Beyond Help

“Gin? Ginny?”  

The sound of glass crunching together made Sarah pause, the front door only half-open. Then, the smell hit her. It was almost unbearable, but human curiosity kept her going. Perhaps it was the inevitable guilt that she’d have walked away if something bad had happened. Perhaps it was the fear that she’d find something at all... but whatever it was, she pushed the door open fully and stepped inside, wrapping her scarf around her face. The glass at her feet was a shattered gin bottle. It must have taken some force to shatter that... she shook her head and closed the door.  

The interior was dark, chinks of light shining through the curtains illuminating only a small section of the living room. The smell was the worst part of it. A tangy mixture of alcohol and pee and sweat and something rotting. The rotting undertone scared Sarah the most, but she kept creeping through the house. She didn’t want to turn the lights on, so she moved to the curtains instead.  

“JENNIFER?!” she cried, fear trembling in her voice. No reply. She opened the curtains and then the window. The fresh air was heavenly after the stale, stagnant air within. Sarah turned around. The entire place was disgusting. Bottles and cans littered the floor. Unidentifiable stains coated the six-month-old sofa which was still on her credit. The coffee table was a disgusting mixture of cigarette butts, ash, sticky patches, rotting mouldy food, and empty glasses where the party had evidently started however many nights before. Random patches of some dark liquid covered the floor, too, and – to Sarah’s absolute horror – a needle and spoon sat perched on the arm of the sofa with what looked like chunks of rock salt resting in it.  

Sarah covered her mouth again and stepped through the mire. This was once upsetting, heartbreaking... but now, it disgusted her. She thought about shouting again, but the idea of taking in a full breath of this stench was too much. She pushed the door to the dining room open, and was met with the same mess as the living room: piles of laundry coated with dust they’d been there for so long, mouldy take-away containers, cat poo in the corner (and Ginny didn’t even HAVE a cat), the same partial light from the closed curtains... Sarah ignored the rest. She moved to the kitchen, expecting to see her sister there, slumped over an empty bottle of wine with a long-abandoned glass to her side, her dead phone in her hand. But the kitchen, bizarrely, was clean in comparison to the rest of the house. Bottles of alcohol lined the place, some empty, some half-empty, others unopened. There was a thick coating of grime covering the cooker, and the sink was full of dishes, some of them cracked. The small bathroom at the back of the house was also empty, and as grimy as the kitchen – black mould flourished in the unclean corners.  

It was clear that her sister was nowhere downstairs. So engrossed was she in the dirt of the place, Sarah didn’t hear the soft steps of Ginny as she staggered up from the corner of the dining room. Sarah hadn’t seen her.  

“You came,” Ginny groaned, leaning against the doorframe. “Took you long enough, didn’t it?”  

Sarah turned and let out a small scream. Ginny looked worse than ever. “I - where were you?!” was all Sarah could manage.  

“There,” Ginny murmured. She shoved past Sarah and made for the fridge, her legs stiff. She looked like a reanimated corpse. She opened the door and pulled out a bottle of congealed milk, which – to Sarah’s disgust – she didn’t even notice was off. “Tea?” 

“No, thank you.” Sarah folded her arms. “I... dare I ask?” 

“Ask what?”  

“What the fuck, Jennifer?! This? This is what you’ve been doing?! Again?!”  

“Don’t start, Ser,” Ginny murmured. “I’m not in the mood.”  

“You’re not in the mood?!” Sarah ran a hand through her hair. She’d dropped the scarf from her mouth now; her nose had gone blind to the smell. “How the fuck do you think we all feel?! Do you have any idea how stressful it is when you disappear?!” 

“Here we go again,” Ginny growled, shaking her head. She’d managed to put the kettle on to boil, although it wasn’t really full at all and started boiling the dregs almost instantly. “I’m fine, Ser. I’m fine.” 

“I don’t FUCKING CARE HOW YOU ARE!” Tears pricked Sarah’s eyes and started to fall. It was hard to control her emotions this time. She felt used. Hurt. Angry. Upset. “I - Do we mean nothing to you? Me and mum? Are we just jokes to you?!”  

“What’s that supposed to mean?” As the kettle clicked off, Ginny struggled to lift it. Sarah grabbed her arm and pulled her round to face her.  

“You know damn well what it’s supposed to mean. Mum’s been worried sick about you. Five days and not a word to your AA mentor?! I can’t keep doing this, Gin! I can’t keep driving two hours here just to make sure you’re alive!”  

“Oh, you can’t drag yourself away from your perfect little life?!” Ginny snatched her arm back and unscrewed the lid off the milk. The ripe smell hit Sarah and she baulked.  

“For God’s sake don’t use that!” she hissed, taking the milk away. “Do you see how you’re living? Really?”  

“Yeah, sorry it’s not perfect suburbia!” Ginny spat back. “Miss Perfect, with her perfect grades and her perfect life and her perfect family! Mum always preferred you!” 

“Then you forget what it was like growing up with a sister who constantly made mum’s life hell,” Sarah said quietly. “I’ve done everything I can to help you since the day I could walk and talk. It was always all about you, Ginny. It was always whatever you wanted.” Sarah found herself laughing. “I helped you in school, I got you out of trouble. I solved your bullying problem because you wouldn’t ask for help by yourself. When you started talking to that man online, I stopped you from getting raped when you went to meet him and he turned out to be a leader of some sick ring! I got you job after job after job! I’ve paid your rent when you’ve had nothing, and I’ve paid your bills because apparently you value chasing the bottom of a bottle than you do paying your way!” Ginny said nothing. She leaned against the countertop and hung her head. Her lank, greasy hair covered her face.  

“We’ve helped you get sober five times, Gin! We’ve covered the cost of that! Mum used her pension up for the past three months and she can’t even eat anymore! How many times have I cleaned this place for you?! How many times have I had to remove the shit from your life so you can promise us a fresh start?! A new you?! You keep running away from us, only for us to need to come running to you so we can dig you up out of the shit you get yourself into. When are you going to open your eyes and see you need the help you keep aking for and we keep getting for you?!” 

“I never asked for your help!” Ginny hissed.  

“YES, YOU HAVE!” Sarah cried. “YOU ASKED ME TO COME TODAY! Every other month you ask for money! You ask for help so often! Take me to AA! Take me to the doctor! Oh, sorry to bother you Ser but I think I’ve taken an overdose and I need to go to hospital! How is any of that not asking us for help?!” No response. Sarah felt sick. “I have a family, Ginny! After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?! You went off the rails when dad died and this is the thanks we get for helping you through that?! Where were you when your nephew was born, actually?!” 

“Did you even invite me?!” 

“I didn’t need to invite you! You’re his auntie! I told you when he was born and you didn’t say a fucking word! Probably because you were too busy destroying another AA group, because it’s not enough for you to destroy your own life! No, you have to bring everyone else around you down, too! And then you’ll move house, you’ll find another way to get something for nothing, and you’ll start the cycle right over again! You have no standards! No shame! No idea how it feels when people reach out to poor homeless Ginny and get her the help she makes them think she wants and needs!”  

“And?! No-one really gives a damn!” 

“We do, Ginny! We do care! We all care!” Sarah palmed her face, wet with tears. “I thought I was going to walk in and find you dead today. I called Tyson from AA, but he hadn’t heard from you for five days. The neighbour outside said she hadn’t seen or heard you for a week. She was about to call the police, from the smell.” That seemed to get a reaction.  

“N-no – not the police,” Ginny whispered. For a moment she was scared, but then her defiance came back. 

“Yeah. I figured you wouldn’t have wanted that. Seeing as you’re now apparently using again.”  

“So what if I am?” 

“You were clean.” 

“Yeah. Was. Life’s a bit shit though isn’t it? So what if I want to have a bit of fun while you’re off popping kids out and living the life of Riley, I’m here having my own fun.” 

“Right. At the detriment of your mother’s finances, my finances, and our collective stress.” Sarah shook her head. “I’m not cleaning this place up for you, Jennifer. I’m not digging you out of it now. Not this time.” 

“Jennifer, now, is it?” 

“Yeah, it is. Because Ginny was my lovely older sister who was funny and loved life and didn’t let anything get her down. But I can see that Ginny’s gone, now.” Sarah sniffed as her tears fell. “I’m not doing it again. I can’t. I love you, Jennifer, but I can’t do this anymore. I spent fifteen years after dad died helping you through it. Mum and I both did. Paying out and taking you wherever you needed to go, only for you to lie, and steal from good people! But you don’t care... I can see that now. You’re happy like this, aren’t you?” Ginny thought for a moment, and then lifted her head.  

“You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I am.” She reached into the pocket of the crusty cardigan she wore, and pulled out a new packet of cigarettes. It didn’t take a stretch of the imagination with Ginny to understand that she’d put her benefits towards those and the fresh bottles of spirits, rather than food and her rent. Sarah looked around the kitchen again. Stacks of bills lined the place. Last notices about her utilities. It occurred to Sarah to test the taps, and indeed no water came from them. The electricity was still on, but the gas? She tried that too, turning the knobs on the cooker. Nothing. “What are you doing?” 

“You haven’t paid a bill in a while, have you?” 

“Robbing bastards wanted fifty quid,” Ginny muttered. She lit up a cigarette with shaking hands and took a deep drag. “I haven’t got fifty quid.” 

“How much have you got?”  

“Well, since you’re here, I was going to ask if you could lend us a hundred.” Sarah stared at her. “You claim to love me and want to help me. So, help me out.” 

“You... are incredible.” Sarah gestured to the bottles. “How much did all that cost you?!”  

“I don’t know... hundred...?” Ginny shrugged. “Seventy?” Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose.  

“That’s your problem,” she whispered. “You never could prioritise... and this is where it’s got you... I can’t help you, Jennifer. You’re beyond it. You know where the local meetings are. But... but there’s nothing else I can do for you. And I only wish I could. I’m sorry.” 

“So, you should be,” Ginny muttered.  

“Don’t... don’t call me, Jennifer. When it gets hard again. Don’t call me. I won’t be here this time. I can’t be. I can’t walk in on you, dead. It’s bad enough walking in on you covered in your own filth and God knows who else’s.” Sarah took one last look at her sister, and turned away.  

“So that’s it? You come here to verbally attack me, and then you don’t even bother to help me?!” Ginny grew angry. “I want help, Ser! I need help! Is that what you want to hear?! Is that why you’re walking away now?!”  

“Take care, Jennifer.” Sarah stepped through the mire, through the mess, and hauled the front door open. The fresh air was welcome, but Ginny was still hurling insults at her. She paused at the door, Ginny’s demonic screams pulling at her. If this was the last time she saw her sister, could she live with the guilt? A wine bottle smashed against the door just behind her head, and another bottle hit her back, but didn’t smash. She didn’t hesitate further. She stepped out of the house and left the door open.