Don't Prank the Baby!

“Gawthoro, go prank humans,” Dad said.

“I’ll do it later.”

”No, you’ll do it, NOW!”

”Alright. I’m goin’!" I flew out my little cottage. It was a warm, cloudy day. Crows soared past me. A plane descended in the distance.

I flew over a neighborhood and lowered. “Let’s see… kids gathering around an ice cream truck… Nah… a balding man coming home from work?... Nah… an old lady bending for her newspaper. That would be entertaining, but…”

Then I saw him! A teenager falling off his skateboard with huge, fat zits cluttering his face.

“This‘ll be good!” I said, perking up I flew over to him, “Hiya, my name’s Gawthoro, and I wanna be your servant.”

Like almost every human who encounters me, he screamed.

“Don’t be scared.”

“Huh?”

“You heard me.”

“OK, I must’ve been roofied.”

“No, I’m real.”

“Why do you wanna be my servant?” he asked, getting back up.

“I like to help people.”

“OK, but won’t it look weird?”

“Only you can see me.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, I have no life. I live under a bridge, eating dirt for nourishment. I bathe in mud. I—“

“OK, OK, you can be my servant.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” I kissed his lavender hiking boots.

“Let’s go in. I guess I’ll show you my room.”

“Alright, master.” I followed him in.

“This is my room.” He opened the door and stepped in.

“I looked around the room. It was exceptionally clean for a

teenager—no stuff on the carpet. Books and DVDs on the shelves, posters of rock

bands scatted the baby blue walls, and a huge Spider-Man quilt covered his bed.

A Far Side calendar hung above his desk, showing a devil cow painting a house

on fire.

“This is my Switch. it’s a video game console.”

“Like Super Nintendo?”

“Yes, so you’re aware of video games?

”Yeah, I used to play Super Mario World in the early 90s.”

“But, you’re small. How did you—”

“I used magic to hack into it and made it sense my hand

movements.”

“Wow! Like an early XBOX Kinect!”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna play?”

“Maybe later.”

“’ Kay…” he said and continued walking around. “That’s my desk, and that’s my tablet.”

“Cool!”

”And this is—”

“DINNER TIME!”

“I gotta go. You can relax here.”

“But, I wanna come with.”

“I’ll be boring.”

“I don’t care.”

“Alright.” He stepped out.

I followed him into the dining room.

“So, how was your day?” a young lady asked, taking the scrunchy out of her brunette hair. She looked at him with her twinkling green eyes.

“Good,” he replied, sitting down.

“Good, my day was good too.” she walked to him and put a red baby bib with a giraffe on him. “Now, who’s a hungry boy.”

“I am.”

She babies him? Oh, this is priceless!

“Eat your yum-yums, dear, so you’ll grow up big and strong!”

He looked down at me, and his cheeks turned red.

I giggled.

“What’s wrong? Do you have to go potty?”

“No, mommy…”

“I know what’s wrong.” She grabbed the spoon. “Here comes the choo-choo train.”

He giggled.

“Yes, that’s it! open wide for Mr. Choo-Choo!”

He opened his mouth, and she put the spoon in.

“Good boy!”

He smiled. “More choo-choo!”

“OK, but you’re gonna have to open your mouth even wider! Can you do that?”

“Yes, Mommy!”

“Chugga-chugga-choo-choo!”

He giggled.

“Good boy!” She put the spoon in as I felt a laugh erupt in my throat. I covered my mouth.

“Want a drinky-winky?”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“OK.” She went to the refrigerator, opened it, and pulled a baby bottle out. Then, she returned to her son. “Open for Mr. Baba!”

He opened his mouth.

“Good boy!”

He started sucking.

“Mr. Baba.” I smirked.

“All done! now, you go watch TV until it’s time for bed!”

“Yes, Mommy, I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie.” She kissed his forehead.

He stood up and walked into the hall.

I followed him.

“Look, my mom just likes treating me that way.”

“It’s cool. I have no problem with that.”

“I roll with it because I love her.”

“That’s nice.”

“Thanks.”

I brainstormed all the hilarious things I could do: Give him a teddy bear that explodes and releases skunk spray when he hugged it, spray cayenne pepper on his bib, trick him into going outside in a onesie… Then, it popped into my head like a goblin hamster that was about to burst. “Oh, yeah! I’m bad!”

“What?”’

“Hmm?”

“I thought you said something.”

“I was just enthusing about how lucky I am to have a great home and a wonderful master.”

“I’m not that wonderful.”

“But, you are.”

“Aw, thank you. Well, I’m gonna go to sleep, now.” He yawned.

“Goodnight.” He clicked his table lamp off.

“Ni-ni,” I whispered.

The sunshine poured in as I stretched my wings. “Time to wake up, little boy!” I grinned, fluttered up to the ceiling, and pounced on his chest. “Good morning!”

“AAAAHHHH!” He fell off his bed.

“Oh, master, are you alright?”

“Yeah…“

“What is it, my master?”

“Never do that again!”

“OK, I won’t. I’m sorry, master! Please don’t fire me and send me back out in the dark, damp—”

“Chill.”

“OK.” A big block of ice enclosed me.

“No, I mean, it’s OK. I’m not gonna fire you.” He was blurry through the ice.

“Oh, could you break me out, please?” I couldn’t feel a thing.

“Uh...” He looked around, and he grabbed something sharp and drove it into the ice. Then pulled it out, and he pierced the ice again. The ice Broke, and I felt warm air on my face. He continued chiseling me out.

“Thank you, master.”

“No prob, and can you stop calling me master?”

“What do you want me to call you, sir?”

“By my name.”

“OK, By my name.”

“No… just…”

“OK, Just.”

“He put his hands on his face and sighed. "Call me

Jade."

“OK, Jade."

“Thank you, come on.”

I grinned and followed him in his bathroom.

“You have your own bathroom?”

“Yes, I asked my mommy— er, I mean my mom till she gave in and had it built for me.”

“Cool, I wish I had one.” I followed him in.

“Brush my teeth.”

“OK, sir.” I flew to the toothbrush.

“No, you gotta turn it on first.”

“Sorry, master.” When I pressed the button, the toothbrush buzzed my whole body.

I flew to his mouth and started brushing.

“Wait here, I gotta do something.” I flew into his room and spotted his other pair of shoes in his closet.

I waved my hand, and the cruddy shoes became new. I smirked, waved my hand, and a bucket of green armadillo slime appeared. I chuckled and dumped the whole thing in, “Here are your shoes!” I flew them to him and put them on him.

”What the… YAAAA!” He glared at me.

“I’ll clean you off my, sir!” I said. As I farted, a wooden bucket appeared over his head.

“No, no, no, no, no!” he said.

I belched, tipping the bucket Water poured on his head.

“YAAAAIII!!”

“I’m so sorry, sir! At least you’re clean now.”

He marched to the drawer and opened it. He angrily ruffled through and grabbed a red shirt and shorts. “I’m gonna go change, don’t come in!”

He slammed the door.

I threw myself on his bed and closed my eyes. “Idiot!” I murmured and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes and saw something brown sticking out of the blue box. Well, Well, well, what do we have here? I flew over and peeked in.

A brown stuffed bunny stared at me with happy blue eyes. I closed the box and fluttered back onto his bed.

He came out and looked at the atomic wall clock. “Now, I’m late.”

“You have should’ve woken up earlier, sir.”

“I’ll skip breakfast.”

”What’s your mom gonna say?”

“She’s at work.”

“At seven-fifty, sir?”

“Well, she’s driving to work.”

“Oh.”

"Yeah. I’ll be fine and don’t you ever pour cold water on me again!”

“But, your feet, were slimy, sir.”

“And who ‘s fault was that?”

“I was only doing my job. you're going to send me back out under the dirty bridge, where huge cockroaches live! It's OK, I’ll leave, now.”

"No, Gawthoro, I’m not gonna do that.” He sighed.

“Really?”

“Of course not but, try to follow my requests better.”

“OK, sir, I will.”

“Great and call me Jade.”

“I’m not gonna make it. “I’m not gonna make it. “I’m not gonna make it.” Jade rushed through the green and white hall.

“Yes, you will, sir you got seven seconds.” I looked at the digital clock just below the ceiling.

“HEY! NO RUNNING IN THE HALL!” an old woman shouted.

Jade ignored her.

Five

 He passed another classroom.

Four!

“Hey, Jade!” a girl, sitting against the wall called.

Three!

“Where’s your class anyway?” I asked.

Two!

“There!” He sped in when the bell rang.

“One more second, and you would’ve gotten detention,” a lumpy man said and closed the door.

“Sorry, I was delayed.” jade panted and leaned against the wall.

“Just take your seat, Boenononom.”

With a sigh, Jade walked into the middle of the seats and sat down.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked, floating above his head.

“No, now shut up.”

“That’s rude! Do you tell—”

“Hush!”

“OK.”

“Today, we’ll learn the quadratic formula. It helps us solve any quadratic equation."

Jade took notes while the teacher yakked on.

Yuck, I hate math! Looks like I’ll have to spice it up!

Jade scratched his stomach while writing, “Hey, what’s going on?” He scratched some more. He pulled back his collar and peeked in his shirt and screamed. Purple, slimy leeches crawled all over. He jumped up and took his shirt off.

Everyone shrieked as he ripped the bugs off. One stuck to his stomach, he tugged off hard. POP! It was a huge one, and I stepped on it.

“EVERYONE, GET OUT!” the teacher yelled, and the class rushed out.

“YOU DID THIS!”

“Did what?”

“MAGICALLY PLACED FRICKIN LEECHES ON ME!"

“Oh, so just because I’m a magical pixie, I put leeches on you?”

“Well, did you?”

“Yes.”

“WHY!?”

“I wanted a place to keep my pets.”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”

“Yes, their names are Sucky, Bitey, Chewy…”

“Ooeeaa!” He squirmed, then said, “I don’t know where you come from, but leeches aren’t pets!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Give me one more chance!"

”Yeah,, right.”

“Please.”

“No, I’m done with you.”

“I could do your schoolwork for you.”

“Bug off!”

Ha! Bug! I kept my expression solemn. “I could set you up on a date.”

He walked away.

“OH PLEASE OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE!”

“No, and don’t follow me!”

“We’ll see about that,” I muttered, put my hand under my armpit, and slammed the other down. With a FFT, my body disappeared.

“Honey, good news. The school called and got rid of the yucky-wucky bugs. You can go back to school tomorrow!"

“Yay.” Jade rolled his eyes, wearing a Cookie Monster shirt.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Everyone will make fun of me for having those bugs on me.”

“Oh, honey, don’t anyone put you down! Just be yourself!”

“’Kay Mommy.”

Be yourself, eh? I smiled.

“Hey, little boy, are you having a nice dreamy-weamy?”

He snored.

“Super-duper, let me change your widdle clothes," I cooed and I waved my hands over him.

He looked down and cried, “What the Hell?“

“I thought you didn’t want me around?”

“I don’t! YOU PUT A ONESIE ON ME!”

“Someone’s cranky!” and we were in the school hallway.

“No, no, no, no!” He ran to a door and opened it.

“Silly little boy.”

There was the sound of footsteps. Jade scrambled to the nearest door when a black-haired kid turned the corner.

“What the—"

"EEP!” His face turned red.

“Why are you wearing a…”

“Um…”

“Hey, Jade — what the—"

“I- I- I…”

“Priceless,” I whispered.

His eyes darted, his chest heaved.

The kids continued staring.

“Any second now, he will become the joke of the entire school!”

“OK, I’M A BABY!” he screamed. “I like playing with stuffed animals, wearing baby clothes, and being fed by my mommy!”

“So, what?” the red-haired girl said.

“Huh?”

“We don’t care that you are a baby.”

“What?” I blurted out.

“Yeah

 “You’re cool.”

“I am?”

”Yeah!”

“Thanks.”

“Tell us something.”

“What is it?”

“Why are you wearing your onesie?”

“You’re not gonna believe me.”

“What?”

“OH MY, GOD, WHAT IS THAT?” the red-haired girl pointed at me.

She sees me? How?

“He did it!”

“He’s the one who put a onesie on me and teleported me here.”

“It was just a prank,” I said.

And that's how I became a piñata for a six-year-old's party... "NO, DON'T RAISE THOSE STICKS AT ME!"