Initial Response

“Ok, Myron. Let me get this straight. You’ve decided you want to be a superhero…”

“I haven’t decided I want to be a superhero, Mortimer. I am a superhero.”

“You are?”

“Yep. I just found out I came from a planet far, far away. As a result, I have superpowers on my new planet, Earth.”

“What kind of superpowers?”

“Well, technically I have just a single superpower.”

“Do tell.”

“I can complete tax forms at superspeed with TurboTax accuracy. I’ve been doing my parents' taxes since I was three, and they’ve never been audited. I feel the need to share my gift with my fellow Americans.”

“That’s commendable.”

“Good. Because I need a sidekick, and you fit the bill.”

“Alright, let’s say I’m on board with your plan. What is the deal with your name?”

“My name?”

“Yes, don’t you think you might get some side-eyes when you arrive on the scene?”

“Oh, I see what you're saying. It’s the acronym thing, isn’t it?”

“Yep.”

“Well, technically my super-name will be Fast And Reliable Tax Man. I think it’s important to be honest about who you are.”

“You can sugarcoat it all you want, Myron. When you fly into the room in your skin tight suit and flowing cape, people are going to lose respect for you as FART Man.”

“No, they won't.”

“Yes, they will.”

“We can revisit that later. You know why I’m here. I need a sidekick. You are my best friend. Will you proudly join me in my fight against the evil IRS?”

“I don’t know, Myron.”

“Your mean, FART Man.”

“I don’t know, FART Man. I’m not a limelight kind of guy.”

“That’s the beauty of my idea, Mort. I don’t need you to be out in front or doing anything complicated or dangerous.  I’ll do all that. I need someone to take care of the behind the scenes stuff. You know. Scheduling, paying the bills, keeping the lights on, police reports. Things like that. You can be my Super Courageous Assistant Boy.”

“Wait, you want me to be your SCAB?”

“I guess I do. What do you say, SCAB?”

“What the hell, FART Man. I’m in. Where do we start?”

“Well, now that I’ve picked my SCAB, we need a purpose. We need to find adversaries to defeat.”

“Besides the IRS?”

“There are so many other wrongs that need to be right. So many rights that need to be U-turns. Take the United States’ progressive tax code. It makes no sense.”

“Well, as your sidekick, my only job is to be shorter and stupider than you, but I have a cousin who’s good at taxes, too.”

“Maybe I know him. What’s his name?”

“Smart, Hardworking And Reliable Tax Man.”

“I’ve seen his work. SHART is good, but I could wipe the floor with him. Plus he has a hairy beer belly. Do you really want to see that in a leotard?”

“Thanks for that thought. I guess I won’t be eating lunch today. I get your point FART Man, but we can’t do this alone. We need our version of the Justice League. How about we get a woman. Women usually look good in spandex bodysuits.”

“SCAB, you’re a genius. We need someone who can impart our knowledge to those who want to join our quest. She can be the Teacher. Instructor. Trainer.”

“The TIT?”

“Yes, The TIT. We can tell our enemies to suck on that.”

“The problem with TIT’s is that they usually pair up. The TIT’s hang together. They unionize.”

“We sidekicks tried unionizing before it was outlawed. I’ll miss the Brotherhood Of Otherworldly Bondsmen.”

“What happened to them?”

“The BOOB’s? They transitioned to an entirely different clientele.” 

“Well, SCAB, we need a motto to succinctly describe our operation. Superman’s motto of Truth, Justice, and the American Way seems a little outdated.”

“Outdated like all American politicians. Why is the average age of the United States’ senators room temperature?”

“That’s why there's a third political party emerging: the Geezus Every Elder Zeroes-in-on Embracing Republicans.” 

“Only to be thwarted by their spendthrift enemies, the “Let’s Invest Before Taxes Are Really Depleted.” 

“FART Man, something really stinks.”

“I’m sorry, I had a burrito for lunch. I have a weak pelvic floor.”

“What? Oh, no worries, I’ve smelled worse, but that’s not what I’m talking about. We’ll probably put the Society Housed In Tents Bringing Accounting Greatness Standards out of business. SHITBAGS were fighting the great fight years before we were born.”

“The SHITBAGS? Don’t worry about them, SCAB. They’ve been angling to get out of the business for years. They’ve already bought their Floridian condos’ in The Villages and are sizing up all the four o’clock buffets for their afternoon meals.”

“Say what you want to about the SHITBAGS, but they get stuff done. SHITBAGS are the first in line to point out problems the next generation faces.”

“But those problems are primarily due to SHITBAGS self-centered behavior. They’re quite a voting block. It’s as if their community golf carts only drive between the ballot box, Bingo parlors, and whatever street corner they want to hold up inarticulate signs and scream at cars.”

“What are they protesting these days?”

“Anything they feel is worthy of their own superhero group….”

“You don’t mean…”

“Yes, the Warriors Of Knit-Picking Everything.”

“Not those people. They put the two greatest insignia companies out of business.”

“You must mean Hero's Emblematic and Super Heroes E-Signs.”

“Yep, they were responsible for the Batman Bat signal, The Famous Superman S, and Wonder Woman's low cut top.”

“Now that H.E. and S.H.E. are gone, what’s left?”

“Therapeutic Hero Emblems Multicultural.”

“T.H.E.M? Are you shitting me?”

“No, that is a job for SHARTMAN. But we do need to help repair our political system. It’s affecting the social system, the justice system, and the metric system…”

“Are we sure we want the headache? I mean, no matter what we do, we still are subject to a government of dementia, by dementia, and for dementia. It might just be hopeless.”

“Is there an alternative to corrupt geriatric politicians and their sycophantic children? Is there anyone or anything that can save humanity?”

“Yes. Hunter.”

“Hunter Biden?”

“No, a hunter-gatherer culture. After the upcoming Biden Recession, we'll go back to a subsistence lifestyle. Shotguns and canned food for everyone!” 

“Well, think of the upside. If there isn’t any money or monetary system for that matter, there won’t be any taxes to pay!”

“So we used our superpowers to defeat the IRS after all.”

“Yes, let this be a lesson to you, little SCAB. Like the federal government, the best action is always inaction.”