Last EX-it

“Please tell me you haven’t left for the weekend yet!” 

Zoey instantly dreaded answering her phone. The desperation in her sister’s voice made her stomach turn and mind wander into the danger zone. This was going to cost her something; money, time, or worse, her dignity. “Nope, still in the driveway.” she responded reluctantly, placing her bags in the trunk and slamming it closed. Zoey was completely desensitized when it came to her sister Bryn’s propensity for drama and began to imagine possible scenarios before Bryn could explain. Of course, each one flashing through her thoughts was more bizarre than the last causing an involuntary giggle to escape.

“Zoey, this isn’t funny, we need your help, it’s a full blown emergency!” 

Zoey paused, considering her sister may very well be in some sort of trouble, “Are you ok?” she asked, genuinely concerned. 

“Yes, of course. Gary and I have been on the road for about an hour, and one of our friends needs a ride. His car broke down at the end of his street. He managed to push it back into his driveway but now has no way to get to the wedding. I know you’re notoriously late and presumed you hadn’t left yet, so say you’ll do it; say you’ll give our friend a ride.” 

Zoey attached her phone to the mount on her dash and connected her Bluetooth. She glanced into the rearview mirror noticing her furrowed brow. “What friend, and where are they?” 

“Um, well, it’s Kevin, and before you say no, you literally have to pass his house on your way out of town, so there’s absolutely no inconvenience at all.” Bryn’s encouraging inflection infuriated Zoey as she processed the fact that her own sister was asking her to spend the next three hours trapped in a car with her ex-boyfriend. 

“That’s a big hell no.” 

“Zoey, stop being unreasonable. Kevin is part of the bridal party. It’s essential he gets to the wedding, and you are driving there anyway, alone. You would literally be saving the day.” 

“Stop saying “literally”. And you’re telling me that Kevin is fine with this arrangement?” Bryn paused longer than necessary. “Oh My God, Bryn, no one told him I would be the one picking him up?” 

“Well, we just had time to assure him that someone would be there to pick him up as soon as possible.” 

“Bryn, it takes less than a second to mention my name. This is more than manipulative, even for you.” 

“I know, so, I am prepared to bribe you with a spa day at the resort, my treat. Now please, say you’ll do this.” 

“Fine, I’m on my way, but you will owe me so much more than a facial and a massage.” 

Zoey backed out of her driveway and began the short drive to Kevin’s house, less than three miles from her own. Her thoughts drifted from one relationship disaster to another. No two people were ever as mismatched as she and Kevin were, only agreeing to date for the sake of their friend group. They were both single and it made sense to become a couple when attending group activities. However, Zoey quickly became acutely aware of their incompatibility and struggled through six months of awkward encounters that somehow should have been romantic. She shuddered at the thought of having to spend one on one time with him as she vowed to never again compromise her self-respect for the good of the group. "How ironic”, she thought as she pulled into his driveway and gave her horn three quick taps. 

Kevin emerged from the front door lugging an inappropriately large suitcase behind him. Zoey laughed aloud watching him thump the case down the front steps, nearly losing his balance. “Please fall.” she thought to herself, with little guilt for her malicious wish. He managed the bag down the drive, still oblivious as to who actually came to his rescue. He knocked on the back window and yelled smugly, “Pop the trunk.” 

Zoey obliged. The anticipation of Kevin's realization was too much to bear, and Zoey could not contain her laughter as she watched him walk to the front of her car and open the passenger door, slide into the seat, adjust it, fasten his seatbelt and finally turn to the driver to thank them for the save. His mouth hung agape, and his narrow little eyes widened as much as they possibly could without causing any permanent damage. He reminded Zoey of a poorly illustrated cartoon character, intended to render stupidity itself. Zoey gave him a few seconds to process before breaking the obvious tension with a polite and platonic “Hey Kev”.

“You!” was all he could manage during the first few moments. Kevin’s composure wrestled with his embarrassment while Zoey simply threw the car into gear and backed out of his driveway without uttering any of the pithy retorts filling her thoughts. She drove several miles before Kevin dared speak. Zoey assumed he needed every bit of that time to formulate his rendition of an intellectual yet condescending ice breaker; however, as usual, Kevin fell short of expectation. 

“I know why you volunteered to drive with me and honestly Zoey, it’s not flattering but rather disturbing.” 

“That’s exactly how I feel about you.” she thought. Three hours stuck in a car with him would certainly seem like the fifth circle of Hell if she gave into her undeniable urge to verbally beat him down within the first ten minutes. “I didn’t exactly volunteer, but I’m happy to help out. I know you’d do the same for me.” “He absolutely would not!”

“Well, I doubt it, I mean what would my girlfriend think if I helped you out of a jam?” Kevin squirmed a bit in the seat while attempting to pass his emotional discomfort off as physical. “Do these seats go back any further? I’m feeling cramped.” 

Zoey intentionally sidestepped the “girlfriend” comment, praying it wouldn’t come up again, “Yeah, reach down on your right and press the lever back.” She glanced to her right as Kevin fumbled for the lever. “Here.” she offered, reaching for the panel on the dash. “Try this.” Zoey pointed to the control panel where another seat adjustment option awaited. 

“Nice car.” He spat as he played with the dash panel. “Rental?” 

“No, I bought it about four months ago. I’ve wanted one for years.” Zoey knew she had mentioned her dream car to Kevin many times while they were dating. Although she didn’t expect him to remember, the rental dig led her to believe he had. 

“I bet it’s a gas guzzler. My girlfriend drives a hybrid. She’s more concerned with efficiency than aesthetics and status.”

“Obviously.” Zoey stifled a giggle. “That’s very cool.” she said, feigning interest. 

“Did anyone bother to inform you that I have a girlfriend? I mean, if you were thinking we were going to spend time together at the resort, I might as well tell you now, that it’s not going to happen.” 

“Oh, thank God we cleared that up.” “Yes, I do believe I heard you were dating someone. She’s from Canada, right?” Once again, Zoey swallowed a giggle. 

“No, who told you that? She’s from South Jersey, I’m sure you wouldn’t know her.” 

Zoey’s laughter suddenly developed a mind of its own and it burst from its intentional confines for only a few seconds, but certainly long and loud enough to be irritating. 

“That’s funny?” he asked, confused as to why Zoey was expressing her humor. He hadn’t picked up on the “girl from Canada” dig, and assumed Zoey found South Jersey to be the punchline. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was reminded of a joke as we passed that sign back there.” She lied.

“What sign?”

She deflected, “You know, the first hour is so boring but once we get out of the city, the scenery is just beautiful all the way into the mountains. It was such a fun idea to have a destination wedding in the Catskills, don’t you think?” Zoey was never one for small talk, but she thought it rude to turn on the radio and crank the volume. Well, not just yet anyway. 

“Waste of time and money. When we get married, it will be local, so no one has to be inconvenienced. Oh, when I say “we” I mean me and my girlfriend.” he clarified, as if he had to. 

“I think it’s rather romantic. Besides, I for one am looking forward to spending the weekend taking full advantage of the resort's amenities. It’s like a mini vacation with a built-in party.” 

“Did you not get a plus one on your invitation?” he asked.

“I did. I thought it would be better to fly solo. This way I don’t have to feel responsible for someone else’s good time. I can focus on being with my friends and having some time to myself.” she answered honestly. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore his snide comments, therefore adding, “Did you not get a plus one?” 

“I did.” he said smugly, “My girlfriend is visiting her aunt in Arizona this weekend.” 

“Well, that’s a far cry from Canada!” 

His perpetual state of bewilderment amused Zoey more than she cared to admit. She toyed with asking the name of said girlfriend and continuing to be at the very least cordial for the duration. She sighed, “So, does your girlfriend have a name?” 

“Nancy. And I really think she’s the one.” 

Zoey’s eyes widened, “That’s wonderful.” She found herself genuinely happy for Kevin. “I’m so glad to hear you’ve found someone special.” 

“I know that must be hard for you to hear. In a way, I’m glad Nancy isn’t with me; that could really throw a wrench into your weekend, having to see us happily together.” 

“Oh, look! There’s our exit.” Zoey declared pointing to her right. “We’re about halfway there, and making great time.” she said, glancing at the time display on her phone. “I figured it would be a three-hour drive and it’s only been a little over an hour.” 

“Two hours and thirty-nine minutes according to my GPS.” he corrected. “I’m not sure how you came up with three hours.” 

“Holy shit, is this guy annoying!” If there were any doubt as to why she had broken up with him, it had been dispelled. 

“Do you mind if I turn on the radio?”

“That’s fine, but nothing too aggressive. Nancy prefers I listen to soft rock, smooth jazz or classical.” Kevin clasped his hands behind his head and leaned back. The clear and distinct image of striking him in his pompous face with a closed fist flashed through Zoey’s thoughts. She realized some would conclude she was in fact jealous of his new relationship due to residual romantic feelings. However, Zoey was more than sure she just couldn’t stand him. 

Zoey intentionally selected a playlist loaded with classic rock and raised the volume. He winced, she gloated and began to sing along to an all too familiar song. 

“You should have outgrown this kind of music by now. Nancy says it solicits heightened negative emotions and it’s bad for your mental health.” 

“Well, isn’t Nancy a plethora of knowledge?” “She sounds delightful.” 

“She is. She’s smart, practical and reliable.”

“Just like her car!” 

Kevin sat straighter in his seat, “Zoey, it’s natural for you to lash out at the idea of Nancy and I being in love. I feel sorry for you, but that’s all I feel. Do you understand?” 

“Speak slower you ape! The beating of my broken heart is drowning out your ridiculous drivel.”  “You don’t have to worry about me, Kev. I will endure somehow.” 

Zoey pressed down on the gas pedal and opened up the V-8 under the hood of her new Challenger. They were headed into the mountains far from the highway traffic and the speed limit seemed but a mere suggestion. This is how the car was meant to be driven. 

“You do realize that if you ever meet Nancy, she will surely disapprove. She and my mother have had conversations about you. They both agree you were nothing but a setback in my life. I have to confess; my mother loves her. They have become good friends and even take a ceramics class together. Nancy says when the time comes, they want to make the favors for our wedding.” 

“Where the hell did all that come from?” “Good news for Nancy, there’s little chance she and I will ever meet. She will likely be spared the displeasure of being in my company. Oh, and how is your mother doing? Please give her my regards when you speak to her.” Zoey’s intonation oozed sarcasm. 

“She and Nancy have so much in common. I never thought I’d find a woman like my Mom.”

“Oh, ewww !”  Zoey pressed her lips tightly together to keep the sarcasm from spilling out. She managed a faint, “Mmm_Hmm” She felt nauseated and somehow grateful at the same time. They literally make horror films about men like him and the women who unnaturally worshiped his demented eccentricities. Zoey thought back to several instances where the discomfort she felt in his presence morphed from incompatibility to trepidation. The more she focused on those moments, the more she recalled. “Oh, Dear God, the evidence was irrefutable.”

“Oh, look! The first billboard for the resort. It says only thirty-seven miles to go.” she stated with relief. Zoey's phone began to chime. She turned the radio down and tapped her screen. “Hey Bryn, you’re on speaker.” she announced in anticipation of her sister asking how things were going. 

“Where are you guys?” 

“About forty minutes away.”

Kevin piped up, “The way Zoey drives, we will be there in like ten minutes. This car was a bad idea for someone so irresponsible.” 

Bryn sighed. She suddenly felt sorry for her sister and guilty for goading her into rescuing a stranded Kevin. “Hey Zoe, they have this ultimate spa package, and I am about to make appointments for both of us tomorrow morning, totally on me of course.” 

“Thanks Bryn. It sounds perfect. So, have you and Gary checked out the bar yet? I’m looking forward to hanging out tonight, maybe with a cocktail or three.” 

Bryn sympathized and hated to be the one to make things even worse for her sister but decided to rip off the proverbial band-aid. “Kevin, a woman arrived a few minutes ago on the airport shuttle. She gave your name at the front desk. Were you expecting a Nancy to join you?” 

Kevin nearly jumped from his seat. His voice cracked, and his cheeks flushed, “What? Nancy is there? She can’t be. Is this a joke, Bryn?” 

“Not at all. She’s sitting in the lobby talking to Gary. When I heard her ask for you, I told her I would call and check.”

Kevin remained silent. His countenance was that of someone encountering a poltergeist, and his overall complexion turned ashen. For a moment, Zoey was concerned, not for Kevin's well being but for her own. She asked Bryn to stay on the line and chat with her while she drove that last short bit to the resort. The sister’s made small talk, peppering in cryptic innuendos when they could. Finally, Zoey turned left at the stone fountain embellished with the resort’s name and mountain-esque sigil. 

“See you in a minute, Bryn.” Zoey ended her call and turned to Kevin. “We’re here. I’m sure you can’t wait to see Nancy. I hope Bryn didn’t ruin the surprise.” 

Still, no words came. Silence was uncharacteristic and had Zoey more than curious. She pulled up to the main entrance, handed her keys to the valet and helped the porter unload their bags from the trunk onto a luggage trolley. Kevin slowly made his way from the passenger's seat to the curb, stepping cautiously toward the enormous glass doors. 

Bryn rushed to her sister’s side and linked her right arm with Zoey’s left. She leaned in and whispered, “Nancy looks exactly like Kevin’s mom.”

As they entered the elaborate lobby of the resort, Bryn gestured slightly with her head in Nancy’s direction. Bryn’s boyfriend Gary sat nearby with his head in his hands, anticipating the reaction from Zoey as she came face to face with Nancy. The woman stood and faced the doors as Kevin crept toward her, head and shoulders slouched downward resembling a puppy recently scolded for piddling on the carpet. 

Zoey and Bryn stood alongside Gary while Nancy addressed her boyfriend. Her scowl spoke volumes, but his body language screamed even louder. 

Zoey buried her face in her sister’s shoulder and giggled maniacally. She whispered, “So worth the road trip from hell. This is going to be the best weekend ever.”