You Earned It

Welcome to the reading of my last will and testament. If you have been invited by my pre-determined list, then you are in the right place. I know that since my passing, you have all been wondering where I have hidden all my wealth and riches. You have seen my clothing, you know where I dine, you are aware of my friendships, connections and my general lifestyle. In the eyes of the public, I appear to be a well-to-do, moderately wealthy businessperson with money to burn. I have made many promises that if I pre-deceased any of you fine folks in this room, I would be sure to leave something significant for everyone closest to me. 

Well, the time has come, so hold onto your hats if you are wearing them, I am about to blow your minds.

To my eldest sister Grace, you will receive by parcel delivery a box full of something I felt that was suitable for your station in our family. You were always a taker and never gave back. You are an egotistical sack of greed and hate. I hope that karma finds you and makes you pay for every time you pinched cash from my safe, lied to the bank that you were my wife and stole all of my savings from my safety deposit box (I have proof, it’s in the box, hint, hint). May you burn in hell for all eternity (see you there).

To the second born of the family, my brother Kent, you will also receive by parcel delivery your special box full of something I chose for you. Your wife Tamara has already been informed by the detective I hired to follow you while I found out that you were being unfaithful with not one, but seven different women over the course of your twenty year marriage. Copies of all the photos, documents and interviews from each of his mistresses are included in your package. P.S. you can burn the pictures, shred them, whatever you want, Tammy already has her copies and so does her divorce attorney. (I know there is a special place for you, extra toasty for unfaithful husbands, you dog).  

To my niece and nephew, Sasha and Alfred, Grace’s children, two envelopes were mailed to your addresses with a special message written to each of you. Since you both cleaned me out of my cash, credit cards and the travelers checks that were tucked in the inside of my coat pocket, I think you should both be satisfied. While I was in the hospital and your mother brought you both to visit me a week before I passed, you both thought I was in a coma. Guess what, joke was on you! I watched Sasha search my coat and pants pockets in the closet in my sick room and I watched Alfred clean out my wallet. And you both thought you were so clever? Inside each envelop you will find a wonderful, photocopied picture I hope you will both frame to remember your Uncle by. My middle finger displayed in the most loving way possible. Cherish them forever. I may not be able to speak to you with words, but that picture will convey my feelings for you every time you gaze upon it.

To my best friend Stanley Harrison, you old so and so. We have known each other since our elementary school days. We were wild. What I am gifting you, you have already received in generous amounts. My wife Candace and I stopped being intimate after the unfortunate miscarriage of our only daughter early on in the pregnancy. Sadly, Candy decided that continuing on our path of intimacy would bring nothing but sadness and loss; she decided that we would not delve into that subject and we would live in celibacy focusing on our friendship, companionship and our mutual love for each other. She also had a raging case of herpes, Chlamydia and syphilis. I think you have all that was expected to come to you my friend in great abundance.  

To Andrea Cummings, Daniel Herbert, Felicia Rogers and Anson Madison, all of my faithful officers of my highly successful and lucrative company, you have all served so well and served yourselves. I know for a fact (you’ll be receiving photographic evidence in the shape of your very own USB zip drives on decorative key fobs) that each and everyone one of you have padded your pockets, accounts and lifestyles with thousands in stole monies over the years. Do not worry, my lawyers have all the paperwork they need to start proceedings in the coming week, I hope you do not plan on any sudden travel plans in the next few days.  You will not find much more to take; I filed Chapter 7, bye bye to my much beloved business.  

To my beloved wife Candace, who are we kidding sugarplum? You have enough to worry about with the sexually transmitted diseases and helping Stanley explain to his wife about how Margery ended up with a plethora of issues with her sexual health. Poor woman, I hope for your and Stanley’s sake that she is an understanding and forgiving woman. Oh, and Candy my love? Other than the hideous embarrassment I planned for you, when you arrive home to our estate this afternoon, you will find the locks have been changed and our security guard Adam Goldman will have the address for the storage facility your clothing and personal items have been sent to.  

At this time I would like to thank you all for coming together today for the reading of my last will and testament, I hope that you found my gifts to be as adequate and deserving. I felt that they were fitting for each one of you. If you are disappointed and are in the mood for acting revenge, please let me inform you now that after you witnessed my body lowered into the ground in a casket for burial, I gave specific instruction to be returned to the mortuary for cremation. You will not find me; I have been moved to an undisclosed location.  

Lastly, I have made immediate arrangements that every dime I have ever earned or save has been donated in my name to a wonderful organization. Thank you again for joining today, and with my final words, I bid you all a fair adieu. Oh, and up yours.