First, We walked.

I shuffle towards my comfy looking bed that holds so many memories, so many pleasant days laying and watching different shows and weird things together with him throughout the years. I stumble over something laying in the middle of my floor and crouch down to study the foreign object. My heart shatters as I pick up the ancient journal that gave me the courage to tell Elijah what I truly felt.  After that day, I took over the small diary, desperately wanting to keep it and make more memories for someone else to read and inspire them to do the same. Marking down memories as the days pass. I flipped the page to the day after I confessed. Eyes skimming the words that described the wonderful days in our relationship. 

‘Dear Mystery journal,

Thank you for showing up when you did.  It’s the day after I found you and the day after you helped me  tell Elijah what I truly felt. You gave me the courage to tell my first love that I feel more than just brotherly love towards him. He took it extremely well but he hasn't really brought it up since then. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. ‘ 

I flip to the next clean page, right past all the pages that held words about the best summer ever. The summer spent with my Best friend who was also my first and greatest love.  I shift towards my nightstand and extend my hand to feel around for a pen, my favorite pen. The pen Elijah gave me when we were in 7th grade. 

I give a light breathless chuckle as I recall the memory from over 8 years ago. My laugh harshly turned into a broken sob as I thought about the two kids risking everything for one another, too young to know that they would have such an impact on the others' lives. I refocus on the task at hand and click the pen to start writing but I hesitate for a couple seconds. Am I up for this? It won't hurt, it will be painful but it won't kill me. My hand lifts to the page but it doesn't make it all the way. I lift my head to scan my surroundings as I’ve done so many times but this time was different. It was so dark and the air was thick with sadness. It hurt to think that just a couple weeks ago this room was lit up with joy and two people who grew out of their young ways and began to appreciate the other more. 

 I jump up out of my sitting position with the book still in my hands and rush outside of my room, jogging towards my front door. I yank the entrance door open and take in a big long drag of the fresh cold air. My lungs expanded painfully as tears sprung to my eyes.  I don't even think about taking my car as I start running towards the little park near mine and Elijah's apartment. My steps halt and my brain pushes all the memories of all the days spent with the bell like laughter lingering in the air, coming from Elijah's mouth. Us running around as if we were small and young again, not a care in the world. I pushed my feet to continue and finally arrived at my destination.  The gates of the cemetery glaring at me while I slowly approach. I walk down the chilling path feeling the same chilled but warm sensation on my skin as spring was upon us. The day I confessed came to mind as I cherished all the days I still had with him. I come to a stop at a certain headstone. His name printed along the front in elegant cursive. I picked the headstone knowing it would mark the spot where my love would be staying in an eternal sleep, I didn't care how much it cost. He was worth it. He was worth everything. 

I take slow, shaky steps towards the piece of cement with Elijah's name carved into it. Crouching to get on it level as I did earlier today. I gingerly raise my hand to trace the words written under his name. The words were so generic and simple but they still held so much meaning.  Hot tears run down my cheek, falling into the soft dirt that had been recently turned over. I sit on my heels, my knees under me. I pull the pen from my jacket pocket and open the journal back to that lonely blank page, waiting to be filled. My heart already knows what to write. It isn’t perfect but it's something that can't just be bottled up. Elijah always told me that it was bad to hold things in, He said it damages your soul.  My hand lifts slightly as I near the cream colored pages of the ancient journal. 

‘Dear Journal,

It's been 2 years since I found you, and 2 years since I got the attention of the love of my life. He was my first love and I finally felt ready to tell him. That day I told him I loved him and that was the most important and happy day in my life ever.  Last week I was planning my proposal to him., but despite everything , a couple days ago I had to force myself to plan his funeral. Today I had to bury my first love. I had to stand in that cemetery and pretend that I wasn’t dying on the inside infront of all our loved ones.  I had to swallow all the tears down as I told him I loved him for the last time before he would be forever out of my reach. Thank you for giving me the best days of my life with him. It wasn’t nearly enough, but I wouldn't have had any if you didn't show up in the snow that day. 

Goodbye,

Trevor.’

I set the journal down next to me as I look up and place my hands in my lap. Sitting next to the spot where my first and only love lays forever.