A Disappointing Dream of Sight

As she wanders throughout the new house she runs her hand against the wall. Feeling every crack, bump and rip in the wallpaper. Since she lost her sight, she has relied on her fingers to show her the way. At her age she should be with her friends wreaking havoc down the streets of her old town, but her parents thought she could use a restart. They feared bullies and discrimination due to her new found difference. 

She began to lean on her hand more thinking this hall would last forever but then there was a sudden dip and she tripped and fell to the ground into a dark room although she wouldn’t have been able to see it. She sniffled and crawled around to find another wall. She felt around and found the light switch and flicked it up hoping she’d be able to see the light, but she was quickly disappointed. Warm tears slid down her face as she tried to rub them away with her fists. Eventually she calmed down, she had to get used to what she referred to as “The Dark Disappointment”, which was the destruction of every time she hoped to see her parents' smiling face against the blue sky or the grass embedded in the dirt as she danced under the sprinkler. She would hate to admit it but she misses it, just as much as she misses her old home filled with the sound of laughter and the smell of fresh baked goods that tasted like infinite happiness. And just before she lost her sight she was going to be an artist and spread her perception of the world to everyone, but the accident quickly shattered her dreams. She had lost more than just her sight, she had lost herself.

She felt around the room and felt the four corners and all of the walls but no entrance from where she fell. She was trapped! She hated that she couldn’t look around and see where she was and the colors and maybe even find a clue. She hated herself for this and that she was the one who created this disaster. She slid with her back to the wall down to the floor, and wept for her loss. She wept for the guilt that her parents felt but wouldn’t show, she wept for her friends that she knew missed her, she wept because she made a mistake that changed everything and she wept because every one pitied her and made her feel so little. 

She curled into herself as much as possible and buried her face into her legs and tipped over onto her side shaking with sadness, guilt and anger. She didn’t want anyone’s pity and she didn’t want to restart. She missed the infinite happiness cookies and the sound of her friends’ laughter in that house that smelled like a bakery. With her heavy heart that was once was light she missed it all and wept for all that she had ruined. She cried out in agony from the pain she had caused herself. Then she slowly but surely cried herself to sleep in that empty room that she couldn’t see. 

“Hey, hold it still will ya?” She joked as she stood on top of the ladder. 

“Okay, just be careful!” one of her closest friends called out. She laughed and joked that careful was her middle name. She hummed to the radio in the background as she fixed the lightbulb into place. It shone so brightly but when her friend lost grip of the ladder she hit her head against it. It shattered and she closed her eyes but held onto the ladder and the shards flew onto her face. She screamed in pain and released her grip on the ladder and her friend ran to get help. She writhed on the ground as blood ran down her face from her eyes. A couple minutes later an ambulance came and was taken to the hospital. The doctors put her in surgery and her eyes were removed before the chemical in lightbulb could spread and make things worse. She didn’t blame her friend, she blamed herself for marveling at it for too long. She thought it was her fault.

She woke up and sat up slowly sniffing and using the wall to stand. She took a deep breath and was relaxed and although she couldn’t see, she noticed that it wasn’t her fault, nor was it her friend’s nor anyone else’s. It was an accident that she had no control over. She knew she would be okay. She had lost the guilt and anger toward herself although she felt sad, she was all that disappointed anymore. 

I sat up in a cold sweat and breathing slowly. I rub my eyes and look around my room and see the sun shining through the blinds and the random clothes scattered across the floor and my canvas on the easel with my sketch ready to be painted.  I sigh relieved that it was all just a crazy dream and I didn’t move and I’m fine. I jump out of bed and as soon as my feet hit the ground…

I woke up. Unable to see once more and my hope is all gone and I’m filled with the sense of The Dark Disappointment. I hate dreams for all they do is screw up my reality. At night the hardest part for me is sleeping and accepting the dreams that plague me more like nightmares. This disaster I’ve become was a mistake and karma for something I’ve done in my past life. 

My friends tell me that I’m lucky because I don’t have to deal with the sunlight in my eyes, or being afraid of the dark. I’ve always been blind my entire life and I hate it. My parents have always been helpful but I don’t want their pity anymore. I can’t see it but I hear the whispers and can imagine their sorry eyes. I just wish I could’ve been a better child.