Bad Turkey

Every year it is the same stupid thing. Being a teenage boy in a happy-go-lucky family that goes ga ga for the holidays really sucks. Most of my time I want to be left alone with my video games, but once again it is that time of year. Mom is decorating the house, dad went and got a real Christmas tree, my sister is decorating the tree and here I am waiting for it to be over. What’s worse is that we have this super annoying aunt, who thinks that she can cook like a master chef and she always insists on cooking a turkey for Christmas. The bad thing is, not only do I personally despise turkey, but she always overcooks it. Dry to the bone and my family always pretends that it tastes good. There was a time when my parents would try and weasel out of the driest turkey on Earth, but at some point they just gave up. My aunt has a psychotic personality who takes offense to everything so to avoid family drama they just let her have her way. I also hate that Christmas music. People who think they can sing scream carols everywhere, people laughing about the idea of some fat creep who sneaks into your house at night. Magical reindeer. It’s all ridiculous! 

This year I had finally had enough and was trying to look for an escape. If I could get stuck in a coma it would be better than the same old crap each Christmas. Bad music, bad food, and annoying holiday spirit. I started cooking up ideas at the beginning of December, but here I was a week away and I was frustrated. I tried to get myself sick with cold showers and going outside, didn’t work. Tried to make other plans with friends, parents won’t let me. My only other choice would be to literally die or something and I didn’t want to do that. I even got desperate enough to ask my sister for advice.

“Dude, Christmas is not that bad. You are being such a baby.” She was decorating the hallway with string lights, but she stopped to look at me. “Don’t get me wrong, Aunt Mary makes the worst turkey ever but mom and dad don’t have the guts to make her stop.” Stuff I already knew. I was about to just retreat to my room and consider looking up “how to put yourself into a coma.” My sister then put the lights down and was thinking about something. When she concentrated she always twitched her nose a little. “Maybe we should just go ahead and cook a turkey ourselves.” I shook my head. “Mom and dad said no to that remember?” “Yeah but, if we make one that is good enough, maybe we can try and make Aunt Mary try it and it’ll be better this time. If she likes it enough herself, maybe she will change her mind. Or at least want the recipe.” I didn’t like that much work at first, but I thought that maybe it was our best shot. “Maybe we should ask mom and dad still.” My sister shook her head. “I would say do it in secret and force it on Aunt Mary when she showed up, but there’s no way we could use the oven and not get caught.” I thought about it and snapped my fingers. “Let’s just go buy one and when Aunt Mary gets here, we lie and say we cooked it. That way we could hide it until Aunt Mary is here and then pop it on mom and dad as a surprise!” My sister laughed a little. “Even if this doesn’t work, I can still see mom and dad’s faces when they see you walk out with a “fresh” turkey.” This made me laugh too, but if Aunt Mary would buy it, then maybe her turkeys could be long gone. 

My parents gave my sister and I allowances for chores and cleaning our rooms, so I had mine saved up from each day and we both spent it on a fresh turkey at the market. We lied to mom and dad about hanging out with some friends and it was Christmas eve before we knew it. Now with a fresh turkey hiding in my bedroom, it was game time. Aunt Mary and Uncle Dan came over, everything else was cooked and ready and I was the only one who wasn’t at the table yet. I put on my brave face, grabbed the turkey, and decided to take the different doorway straight to the kitchen, so I could emerge with my prize. I wanted to be quick about it too, to pop it in on everyone. I suddenly started getting cold feet and that was when my sister came into the kitchen. She gave me a look and whispered. “Well? Don’t chicken out now. Did you put the extra seasoning I told you?” I nodded. We had also bought a shaker of MSG, which people say makes food taste better. We were hoping it would convince Aunt Mary. My sister steps out before me and I wait about a minute. I take a deep breath and walk into the dining room. 

“Surprise!” Everyone was instantly looking at me, mom and dad in curiosity and my sister laughing into her hand quietly. Aunt Mary and Uncle Dan looked surprised but Aunt Mary’s eyes made their way to what I was holding. Before her expression could change, and before anyone spoke, I quickly continued my speech. 

“Sorry for this so suddenly, but I made a turkey of my own this time that I wanted everyone to try! I know I’m still new at this but, I want you guys to try this and let me know what you think. I think being a chef might be my calling in life.” I tried to be chipper and my aunt and uncle looked surprised for sure. Mom and dad did not look happy, but questioningly looked at the turkey, now unwrapped on the table. Uncle Dan spoke up first. “Well I didn’t know you wanted to be a chef. I think it’s a great thing to be for a career.” Uncle Dan carved both turkeys and did help plate for everyone, putting some of mine on Aunt Mary’s plate. She eye balled it at first, and I could tell she wasn’t wanting to be rude. I anticipated everyone taking a bite and the reaction I got was a good one. Even mom and dad looked shocked. Aunt Mary was actually the first one to speak.

“I’m so glad we have a chef in the family! Cooking this turkey every year was fun before, but it’s so much work on my back. I’m just not as young as I used to be. How about you make this one for us every year honey?” I smiled at her and said sure thing. 

After dinner, Aunt Mary and Uncle Dan went back to their house and mom and dad pulled my sister and I into the living room. “What was that? You could have upset her and made her start so much drama in this family!” My sister stood up for me immediately. “We all know how much her turkey sucks! We came up with this hoping she would like it and put it off one someone else! I think a thank you is in order?” Dad looked at mom and their expressions softened. They then looked at me and mom spoke. “Can you really cook that well dear? That was a good turkey.” With that my sister and I busted out laughing and told them the entire plan. Mom and dad laughed too, and could not believe that some MSG and a grocery store pre-made turkey was enough to stop the horrible turkey tradition of Christmas. After that year, we had a bit more fun with Christmas and I started the new tradition of a pre-made turkey and some simple spices added to it. After a while, I realized that I really did like cooking and figured that one year, I would make a recipe of my own.