A moment

You are always asked if you had a chance to have a sit down with one person again from the past who would it be? My answer is my grandmother. She was such an influence on my life; I miss her daily, and talk to her through prayers. I know she’s watching over me and my little girls. However I never knew it would actually happen that I would be able to see her again. 

I was sitting on the front porch surrounded my fresh lilacs and roses. I was in my swinging chair that was once hers that she sat on as she awaited her grandchildren to visit. However, I was enjoying my swing while drinking my peppermint tea and starting my new book. I was usually joined by my little fur baby Fluffy, in which dawns on me now is a replica of my grandmothers cat, fat one. A very vocal fat fluffy cat that followed me everywhere and spoke back when asked questions. 

               As I got more comfortable on my chair I heard the front door screen open and shut, “I was just waiting for you Fluff! Are you ready to snuggle and have a comfort session?” As I looked up expecting my feline companion, it was my grandmother. Standing there, at her 5’5 stance, white short hair, big clear glasses and the most beautiful welcoming smile. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, I knew my jaw had dropped and my heart was racing. She gave me a big hug as I stood up quickly and I just couldn’t let go. We were both instantly in tears of happiness. I helped her sit down on the chair next to me and I just couldn’t let her go. She was here.

               Once we were able to calm down a little bit she just continued to hug and look at me in awe, as I just looked at her in shock. How was this happening? “Kasia, my goodness, you’re a woman.” Last time she saw me I had just my eldest daughter running around in diapers. More than 10 years ago. My grandmother had passed away of dementia. It was a long battle that all of us were saddened with. We knew her time was going and we were as educated as ones would be today. We didn’t know what was to come; we just took it step by step. She started to ask me questions about life, and how everything was going. How I was overcoming my divorce and raising my two little girls alone. She explained how proud of me she was for doing everything the way I did and expressed how she wasn’t upset with me at all. I was always worried about my grandmother’s disapproval with the divorce. But she saw what type of a man she was and fully supported me. “I am always with you and watching you, seeing how you raise those beautiful girls.”  I knew she was, I could always feel her presence around me at home. Sometimes when the girls were babies they would look up and smile, I knew grandma was playing with them.

               I updated her on the family and where people lived now and where. I explained how our world went through a pandemic and we all wear masks now. As we continued to talk she asked if we could go to the kitchen to make some food. I was honoured to do so with her, as she was the best cook in the house. I helped her off the chair and into the pale pink and white tiled kitchen just inside the door. Hours flew by before we were sitting down in the Kitchen again, surrounded by a buffet of polish foods in which we just prepared together. The table was covered by a white plastic sheet and white table cloth on top, just like she had when we were growing up. Kielbasa, and toast smothered in butter, an assortment of jams and jellies. Cutlets, Cabbage Rolls, Pierogis made with cheese just like I liked it, powdered donuts, of course coffee and tea. The table was full, just in case someone popped by. That was the general rule; the family would never go hungry.

She excused herself to go to the bathroom, just a few steps away. As she had gone still amazed at what was happening, I looked to my left at the wall where just as it always was a full mirror. It wasn’t me, but a younger version of myself. It was like I went back in time somehow to have this visit and eat and share stories with her. I was completely blessed; I searched for my phone to contact my mother, aunts and uncles, brother and cousin. I wanted to share this monumental moment with everyone. I couldn’t find my phone, nowhere to be found. I heard the sink in the washroom running; she was done and headed out shortly. I went upstairs to help her out. She was so happy and I forgot how much I loved her smile. We sat back down and started eating again, she took the toast with all the butter, put jam and meats and cheeses on it and enjoyed every bite. Always getting some food on her face as well, she drank her tea and started telling me a story.

               When she went up to heaven she was at peace, she could still see all of us going about our daily lives. She saw us go thru many hard decisions making situations and prayed we would find the right one, and knowing that we would be ok. She has been watching her grandchildren and great grandchildren grow and learn and enjoy life. She gets to be with my grandfather and other family members we lost too soon. She sees how the world is turning and kept saying only positive can come out of this. And my favourite thing was that everything happens for a reason. She told me she was a lot closer to me than everyone else because she sees herself in me. How I am, compassionate and big hearted. Patient, full of love and joy. She explained how she’s always with me, and always watching. A little progress each day adds up to big results. I’m making good choices, and have a great support system. She wants me to support my mother and just be patient with her as she deals with her losses and pain. As she deals with alcoholism to be patient with her and just be a strong daughter that she knew I was. She then broke the news that this moment couldn’t last forever. It was almost time for her to go, but she chose this moment to be with me to help me a little bit better. “You are a strong woman, because a strong woman raised you, and a stronger woman raised her”. She knew what I was dealing with in life as she had also dealt with it and it the outcome came out strong.

               I of course didn’t want her to leave but I understood the moments couldn’t go on forever, it felt like eternity as it was. We walked slowly out to the front porch again and sat down for a few minutes. I told her to say hello to everyone watching over us and to send our love, she gave me the comfort of knowing they were always with us and we could talk to them through prayer anytime we wanted. We finalized our visit with another strong hug and I tried to help her leave but she told me to stay and enjoy my book, and finally get my creativity to write again as she knew I wanted too. I watched her leave and couldn’t stop the tears from my eyes from falling; I put my hands up to my eyes to wipe them away and heard the door open and close. I sat down and just reflected on what I was just able to experience. I then heard a small patter at the window and there was fluffy with his paw up meowing. Like he was saying it was going to be ok, which he’s’ never done before. Then it dawned on me and everything seemed to connect; was it actually fluffy, or my grandmother?