Within

Keka used to say

You don't need skill to make your baking special, you need Love

I'm positive he would change his ideology after seeing my horrible attempt at baking. Correction, horrible attempts.

I hear the sound of time

"19 clicks" I mutter with a sigh 

Tired, I wearily try to clear the kitchen equipments. Detesting them more and more by each moment.

The others would be at the hall by now, I better join them if I don't want to sleep on an empty stomach

Abandoning the clearing for later, I raced to the hall. Not wanting to spend anymore time alone. 

With the hall near, I breath a sigh of relief as I do each day. The hall has always been my haven of comfort, it was Keka's favourite place and so it is mine. The illuminiscent lights sustained by magic, the iridescent floors that never seems to weary even with so much abuse of greasy foods and wine. Keka used to call it the love dining because everyone he loved ate in the hall and Keka loved everyone and was loved in return. I still love him, whatever that means. When he passed away, I couldn't breath. Sometimes I forget. Not now though, I'm hungry.

I linger at the door, searching. The hot and cold food brought in by the service fairies, already at the table. The spice and aromas filling the room, brighter than the lights. I take a moment to breathe it all in, the sparkles, the lights, the noise, the warmth

"Hey!" I turned my attention to the speaker. Fauren, the head hall monitor guard. He has the features of most guards, Tan, sturdy and big with rippling muscles. We were in the same pods as babies and one of my closest friends. Almost the opposite of me really, so much brawn and enough brains to carry him through his duties and keep him out of trouble, where as I'm just the skinny kid with too much brain and very little strength to be of any good use to anybody. 

Except now

"I was given command to not let you into the dining hall" He continued, not wanting to meet my eyes.

I tilted my head in confusion and drew a little bit of attention to myself as it has to be something big for the head guard to keep you from entering the hall

"Orders from the queen" He clarified

I looked into the hall, dinner had started in full gear, my friends already digging into their meals.

"I need food" my tone clipped as I looked him dead straight in the eye

"You'll have your food brought to you" He stated, unaffected by my attitude

 I looked away from him to the direction of my friends. Although my voice wasn't loud, they were close enough to hear this whole interaction but not one of them looked in my direction. We always sat by the door, all six of us, 'to avoid chaos' as Bilon put it. Of course I don't expect to receive any recognition from them especially in public. Not now

I willed myself to keep from crying because even if it's not their decision, it still stings. Giving Fauren a curt nod, I flew harriedly to the palace. Although, I kept hitting things, I didn't care. The hurt within was bigger than the one without.

"I demand to see the Queen!" I shouted by the Queen's window. What I was doing is risky but I didn't care, I'm hurting and that's all that matters to me

"You do not demand things from the Queen you insolent fool" Scolded the Queen's guard 

"Let her in" The Queen cut in

Ushered into the throne room, the Queen already sitted at the throne in her official sleep ware

I kneeled on the floor as is the custom of when one is in the presence of a queen

Surprised by the Queen's immediate presence I was tongue tied

"Spit it out" The Queen commanded

"I need access to my frie…"

"No" she interrupted

"I'm not getting anywhere" I said, frustration making my voice higher

"You must, I command it"

"You can't just command my memories, it doesn't work that way" I retorted

"Do you forget you are in the presence if your Queen?" She said brusquely

"No, that's why I'm here. To make you listen" The tension in the room thickened at that as everyone in the room flinched

"I have half a mind to throw you into the dungeons" The Queen said ruefully, glaring dangerously at me

The room was silent, I was exhausted and I couldn't risk my freedom simply because I'm lonely

"Leave me" She declared 

A guard took me gently by the arm

"I can't…I can't do it" I choked back tears

The Queen's glared softened into pity

"You have to, for the people" 

Then she turned around, signifying the end of the meeting

"Please excort Dandel to her quarters"

I felt a tug at my hand by the same guard, ready to snap I whipped my head to the direction of the guard and softened when I saw his eyes. Aile, my best friend. I let him guide me home.

"You don't say much but when you do, you say the most stupid things that would probably get you killed" I would feel guilty if Aile didn't look more amuse than angry

I shrugged

True to his word, Fauren had sent me a basket of food, although I prefer the dining experience, I had to settle for it.

Aile walked over to Keka's kitchen, inspecting the mess

I felt subconscious immediately, I'm not that messy but baking isn't my specialty, I'd rather make my bed with machines.

Then he walked to where I sat, my face buried in my food

"Let's go away" he said, touching my arm

My face snapped up immediately

"We could forget everything, the Queen's dumb orders, your grandfather's recipe. I know it's causing you pain and I can't bear to see you in pain, we can't bear it"

I studied his face, his sky blue eyes on my dark brown ones, his pale hand on gripping my chocolate brown hands.

"Rhannys has been charting the stars, we can find a new haven far from this place, the six of us, no one has to hurt you or lock you up ever again"

Overwhelmed by his speech, I shakily lifted my free hands to his face, stroking his cheek

"We'll leave everything" I whispered

With those three words, he knew what I was talking about. We won't just be leaving all our pains and our family, we'd be leaving our memories, ourselves and our loves and we'd be putting the whole village in danger because without Keka's recipe there'd be no lights and without lights, there'd be fear. We can't leave, even if we wanted to.

It was still good to hear him say it out loud, what he and the others were willing to do for me. 

Then it hit me, I closed my eyes and willed the memories to come, I could see Rhannys with books on the library table, her face in a big frown as she try to compile different star charts, Bilon's carefree attitude as he slug an arm around my shoulder, laughing at his latest joke, Aile obsessively talking about his lab result, Styrmmy gushing and renegading us with a tale of kids she found fascinating, daeg's shy and secret smile when he tries to keep a secret, Fauren's over protectiveness, The Queen's rare laughter, Keka telling me adventures of my parents and grandmother and teaching me things I would never learn anywhere. The memories, they don't feel painful anymore, I'm not forcing them, they wrap me up like a thick cloth or blanket and I stop breathing, I don't need to. I hear Keka's voice. It's not written, it's within you. I know now, I understand. I don't see anything or anyone even as I shoot up, it will be OK. We'll all be safe. Keka's recipe, it's love. I don't think anymore, I bake