Quiet Car

                                        Quiet Car

                                                                         John Meiners, Jr.

     “That’s the thing about this city, Bob, we need to come up with something new. We don’t want anyone to walk out saying I heard that before. I saw that already… Remember we were here two months ago and there are a lot of other places to go around Jackson Square.” 

     In the train station people walking around and alongside of Guy, try to decide if he is talking on the phone, you know one of those ear-piece phones or whatever they’re called where the person is walking and talking, and other people think the person is talking to themselves and crazy, and when you say something to them because you think they are talking to you, they look at you like you are crazy. Guy carries Bob, his ventriloquist dummy, and both board a train, then sit in front of a lady quietly reading a book. The train is about to leave the station. 

     The conductor smiles and makes his announcement, “Hello ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the quiet car. Please silence your cell phones as speaking on them is prohibited. Listening to music, if it can be heard by others, is not allowed. Also, if you engage in communicating with another, please speak in a quiet whisper.”   The conductor sits, the lady reads, and the passengers’ heads lunge back and forward as the train chugs and moves down the track. A sense of calm and peaceful serenity fills the car.

     Moments later, Bob slowly rises up in his seat in front of the lady and unseen says, “Hey!”

     The lady drops her book, and screams, “AHHHH.”

     The Conductor jumps up, “Is something wrong?” 

     “That little boy peeked over the seat and startled me,” Lady answers.

     Guy shrugs his shoulders, “I didn’t notice anything.”

     The conductor sees Bob in the seat, and asks, “Is that your dummy?”

     “His name is Bob. I’m a ventriloquist.”

     The conductor nods and tells Lady,  “There’s no little boy, it’s a dummy.”

     “Well, he was looking at me.”

     Please remember, “This is the quiet car.”

     A multitude of dirty looks surround these rogue passengers for their disregard of the quiet car rules. All those seeking peace and quiet hope they will not suffer such an outrage again. 

     Lady picks up book, starts reading. Bob slowly reaches between the seats and grabs book and the lady screams. The Conductor runs over, and the lady says, “He grabbed my book.”

     Guy rolls his eyes, “Miss, I don’t think he’s interested in your book, he doesn’t read.”

     Bob adds, “I look at pictures. Sometimes I read, but he has to look at the words.”

     “Introduce yourself.”

     “I’m Bob, and I’m like Pinocchio. I want to be a real little boy, but alas… I’m not. When I talk, it’s not really me. It’s him”… Bob turns to the Conductor and says, “Please don’t call me Dummy. My name is Bob. Okay, Train guy?”

     The Conductor laughs, “Right, Bob.” He starts back to his seat then notices some disapproving stern stares from passengers and turns back to the law breakers and says, “I would hate to have to move you to another car. Please remember this is the quiet car.” The conductor sits, glad to see approval from other passengers for his disciplinary actions.

     Bob asks Lady, “What are you reading?”

     “None of your business.”

     “Would you read to me?”

     “Don’t hold your breath… Sorry, forgot you don’t breathe.”

     “That was cold,” Bob says.

     Guy tells Bob, “Maybe she’s had a hard day.”

     “Did you have a hard day?”

     “I didn’t… before I met you.”

     Bob tells Guy, “She’s harsh.”…

     The word ‘SSSSH’ now has been heard too many times to count by countless passengers. No doubt a new world record was set which should now be in the Guinness Book of  World Records for ‘SSSSH’s’ said in a minute, but the ‘SSSSH’s’ were so fast and furious, there was no way to count them all.

    Lady shakes her head annoyed, opens book and begins to read while in front of her, Bob slowly peeks over the seat. Lady senses Bob’s presence but doesn’t see him and looks up quickly as he darts down. She puts her face up against the back of Bob’s seat, and as Bob slowly comes up again, he is nose to nose with the Lady. Bob screams, “AHHHHHHHH.”

     The Conductor runs up, “What Happened Now?”

     Bob says, “She scared me.”

     “I’m trying to work on my act, and I caught her out of the corner of my eye. She had her face up against the back of Bob’s seat.”

     “Your dummy started it.”

     “It’s Bob, and you were looking at me with spooky eyes.”

      “You can’t be scared. You’re not real. You’re a dummy.”

      “If I’m not real. Why are you talking to me?”

      “My name is Bob.” He addresses the Conductor, “Tell her my name is Bob.”

      “His name is Bob”

      The Lady frustrated asks, “Is this the quiet car or the CRAZY CAR?”…

      Bob tells Guy, “Write that down. We’ll tell everyone tonight we rode in on the CRAZY CAR.” Bob stares at the Lady and says, “With the CRAZY LADY.”

      The passengers laugh at the ‘Crazy Lady’ comment.

      Guy laughs and says, “Funny!  I like it,” then writes it down.

      Lady points at Bob, “Look out! Your nose.”

      “What about my nose? Nothing is wrong with my nose.”

      “Run for your life. Quick, RUN.”

     “She’s nuts.”

     “It’s like a pointy sword and growing.”

     “Bob, she’s talking about your nose,” Guy says laughing.  “It’s growing like Pinocchio because you are a liar.”

     Bob tells the Lady, “That’s very hurtful.”    

     “But funny.” Guy writes.

     “Whose side are you on? “Pinocchio is an epic tale, worthy of respect,” Bob says.

     “You two are certifiable.”

     “You just admitted my existence.” Bob laughs.

     Lady snaps, “Mosquitos and other annoying insects exist.”

     Guy says, “Would you consider being in our show?”

     “Show? I’m not interested.”

     “Why… do we need someone to heckle us?” Bob asks.

     “I like your comebacks. We could do a little quiet car shtick on stage.” 

     “I’ve heard some lame pick-up lines… But…”

     “You have?” Bob interrupts. “When? I thought the only pick-up line a guy ever needed with you was, “Hello.”

     “Hear me out.  I’ve been working on some new material and with you, it’ll work. We have a show at Theatre Comedie.

     In disbelief the lady asks, “You mean I’ve been auditioning and didn’t know it?”

     “Look at it this way. You are so good, you got the part without trying.”

     Bob tells Guy, “You are a smooth talking devil.”

     “How much?” The Lady asks.

     “How about… 100.00 dollars. If they like us it’ll be more.”

     The Lady ponders, nods, “Okay.”

     Bob asks her, “What is your name?

     “Marion Ne…”

     “Bob quickly in melancholy mode says, “I had a girlfriend named Marion once… Marion Nette. She really knew how to pull my strings.”

     “My name is, Nelson… Marion Nelson. I bet you’d be good playing a Mime.”

     “Well, SHUT MY MOUTH,” A sarcastic Bob says.

     Guy writes and says, “Let’s have dinner and go over lines. Show will start at nine.”

     Bob gives Lady his most intense look, says, “And you’d better stay on script…and don’t step on my lines.”

                                                                                The End