It appeared after a strong flash. An innocent baby still touched the skull. A Ouija board, many candles, a drop of blood, the eye of a calf, a common room. The three-legged monster with an elongated smile immediately knew that this kind of opportunity did not come often. Carelessly, someone had left a portal open to the earthly world and now, a little crawling human looked up at him from below with enormous curiosity.
With smooth brown skin and large greenish eyes, the beautiful baby seemed interested in the tall ears and red eyes of the sinister visitor; who could do nothing but smile and display his pointed teeth. But when the monstrous being was fully illuminated by the candles, the baby fell silent and his eyes began to fill with tears, but before they could spill, the monster stopped and put on the friendliest face his ugliness allowed. The tiniest human creature laughed. The monstrous one continued to widen his eyes with tenderness to gain his trust. As he approached step by step, he thought that perhaps his witch sister or another relative had carelessly left the portal open, and the baby had crawled in unknowingly to its horrifying destiny. Now, after 200 years, he could try such a magnificent morsel again. His stomach growled eagerly; saliva gathered between his teeth until it dribbled from the corner of his mouth. The little one, seeing the sticky liquid running down his pointed chin, responded with a hearty laugh.
He had to hurry, lest someone enter or remember that they had left the baby alone in the room, or worse yet, that the adorable child would start to scream and give the alert. Humans tend to care for their offspring 24 hours a day; this was a one-in-a-million opportunity. So, he crouched down to become even friendlier with his dinner. The monster kid approached carefully. As he sharpened his teeth with his tongue and kept his mouth tightly closed so his haste wouldn't be noticeable, he then spoke a simple invocation. Instantly, a buzzing plush bee materialized, singing a lullaby. The mesmerized child turned his head, following the toy, and like an unattainable carrot, the little one began to crawl towards it.
The sinister being extended a black claw gently to take him, to squeeze his delicate blood. The plush toy continued to buzz cheerfully; the little one kept his gaze fixed, getting closer. The claw moved another centimeter, when it was about to strike at his victim, the baby opened his mouth and bit off his finger. The underworldly being screamed in horror and pain. What was happening? No one could suck a piece of his ethereal body, unless of course... and as the baby continued to chew, swallow, and spit out the nail remnants; the monstrous one took a step back, seeming to shrink. And it was there that he noticed the strangeness of the room he was in. The window was painted on the wall, the wardrobe was a cardboard box, the ceiling was very high and made of stone, there was a simple single bed and, of course, no crib where the adorable creature could sleep. It was at that moment that he realized the trap. A terror ran through the monster, he thought that there were no humans of his kind left, but the reality was different: he had fallen into a family of monster-eaters.
And trying to touch the skull to activate the return portal, the tiny beast baby approached crawling, hoping for an extra piece of him. The underworldly being was terrified and searched for the portal to return to his domains, but just as he was invoking the magic words, the sister appeared from under the bed with an old saucepan. The sinister being's non-blood froze in terror, so he retreated into the closet, only to discover that the mother was lurking with a cursed jade doll to prevent his escape. Cornered in a corner, he prayed to avoid his fatal fate. But the baby seemed the worst, crawling and drooling without understanding anything at all, only savoring his instinct; an insatiable stomach that raced at full speed. By the time the child was about to reach him, the sister opened the sister opened the magic saucepan and sucked the monstrous being in an instant flash. The terrifying scream of the monster could be heard as the lid closed, causing the baby to start screaming.
The mother, skilled in these situations, approached to sing him a lullaby and congratulated him on his feat of catching dinner. There was no way to explain to him that he should share the prey with the other family members, but it was the rule, everyone had participated in the trap and deserved a share of the feast. However, the predictable tantrum erupted with full force. The mother held her offspring in her arms, giving him all the love she could, while the sister turned on the light in the crypt where the spurious room was set up. Then she extinguished the candles to close the portal, put away the Ouija board, and returned the calf's eye to its formaldehyde jar. She moved the fake cardboard door covering the bars and removed the padlock.
Outside, it was still early morning in the mausoleum. The tombs barely showed their crosses, the dome of the crypt gleamed with bright moonlight. They navigated through the tombstones of so many wretched souls lying there, and with wide smiles, they leaped in triumph. Even the owls grew restless at the trapped growls emanating from the pot and the ceaseless cries of the baby.
They headed to the car, which turned on its headlights. Inside, dad was waiting for them, immediately hugging them for another successful night of hunting. How proud he was, and how proud the grandmother would feel if she saw them; she surely watched with satisfaction from beyond. Especially the smallest member, who continued to cry fiercely for another bite. There was no doubt that the little angel had a bright future in the family.
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Hello, my name is Carl and I'm part of Reedsy Critique Circle for this week and am here to give you some feedback so you can continue to write and improve your craft.
Firstly, I like the concept and I do think you have some clear skill with writing. Your sentences were fairly well paced, which is a lot harder than people think and you do have good handle on tone. Your prose could use some work and but you do have several examples of where you pull off a really solid sentence and prove your potential as a wordsmith. My favorite example: "But the baby seemed the worst, crawling and drooling without understanding anything at all, only savoring his instinct; an insatiable stomach that raced at full speed."
I do think this sentence can be simplified, however, the way you describe the baby as "an insatiable stomach that raced at full speed" painted your picture in a vivid yet efficient way, the way any good wordsmith should.
However, I have some criticisms.
So, this story certainly needed another draft. I find several common mistakes that I make when writing my first couple of drafts and even things I've found in later. Such as phrases repeating themselves (ex. "the sister opened the sister opened the magic saucepan"), clunky uses of repeated phrases that actually take away from the sentence (ex. "cornered in a corner...or fatal fate.), and even some spelling and grammar errors. I think a couple of more looks could have fixed these issues.
Next time you find words repeating like the second example, "cornered in a corner", try to replace one of the words with a similar word that conveys the same thing.
And, I'm not sure, but you may have accidentally given away the plot twist by referring to the baby as a "monster baby" before it bit off the monster's finger.
That's alright, these are mistakes we all make and are only aware of them because someone else had to rip our manuscripts apart. A few other things before I close out. Your paragraphs need some work. Paragraphs, in their own way, are subject based. If the subject has shifted, we are now in a new paragraph. There are large pieces of information dumped that describe so many different subjects that it would have benefited to rework some of it and make use of transitional sentences for not just grammatical correctness, but also to build effective tension, sort of stretch it out a bit in bite sized chunks to keep the reader going.
And the POV switch was jarring, so much so that it brought me out of the story and I had to read the sentence again. When the monster goes into the sauce pan and it shifts to the family's perspective, it just made me confused. I was thinking, "Wait, can he see them from the inside of the pan?" It was just a little jarring.
Overall, like I said, you've got potential and some understanding of what makes good pros. Keep practicing and honing your craft, man. God bless.
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Thank you very much for your feedback. It inspires me to keep writing more and more. Certainly, my biggest issue is that I don't have full command of the English language. I write in Spanish and then translate it. I still struggle to express in English what I say in Spanish. Reedsy is a platform I love, it's just that for me the challenge is to write it in a language I don't fully master. I greatly appreciate the time you took to give me this feedback. Hug.
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