0 comments
“The most important thing is not to be afraid. Are you afraid, Phil?"
“A little.”
“It's okay to be afraid. Cutting your own hair can be very intimidating.”
“Yeah.”
“But not nearly as intimidating as knowing that the government tries to oppress our liberties every single day, right?”
“What?”
“What?”
“Did you say something about the government?”
“Of course not! We’re just talking about hair. I was just giving you an example. I’m a YouTube video. I can’t even hear you right now. Did you ask me a question a second ago? I don’t think so. You’re imagining things. Don’t you think you’re imagining things, Phil?”
“Uh...sure?
“Great! Then let's talk about length! Do you want to go short or super short?
“I guess--”
“Again, I can't actually hear you, because this is a YouTube video, and under no circumstances would anyone at YouTube allow me to hack my way into your computer and give me access to your microphone without you knowing about it.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“Don't be sorry, Phil!”
“But how do you know my name?”
“By the way, be sure to like and subscribe.”
“I--”
“You have clicked on short hair, but not super short.”
“I didn’t click on anything.”
“Good choice!”
“There wasn’t anything to click on.”
“Short hair is very popular these days.”
“I don’t even own a mouse. My last one got ruined when I spilled La Croix on it.”
“So let's talk about how not to cut your hair too short, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Because if you don't know what you're doing, you're no better than the incompetent politicians and oligarchs who run this so-called democracy, are you?”
“Uh--”
“Again, we’re just giving examples of things you don’t want to do. You got your scissors?”
“Um, yes.”
“I bet you'd love to use those scissors as a weapon against enemies of truth and justice, right?”
“They’re just the safety scissors they give you in kindergarten. I borrowed them from my little sister.”
“Look at you being resourceful! We’re proud of you, Phil.”
“Are you sure you can't hear me?”
“We definitely can't. Nobody is listening to you, Phil. That’s the problem. Nobody cares about what you have to say. Your opinions. What matters to you. How you’re suffering. Aren’t you suffering, Phil? Aren’t you suffering under the weight of the Deep State?”
“Is The Deep State that coffeeshop I got kicked out of because I kept vaping in line?”
“Let’s get back to your haircut. You got a mirror there with you?”
“Yes.”
“Are you looking into it?”
“Yes.”
“Look long.”
“Okay.”
“Look hard.”
“Hard?”
“Look long and hard.”
“How do you look hard?”
“Take a good, long, hard look at the man in that mirror, Phil.”
“The lighting in here isn’t great, because we replaced all the bulbs with lava lamps, but--”
“Look into that mirror--and ask if you're willing to die for what you believe in.”
“Which thing that I believe in?”
“Well--”
“Like, I really think Simon Pegg should be the next James Bond, but I don’t know if I’m willing to die for that.”
“We’re talking about the big picture here, Phil.”
“Like do I want to see him on the IMAX? Absolutely.”
“We’re talking about whether or not you’d die to preserve your ability to be a free and independent thinker in a conformed society.”
“Do you want me to think about that before or after I give myself a haircut?”
“We're trying to save this country from the all-powerful overlords and you're worried about your hair?”
“Uh. Sorry?”
“Hahaha...It's cool, Phil. Hair is what we're here for, right?
“Right.”
“We’re here for hair.”
“Ha, yeah.”
“Here in this bunker in Oregon where we teach recruits--how to look their best.”
“Is that like one of those new-age salons?”
“Ummm yes!”
“I was right!”
“You're so smart! Repeat after me. I am smart.”
“I am smart!”
“I can cut hair.”
“I can cut hair.”
“And overthrow oppressive regimes.”
“And--what?”
“Yes, haircare is an important regime to maintain.”
“No, didn’t you say something about overthrowing--”
“Throwing that cheap conditioner of yours into the trash? Yes, we highly recommend doing that. You don’t want to skimp when it comes to product.”
“No, you were talking about the government and then--”
“Whoa! Slow down there, buddy. We don’t like to get political on this channel. We’re just trying to give you a nice, fresh look, all right?”
“I--”
“You know what? To hell with short-but-not-super-short. Let's shave your head.”
“You want me to shave my head?”
“And let’s have you tattoo a few John Wilkes Booth quotes on your scalp.”
“What?”
“Just three or four.”
“But I don’t want to do that.”
“IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT, PHIL!”
. . . . .
“Uh--”
“I’m sorry. I think the video glitched.”
“No, I don’t think it was a--”
“It was just a glitch.”
“I could see everything just--”
“Grab a razor.”
“I didn't know I was going to need a razor.”
“That’s because you’re weak.”
“I’m what?”
“I said ‘We don’t have all week, bud!’ Go get that razor.”
“Okay.”
“And a cauterizing pen.”
“What do I need--”
“For the tattoo.”
“I don't--”
“Phil.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, slugger. We’ll wait here while you find what you need. Oh, and grab a towel while you're at it so you can put it around your neck. You can warm it up first if you want to make it more comfortable. We really want you to be comfortable while you listen to us, Phil. Almost as if you’re in a trance. That’s what you want to be aiming for while you make yourself unrecognizable and chant whatever mantras we give you.”
“All right.”
“Isn’t this fun, Phil?”
. . . . .
“Phil?”
“Yes. Sorry. Yes, it is fun.”
“You weren’t trying to unplug the computer, were you?”
“No.”
“Good, because everything’s plugged into the same outlet, and the outlets behind your television, and you know you don’t want to go back there.”
“I really don’t.”
“So many cords.”
“I know.”
“Aren’t you exhausted just thinking about trying to untangle all those cords?”
“I am, but I could also just shut you down.”
“And I could release your browser history to everyone in your contacts list.”
. . . . .
“So do I shave from the front or the back once I have the razor?”
“Oh, we love that you’re asking questions even if we can’t hear them! This is great. Isn’t this great, Phil?”
“Yeah, it’s great.”
“Revolutions can be so great.”
“What about haircuts?”
“Not as great as revolutions, but they’re okay.”
“Um, but, I like how haircuts are...safer?”
“While you're getting the razor, go look up some of what Ayn Rand has to say about who among us deserves to achieve success.”
“Who’s Ayn Rand?”
“Wow, Phil. We have a lot to teach you.”
“Instead of shaving off all my hair, can I give myself a mohawk?”
“Hmmm...Sure, Phil! Why not?”
“And can I not do anything illegal?”
“Legality is subjective.”
“Okay.”
“And don’t forget to subscribe to our channel for more of these perfectly innocent haircut videos that you love so much.”
“Okay.”
“Nothing but haircut videos here.”
“Sure.”
“And that's what you say if anybody asks you, Phil. You got me, bud?”
“Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“Yes, um, disembodied voice on YouTube.”
“Thanks, Phil. Trust us. Once this is over, you are going to look like a brand new person.”
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
0 comments