Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?

Caution: Not intended as a horror story though circumstances may be horrible.

Circa: 1963

Conveyance: Puke-green V-8 Oldsmobile sized more like yacht rather that roller coaster; built before seat belts were ever discovered or children's safety devices were devised. Still questionable whether it would hold all the proposed cargo.

Occupants: 6 children ages 5-15 including two 'big girls',Thelma 'n Bette; Bruce, aka 'Bruiser', 'the little ones' Robert, aka 'Chopper' (something cute he said when he was two) and Debbie; plus one extremely intelligent and charming middle daughter, Mary, currently sporting snot-green glasses frames and swollen purple and yellow nose (refer to 'Public Speaking in Fuzzy Bedroom Slippers' Reedsy entry #205); one over-wrought Dad, aka 'Hon', more concerned with listening to his favorite baseball team, Cardinals, once again after living a year in Cubs Country; one much over-worked Mom, aka 'Dear', who spent three days packing every conceivable need for six kids and one sometimes grumpy husband for a six-hour trip and three day stay at Grandma's two-bedroom house. (No Micky-D's in every town, either.)

Projectory: Southbound three hundred miles slicing through center of Illinois on US Route 51 before interstate system fully developed. Only one of former truck-driving Dad's many exploratory routes he chose to treat his family to during these horrendous trips over the years.

“Mo-O-o-m, Bruce is kicking me again.”

“Bruce, please don't pester your sister. We have a long way to go still and your dad can't concentrate on the road with you two fighting the whole way.”

“But she isn't giving me any space.”

“You've got the whole back window to stretch out and lie down in. I am squeezed between the big girls over the hump and all this stuff in the wells. I got no place else to move. Stop poking me!”

“I want to sit up front between Mom and Dad.”

“Well, you can't. Chopper is there and Debbie is on Mom's lap. Stop belly-aching.”

”Behave, Kids. Maybe we can make some readjustments next time we stop for gas. When do you think that will be, Hon?”

“Considering we have only been on the road for fifty miles it will be a long time. Try not to kill each other back there, okay. Don't make me pull this car over. You'll be sorry.”

“Can't we listen to the radio so we can sing along?”

“No, Thelma, I am waiting for my Cardinal game to start.”

“Why don't you play that traveling game you like so much, Mary. You know where everyone has to name what they are taking on the trip and add it to whatever everyone ahead of them said keeping it all alphabetically correct.”

“Oh, we've done that so much and it can get boring. Anyway Chopper and Debbie are too young to keep up with it.”

“Hey, that's right, Bette. And that sounds like Mom is trying to make it educational. We are supposed to be on vacation. I don't want to have anything to do with school. Yuck!”

“Okay, Bruce, just for that remark you can make it an extra challenge by adding an adjective to the object that starts with the same letter.”

“Yeah, Bruce, I dare you. Bet you can't remember everything.”

“Well, I don't want to get stuck with the X. Who is gonna start?”

“Bette, where do you think we should be traveling to?”

“How about Grandma's house?”

“And Thelma, what mode of transportation are we taking?”

“How about a roller coaster.”

“Now that sounds like fun and very similar to what we are doing. I'll start and we can only take animals, okay?”

“Okay, Dad! Bette and I will help the little ones go as far as they can or want to go.”

“I am going on a roller coaster ride to Grandma's house and am taking an ambitious armadillo. Dear, you're next.”

“I am going on a roller coaster ride to Grandma's house and am taking a bashful buffalo and an ambitious armadillo. Thelma help Debbie. Here, she's crawling over to sit on your lap.”

“Say 'I am going on a roller coaster ride to Grandma's house'”

“Going ta Grandma's on roller ride.”

“And am taking a colorful camel...”

“Colorful camel.”

“Bashful buffalo...”

“Bash buflo.”

“And an ambitious armadillo.”

“Ambi armado.”

“Oh, this is gonna take a while.”

“That's kind of the idea, Thelma. Bette, just have Chopper add a 'd' name and it can be your turn.”

“Chopper, what do you think of a dotted Dalmatian? Say: Dotted Dalmatian, colorful camel, bashful buffalo and ambitious armadillo.”

”You say fer me.”

“Okay. I am going to Grandma's on a roller coaster and am taking an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo and an ambitious armadillo. Mary.”

“I am going to Grandma's on a roller coaster and I am taking a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo and an ambitious armadillo. Bruce.”

"I am going to Grandma's on a roller coaster and am taking a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo and an ambitious armadillo. Mom.”

“Oh, boy, this is harder than I thought. I am going to Grandma's house on a roller coaster and I am taking a hump-backed horsefly, a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo and an ambitious armadillo. Hon, back to you.”

“You expect me to remember all that and drive, too? I think it is all going to tumble off this old roller coaster ride. Who wants to add an ignorant iguana to the list for me?”

“I will, I will.”

“Thanks, Bruiser. Go for it.”

"I am going to Grandma's on a roller coaster and I am taking an ignorant iguana, a hump-backed horsefly, a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo, and an ambitious armadillo."

“Looks like Debbie is sleeping, Thelma, your turn.”

“I am going to Grandma's on a roller coaster and I am taking a juggling jaguar, an ignorant iguana, a hump-backed horsefly, a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo, and an ambitious armadillo. Bette and Chopper.”

“We are going to Grandma's riding a roller coaster and taking a knitting koala, a juggling jaguar, an ignorant iguana, a humped-back whale, no wait, horsefly, a gigantic...a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo and an ambitious armadillo. Mary.”

“You almost messed up, there.”

“Come on, I've got Chopper helping. What happens if someone messes up?”

“Oh, I don't know. Maybe they have to finish the rest all by themselves?”

“I hungy.”

“How close are we to our usual road-side picnic table rest stop for peanut butter sandwiches, Hon?”

“Oh, probably a couple more additions to the zoo we've been loading.”

“Hurry, Mary.”

“Give me a second, Bruce. Where were we?”

“Knitting koala.”

“Fine. I am headed to Grandma's on this wild roller coaster and am taking a loose-lipped llama, a knitting koala, a juggling jaguar, an ignorant iguana, a humped-back horsefly, a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo and that ambitious armadillo that started it all.”

“Good. I am going to Grandma's on the family roller coaster and I am taking a masquerading monkey, a loose-lipped llama, a knitting koala, a juggling jaguar, an ignorant iguana, a humped-back horsefly, a gigantic gerbil, a ferocious ferret, an epileptic elephant, a dotted Dalmatian, a colorful camel, a bashful buffalo, and an ambitious armadillo. There! Mom.”