Something other than Cereal."

I walk towards the kitchen with my brush. I don't brush in the bathroom, because of the mirror. I'll rather not watch myself break. I might know; but seeing it, now that's a lot. I stop at the door, when I hear her my name.

"She asked about Naoh? Asked if he was fine. Asked if he moved on...I don't know...I'm worried about her," she whispers into the phone.

When was it a crime to talk about your Ex? Is it wrong to worry about him? to ask about him. Or am I expected to forget him forever.

This is why I don't have female relationships. They can't keep their mouths shut. Who's she gossiping with? I don't need your pity, Lexie. Not at all.

•••••

The walls is painted tea green. The plants to my right have bottle green broad leaves. Not a fan of green. Another reason, to hate the therapist office.

"Do you know why you're here?"

My nosey neighbor, that's why. I stare at the red head in the armchair, who's staring back at me through her windshield glasses. 

"Words Catheleen?"

"I don't know."

"You're friends are worried about you," she says looking towards the door. Lexie is sitting outside, because I refuse to let her in. She's not my friend, she's my neighbor, that's all she'll ever be. Noah had tried to hook us up before he left. Said, I needed female friends. Look at what that got me, Noah.

"Why do you think they are worried?"

I shrug. Maybe it's because, Lexie can't handle the fact that I'm different. Just because I'm different, doesn't mean I'm not okay. That's why I hate the female populace.

"Use your words Cate."

"I don't care, if Lexie is worried or not. I'm only here because of William."

"William, the best friend...."

We're not best friends. At least, not any more. It's great growing up only have boys as friends. Until, they move away, like William and then communication declines. Those who are around, get married. Some are too busy with their families, they barely have time for friends. I don't blame them, it's only normal their kids become their world. Those married who do have time, have insecure and jealous wives. Women! I don't have the greatest relationship with their wives, don't blame me, that's why I don't have female friends.

"Are you listening Cathleen?"

I look back at her. "Yes."

"How are you feeling today?"

As days go by, not only do I lose the will to live but I'm overcome with tiredness. I can't explain it. I'm just tired everywhere. "Tired. Can I leave?"

She looks up from her silver watch. "Sadly, we're stuck with each other for another fourty five minutes...You don't think you need me?"

"I don't"

"That's okay. Since we got time to spare, you can tell me what's bothering you. I'm a great listener."

You can't trust women, they are undependable creatures. My mother left her new born baby. A baby can't even depend on her mother, who are you to depend on women?

"You're shy. Let me tell you a secret, I'm shy too. We just met and barely know each other, but I hope we can. I'm Dr. Sparks. You can call me Sandra. I'm here to help."

I don't need therapy, I'm fine.

"Whenever you're ready, I'm here," she says crossing her legs. "I'm going to ask you some questions, I'll need you to answer."

"Lexie says you 'act strange' around vehicles. Is that true?"

"I won't say strange. I just don't want to drive."

"Why is that?"

"Because I don't want to," I say shrugging.

"Noah, who is he to you?"

"My... Ex-husband."

"Why Ex?"

"He left me."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know."

"Is that why you left home?"

"I don't know... Maybe."

She hands me a sticky note. "Who's handwriting is that?"

I'm going to our Holiday shed. Don't worry about me, I'm great. I just need some space, I'll be back in three weeks tops. 

Relax, I'm not stupid, I won't commit suicide.

Don't follow me. Don't call me. Don't text me.

I bite my tongue in an attempt to fight back the tears. "It's...mine." 

"Do you remember writing it?"

"I...don't." 

"But it's your handwriting?"

"Yes "

"Lexie found it; taped to the board in your mudroom."

I look at the door. Did I really write that? It's been so long, I've forgotten.

"How did you get to the shed. From my understanding, it's in a different state."

My head starts spinning and I rub my temples.

"Bus? Train? Car?"

"I... don't...know."

"Do you remember arriving at the shed."

"I...I..."

"What did it smell like?"

"I..."

"Did you have to do little dusting or you did a thorough cleaning. "

Why can't I remember? I can't remember.

"It's been so long I've forgotten."

"How long have you been in that shed?"

"More than twenty years."

"Can you tell me how life was there?"

I close my eyes again, trying to remember. 

"What did you eat? Did you have to hunt or fish? Supermarket? Was it lonely? Or did you play games?"

" I can't remember."

"Why did you decide to come back? Why now?"

It's not working, I bite harder till I can taste blood. It's still not working and the tears start flowing. 

"I... don't know."

"It's okay. It's okay, if you don't remember." She passes me a tissue. "Here, use this."

"Lexie is just your neighbor? But you called her to pick you up. Do you remember that?"

I shake my head as I blow my nose.

"I'll have to call Lexie in, do you mind? I want to ask her a few things."

I wipe my tears quickly.

"Sure."

°°°°°

I walk into the room and sit down next to Cate on the white Leather Cushion. Cate's eyes are red, her hands folded and she looks straight ahead towards Dr. Sparks. By the tension of her gaze, I'll have to say that she isn't here.

I answer all of Dr. Sparkle questions. I narrate the call, giving as much detail as I could remember. I describe the shed, nothing out of the ordinary apart from the empty bottle of alcohol. Which is rather strange because I don't think she drinks. Then, I give a quick summary on how the past weeks had been.

"Well, my diagnosis from the test we conducted earlier and my interactions with her is that she has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD."

" PTSD? I didn't experience any trauma—" Cate says, "Naoh leaving me is not trauma."

It's more than what you think Catheleen.

"You're also experiencing Post traumatic amnesia, also seen in cases with PTSD."

"Just because I can't remember a few things doesn't mean I've lost it. It's been over twenty years it's normal I forgot things."

"You've forgotten the Trauma and everything leading up to you coming back home. You're brain has locked up those memories, because there are painful."

"Can you read the date on the note you left behind."

"18th April, 2019."

"Today, Catheleen, is 26th of June, 2019. You only spent twenty four days in that shed. Days not years."

°°°°°

I've had numerous sessions with Dr. Sparks, over the course of months. Today, we're going to try and retrieve my memories. I'm in the grey leather lounge chair, trying to calm by thoughts in anticipation for the process.

"Lexie," Dr. Sparks says causing me to open my eyes.

"Do you recognize this dress?"

I scan the black silk dress. Simple but beautiful. "I...I...don't know...maybe?"

She hands over the dress and I glide my fingers over the material.

"Close your eyes and visualize the dress." She says, "Can you see it?"

The short black silk dress, long sleeve and a V neck. "Yes."

"Can you remember where you saw it?"—my hands clutch the dress—"Relax, breathe, visualize it. Who's wearing the dress?"

I loosen my grip and slowly feel the lustrous material. Letting my thoughts flow.

I see myself in front of the mirror in my room. I'm wiping tears from my eyes with my sleeve and I force a smile. It was me alright in that black dress, practicing to fake smile. "Me..."

"Try to look around, what else can you see?"

I'm in the hall down town, The Eclars. I'm walking through the crowd. What event is this?

"Grey... Scott... family... neighbours..." I say, "They look sad, some are crying...They're looking at me—"

"Calm—"

"Why are they looking at me? Am I dead? "—I gasp—"Did someone I know die?"

"Let's find out together. Just breathe," she assures.

"I see a Coffin."

From where I stood, I could see it. The brown wooden structure with the Gold handle.

"Great, go towards it."

Nooooo

Dr. Sparks asks, "Who's Inside? Tell me, Cate, who's Inside?"

"Naoh!"

I remember.

"Are we going the right way babe?" I asked, looking around. We're the only ones on the express that cool afternoon, surrounded by thick trees in the middle of nowhere. We were going camping. It's a new camp site, I found online.

"We better be, we followed the directions accurately."

A mile later, we heard grinding sounds. The vehicle started slowing down, and the steering got stiff. I parked at the Left of the Express. Noah highlighted to check out the problem.

"What happened?" I asked.

From outside the passenger window, he said, "Punctured tire...back right."

"Ooohh...let me do it...please," I begged.

"Which kind of guy allows his newlywed bride change a tyre."

Awwwww. Newly wed... We've been married for over a year.

"The good kind, who really really really loves his wife."

"I already let you drive, but this...Okay, why don't you check the map again. Make sure we're going the right way."

I reluctantly agreed. I picked up the note, where he wrote the directions and cross checked with the map on my phone.

"Done babe," he shouted. "Just packing up."

A black Toyota Corolla came sprinting down the lane. Before I'm able to glance at Noah, making sure is out of the way, they had colluded. Naoh had been smart enough to leave the road and was by the trees. But by a sick twist of fate, the car trails of the road, crushing Naoh into the tree. The driver I heard was drunk. He died too, brain injury.

I watched the man I love bleed out and breathe his last. He didn't even have the chance to get to the hospital.

He said with a mouth full of blood. "Hey...Listen to me, it's...going to be okay...And I love you."

Those were his last words

I remember everything. The accident. Blood, so much blood. Ambulance. Someone save him. Somebody. The funeral, My flight.

I stand up from the lounge chair and the dress falls to the ground. I need air. I stagger for the door but Lexie blocks me. She's saying something but I can't hear her. My head's spinning and I might collapse on the floor. The urge to close my eyes heightens. To close them and hopefully never have to open them.

"Nothing beats reliving the worse day of your life," I say mustering a smile, with all my might. "I'll be outside."

I'm almost at the door but the door bursts opens. William. He's here. His grey eyes filled with concern. I hate this. I hate making people worry and I hate pity.

He hugs me securely. And at this point I can't hold back the tears. All the tears I had locked up for so long, it was time. I didn't let myself cry when he died; I needed to be strong. But now, it's killing me from the inside.

"Will," I sob.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault, I should have been there, at the burial."

"He's gone. He's really gone."

"I know."

I laugh, a sincere and painful laugh. "I'm a crazy widow."

I'm not in my fifties, I'm twenty–six. And I'm a widow, with no kids. Noah didn't leave me; he was snatched away from me, by the cold dark claws of death.

"You're not crazy Cate. Listen to me, it's going to be better."

I have more sessions ahead of me with Dr. Sparks. I'm not going to run this time, I'm going to face it. I've lost the most important person in my life; but I'll get over this. It's going to be better, eventually.

Noah is gone, he's never coming back and right now that's all that matters.