Yolo

“This was the greatest performance of my life. Every ounce of me was left on that stage tonight. The heart wrenching grief, the tearful monologue, the comedic timing in the second act. The standing ovation during final bows. They could not get enough. Bravo! Bravo to me!

After tonight, this town will know my name. By tomorrow, the country; by the end of the week, the world. Accolades for my performance will come in messages, flowers, phone calls, and then the awards. (“Bravo Yolanda!” “Well done Yolanda!” “Your best performance yet!”)  I’ll have to hire security guards just to be able to walk down the street or go to the grocery store. (“Step back please.”) Privacy will be a thing of the past.

Who needs privacy when you have fame anyway? That’s what gates are for, aren’t they? To keep people you don’t want in, out? I can use social media to give them the tiniest glimpse of what is to be me and they’ll eat it up. They’ll want to wear what I’m wearing even though they won’t be able to afford it. They’ll buy cheap knock offs to look like me.

I’ll start a new hair style trend (“the Yolo”). Maybe a cosmetics (animal safe!) and perfume line (Floral with a hint of citrus. So fresh!). Average people clamoring to look me, smell like me, and just when the body count gets high enough on Instagram, I’ll change things up. New hair, new makeup, and maybe a cookbook. Yes! A cookbook! Family recipes of what I eat every day and how to make them healthy and affordable. (Yolanda Cooks Everyday Foods). No one needs to know I don’t cook. Or have a family for that matter. It’s all about image and what sells.

I knew moving here was going to be epic. Changing my name, my look, my story…it was all I needed to be who I really am and for people to recognize me for what I can be. A star. A star to inspire them to be better versions of themselves.

Fitness videos (Action!), bikini shoots (Snap! Flash!), and a collaboration with a nutritional supplement for weight loss (Lose 30 pounds in 30 days with Yolanda’s exclusive weight loss secret!) will solidify my name with longevity in the market. Fitness and health & beauty are a multi-billion-dollar industry and if I strategize this properly, I will be set for life. Long after this show closes.

Of course, there will be more shows. People are going to want me in every production after this (Broadway, here I come!) Probably for film or television (Tarantino yes, Law & Order, yes). I’ll need to read scripts carefully, methodically, to determine the best and most profitable course to take. Hire an agent or lawyer to make sure my compensation is top dollar with a clause in my contract assuring me a 1% take on the back end. The royalties alone will pay for my holiday villa in Mexico or Italy. Or both!

Oh, the excitement of finally getting the recognition I deserve! (Yolanda! Yolanda! Over here!) Every man (Leonardo? Keanu? Brad?) I am photographed with will be on the tongues of every gossip columnist wondering if they are my new boyfriend or love interest. I will be the most wanted woman in the industry if I play my cards right. Of course, I won’t kiss and tell. Playing coy will keep them on the hook for more.

I’ll be on the cover of every magazine (Vogue, In Style, Entertainment Weekly) dressed in designer clothes and posed provocatively to suggest I might have something interesting to say but they’ll have to buy the magazine to read the article to find out. My nugget of wisdom will be a cliché they’ve heard a thousand times but because I said it, it will click inside them with such fierce clarity, they will walk a little taller into work and ask for the raise they’ve been waiting for and get it.

This performance will not only change my life but all those I haven’t met nor will meet. My life will touch them in ways they had no way of knowing before tonight. Think of the good I will do! Feeding the poor on Thanksgiving (Selfie!). Saving the whales or some other endangered species (Selfie with tears.). Protesting for human rights (Selfie with an angry face.). Photographed and documented for my social media to get the word out. Spread awareness of what’s wrong in the world and what I’m doing to make the world a better place. (Snap! Flash! Post.)

Oh, but with great reward come great responsibility. I will need to take care to keep myself grounded in truth and humility. I will need to employ a therapist to make sure I am staying grounded in what’s real and what’s fantasy. What I can control and what I cannot. Of course, I need to live my life the way I want even if it goes against what my therapist may advise. Mistakes are nature’s way of teaching lessons in life, aren’t they? If no one gets hurt, seriously hurt, then a mistake isn’t really a mistake, is it? (Life imitates art, art imitates life.)

For all other errors, a lawyer is probably a good person to have in the rolodex. Better to be prepared than to have something happen and not have representation. (I didn’t know what I was doing! I was under the influence! I’ve decided to go to rehab.) Making decisions in desperate times usually ends poorly and ends of costing more money than necessary.

So important to have this all worked out in advance. I must be prepared for my audience and the public. They need to know I am a woman of class, honor, and humility. (They can believe me.) I am someone they can trust and believe. (I’ve changed and can do better now.) They can listen to me for advice on how to live better and happier. (How getting clean saved my life.) I’ll be their beacon of light in their lives. I’m ready for the call.

In two years, as I stand on the stage accepting my Oscar for best actress, I will recall this moment in theatre, the director who gave me the chance to play such a life changing character, and the play which changed the trajectory of my life. I will pledge my undying support for live theatre and my dedication to the human race to choose my future projects wisely to ensure they are diverse, inclusive, and positive work environments which also advance human rights issues.

As I look at my reflection in this make up mirror, I feel this is so much responsibility for one person; but I believe I am being called to the task and I am ready—"

“Hey—thought I might find you in here.”

“Yeah, Terry, just finishing up.”

“Okay. Look, you’re a nice girl and everything…I know you like to sit in the actor’s chairs and stuff, but…management doesn’t want you messing--”

“I’m not, Terry, I’m not. I promise.”

“I know, I know. You said that last time. But Miss Kent said there were always a couple of things out of place after the performances you assist her with so she had a camera installed behind one of the bulbs.”

“What…?”

“They’ve been watching you put on the make-up and costumes, re-enact monologues and lines from the show, and then give acceptance speeches to the mirror after everyone has left for the night.”

“But, I—”

“Look, like I said, I know you’re a nice girl, excuse me, young woman, but they want to fire you. I told them to let me talk to you. Give you a warning and see if you stop doing this stuff, you can still work here.”

“Terry, I am shocked to learn I have been spied on this whole time. What I thought were private conversations—”

“With yourself.”

“Regardless, still private.”

“Hey, I get it. The fame bug is catchy. You think I don’t know? That I haven’t caught the idea of something bigger than this place? Of course, I have. But this, this is real life. It’s work.”

“You…you watched, too?”

“Yeah, I watched. Sorry, kid.”

“Thanks Terry, for telling me, but I don’t think I can come back here knowing everyone knows about me.”

“I thought you might say that. Here, I brought your last check. Come on, I’m supposed to walk you out.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“And for what it’s worth? I thought your acting was great.”

“Really?”

“Really. Better than Miss Kent on some of those lines.”

“Thanks, Terry.”

“Yeah, take care kid.”