Shall Do Us Part

Shall Do Us Part

By

Anyango Nyalang’o

The orange sun dived straight for the horizon in the west as the darkness from the east rose. It was time. A time they’d hoped would never arrive but had. Mark placed his palms on her cheeks and squeezed. Looking into her eyes he said, “I will miss you. I’m thankful I was able to get one more chance to see you and tell you that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.” He took her hand in his and ran her fingers on his lips, “this smile is because of you. I will always love you.” At that moment the sun and horizon touched and light shot from the union. She opened her mouth to say something but before she could the light shone across his face and a sound much like that of a water drop deafened her ears and he was gone. Her hand froze in the air minutes after. Her breath beyond her. He was gone… again! Not again. He had been sent back because she hadn’t got the chance for a proper goodbye and had not handled the loss well. However now it just seemed like a postponement of the inevitable. Her plummet into the deep abys of sadness was just one inevitable.

She got up dusted herself and took in the sight of the town from the top on the hill. It was spectacular watching the buildings light up one by one just as the sky, clear as a tear, revealed the stars. She didn’t cry. Not this time. She simply watched but inside her a darkness washed like a tsunami. The wind grew stronger and temperatures dropped but her skin burned. Her bare chest a steaming epicenter. She picked her leather bag from the ground but she left the Maasai shuka with the picnic basket there. Used paper plates and soda cans lay there slightly touched. They were evidence that he’d been there. Evidence she could not bare to face so she put her left foot in front of her right and began the descent downhill.

When she got to the apartment on the second floor of an old rusted building she first stood at her balcony and looked at the ground below. There were no cars in the parking lot. “A fall from here wouldn’t kill you.” the whiny voice hadn’t startled her and he had been more surprised. She didn’t respond but instead reached in her back for her keys and opened the door. “Kate are you okay?” she turned to look at Andy her neighbour and maybe it was her demeanor or lack of that caused him to move a step back but she’d shut the door in his face before he could say another word.

Inside she dropped the bag on the carpet unzipped her dress and let it too fall to the floor before walking to the bedroom. She sat on the bed and let her skinny bum dig in to the duvet before untying her shoe laces. All this time she stared at the ceiling. When she was completely stripped she stepped into the shower and let the water run on her head. She didn’t lather or scrub. She stood… And stood. Until her feet feebler under her gave up but before she could surrender to the ground she threw herself out of there and sat on the toilet. Nothing came out of her so she pulled a towel but did not wrap it around. Instead she carried it in hand and walked back to the bedroom.

The towel, she used to dry her shaven head but did nothing about her wet body as she sat on the coach at the window. She pulled the curtain aside and looked out. The night was young and the town was bursting with excitement. She could hear vehicles growl and hoot people, shouting and music playing. The world moved on as hers died. She stopped drying her head and sat in the darkness for minutes, eyes wide open but dry. Dry of thoughts dry of tears.

Then the phone rang and when she failed to pick up it went to voicemail, “hey girl it’s me again. I hope you’re okay… just a heads up; the big guy isn’t buying this whole you taking your grandfather to rehab thing… I know I know, it’s a terrible lie. I should have gone with him being in the hospital. But anyways you should really show up for work tomorrow… both our necks on the line here. Anyways… I hope you’re having fun…just that ever since Mark died you took it pretty hard it’s nice to know you’re putting yourself out there. Anyways call me or not just please show up tomorrow. Bye!” There was an even deeper silence after. She hadn’t turned to look at the phone. Getting up from the couch she left the towel there went to her neatly colour coded closet and picked brown sweatpants and a green t-shirt. She didn’t close the doors. She walked backwards looking at the clothes and shoes. He had arranged them. They looked perfect and something inside her wanted to preserve that perfection. The same thing that wanted to preserve them. It stung. She dropped the clothes went to the kitchen took her jiko and went to the kitchen’s balcony to light it.

The cold dug through her skin and flesh exposing her bones. Gnawing at them. But she enjoyed the pain. Having thrown nothing on her bare skin she gave no care about the people from the next building who could have easily spotted a naked lady. She lit the tin in minutes and took it back inside when the flames in the charcoal were like ruby, but she stayed back a bit to look at the sky. She used to enjoy such seasons with their sunny days and clear starry nights. Now however, more than anything she wished for storm and rain. Wanted to be part of a greater darkness than hers. And I will be.

When she slammed the door behind her and in what felt like two steps she brought the jiko to the sitting room, brought a small make up bag full of photos of her and Mark from back when they were kids to when they first made love and lastly her clothes. She sat on the floor next to the two and pulled the sweatpants on before adorning the baggy green t-shirt that was obviously his. Crossing her legs before her, she began removing the photos one by one letting the image transport her mind to each day.

For hours and hours she sat there arranging each of the photos in order of events in their lives. The charcoal took its time in burning maybe even burning slowly for her sake. One particular photo she held in her hand after laying the other hundreds on the floor was of the time they’d gone to Elegerini. A small gem hidden in the country hills. That photo was taken by one of the stewards in the resort. Mark had paid the boy to take it as he threw her into the pool. They had the best time that day. It was also the day he proposed; more like said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but in his serious tone. The kind that let you know this isn’t just a statement. She hadn’t said anything then. She hadn’t felt the need to say anything. He knew. He must have always known. Little did they know… the rest of it was their drive home.

It was only right that they get what was promised. Forever. How was she supposed to have forever without him? His short return to give a proper goodbye was not something she had bargained for. He said forever and they hadn’t even had a fortnight. As the thoughts streamed in one invading another, sweet saccharine slumber creeped in and she coiled beside the dying charcoal.

Finally she was part of a greater darkness than hers. No sounds nor light. Not a peep. Not even the shushing sounds of breath. Just pure night until... there wasn’t.

“You are not welcome here, so why should I let you pass?”

“What?” Kate opened her eyes. Eyes she didn’t even know were shut. She was in a room or what felt like a room. White or light blue she couldn’t tell but there was purple smoke rising from the ground reducing visibility. She couldn’t smell a thing. There was no breeze and no heat; nothing for the skin to speak of.

“Don’t waste my time girly. Why should you complete the transition?” the voice said. A voice that swelled with irritation. It paused… “Do you know where you are?”

“Ummm…”

“You tried to kill yourself genius,”

 “No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did and this is the part we argue and I prove you wrong but I honestly don’t have the strength this second. So let’s say you did… am in charge of approving your passage to ‘dead zone’. But reasons have to be valid otherwise you go back and figure out your situation.”

“I lost the man I love”

“Ha! Heard that before. Let’s see… a certain Mark… he put in quite the compelling request to come say goodbye and was good on his word… you fool”

“What!”

“He thought you guys resonated on the same frequency and you’d appreciate the second chance… amateur. Only he didn’t know what we know. They always try to follow.” Kate was confused. She didn’t understand what was happening. There was only a voice but no man.

“Sir I just want to see mark, please.” She dropped her head to her knees.

“No! You are going back.”

“No please.”

“Next!”

“I beg you.” she crouched

“Everybody begs. But let me tell you something girly. You know not what you ask for.” There was a ting of mockery in his tone. “You think you need to see him…need – what you need is to find another reason to go on. To live. Because girly there’s plenty. Few of you humans are ever willing to look for them.”

She still her head buried, “no…he’s my only.”

“No he isn’t. In fact the truth is that. Had he stayed alive just a little longer you’d have broken up and would be leading different lives – okay I don’t know that for sure but it’s entirely possible. Isn’t it?”

“No!”

“Look I wish I could do this but I’m tired. I have to give this same talk to umpteen other people in just this second. It isn’t your time girly, accept that and move on…” the voice carried on for a while about how over the years the numbers of people wishing to put an end to their lives had grown and so far he’d found the solution to their problem wasn’t death, “ ‘the great nothingness they seek’ pfft! Only more loneliness,” but more human connection. Interaction. Each of these words meant nothing to her. She simply felt unheard and misunderstood so she stopped listening and finally let her cries up-well from the pit of her stomach.

“And we have a moaner… I can’t I just can’t.” That was it. His voice disappeared and a long naked silence ensued. It was so deep even she couldn’t hear her own cries.

Crouched on the floor she rocked back and forth uncertain of what was happening. Was she now dead and was this it for all eternity? What if she never got to see mark ever again? Was all she did for nothing?

“Maybe.” Mark. It was him and they were back on that hill in a moment frozen in time just as the sun hit the horizon.

“Don’t leave me again. I don’t think I can…”

“Did you see what happens tomorrow?”

She was puzzled, “n-no…what?”

Mark pointed to the horizon, “that right there is a step I took. I accepted because one never knows. The next second, minute, hour…” he paused, “day might come with unimaginable gifts and all you have to do is step into it. Don’t get stuck in this moment. Go do everything you could possibly do so that when this choice comes you won’t fight it out of regret and fear. It is a beautiful thing only if you’re willing to accept it.”

Something akin peace started to wash over her. She was no longer looking at her Mark. The Mark who’d carried her lunch for her in kindergarten but someone – I dare say, something different. This Mark was at peace. Happy. She felt guilty for her selfishness but she felt peace in his peace. This time he didn’t leave she did. She kissed him on the cheek and began the descent downhill, the waterfall of tears blurring her sight until it all went white and the next thing she saw was her neighbour holding a torch over her. She was outside lying on the corridor and her door was wide open.

“You are awful at slamming doors, you left yours open and I saw you lying there…” his hands were trembling. She tried to reach for them but had little strength. He reached instead and pulled her up. He was small but strong. She pounced for his chest and he held her tight.