Affairs in Order

TW: Swearing and sexual references.

Aled gazed with incredulity. How could every dirty secret he’d kept for so many years have shown up at his engagement party. His palms began to sweat. His throat begged for a drink.

            Had she done it on purpose? These were her guests. Laura caught him gazing at her and smiled, brown eyes glinting with the same sparkle as the ring he’d slipped over her finger.

            “I should introduce you,” said Laura, taking his arm and guiding him around his living room. “Aled, this is Gina,” his fiancé nodded to a tall woman with her head down, long hair across her face. She was trying not to look at him, her face flushed with recognition. “Gina is the PE teacher at school I’ve told you about.”

            Aled had known Gina as a coach, not a teacher. He recognised her husband from the family portrait on the wall of their living room. Under the gaze of the photograph, many of their liaisons had begun with undressing on the sofa. He knew the black marble of their kitchen where Gina’s impassioned spasms had knocked some expensive looking plates to the floor.

            “Nice to meet you, Gina,” he said. He hoped she could keep recognition to herself. The way her eyes were darting around the room it didn’t seem like it. Aled tried not to remember the toned curves of her body as he made the required pleasantries.

            “Nice to meet you Aled,” the married woman had put too much emphasis on the A. It was then that he remembered he’d called himself Alex when he’d met her as a precaution. He’d never admitted to the ruse.

            “And her husband, sorry, I don’t know your name.” Laura gave a kind smile to the balding man with his hand around Gina’s waist. He’d been away on business across the world every time his wife and her lover had ripped screams from each other in half the rooms of the house.

            “Niall,” he said, “nice to meet you Aled. You’re a lucky man.” Niall held out his hand. Aled shook it, doubting he was quite that lucky.

With an arm hooked through his, Laura led her fiance to his next dirty secret.

            “This is Kerry, she’s David’s mum. You know how I talk about David all the time?” Laura pointed to the man sipping wine by Kerry’s side. “And this is David’s daddy, Bruce.”

Bruce shook Aled’s hand. “Nice to meet you mate, our boy is constantly talking about your bride to be. His favourite teacher. I’m really pleased for you both. Marriage is a wonderful thing.”

            Aled wanted to ask about Kerry’s younger son, the child she’d had with a man she referred to as ‘It.’ About Kerry he remembered the ramshackle council house she’d lived in ten years before. He remembered her poor taste in sitcom DVDs beneath the tv. He remembered the night they’d broken her coffee table because her son was asleep in the only bedroom and the sofa was too thin for her to lie down.

            “Nice to meet you Bruce, Kerry.” He remembered the caesarean scar on her stomach. Her curly hair as they kissed. She’d been the loudest woman he’d ever slept with, mostly because she was a pathological faker, which he’d never liked.

Onto the next guest. Finally a woman he hadn’t slept with.

            “This is Lizzie,” said Laura. “She teaches P6.” Lizzie was a tall, slim girl to Aled’s eyes, straight out of university no doubt. Her sweet smile was the most innocent in the room as Aled’s former lovers tried to hide their expressions. Some seemed to be making excuses to leave early.

            Good, go please. This is impossible, Aled thought.

            “Nice to meet you Lizzie,” Laura talks about you. “How are you coping with all the little terrors in the class. Has Nicholas shoved anything up his nose recently?” The little boy in question was known well by the local hospital for his love of nasal insertion.

            “Mostly his finger now, always has a bleeding nose.” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “Still, that beats getting Crayola crayons lodged up there and having to get the nurse to take him to the doctors. Always for the attention. It must hurt. His nose is tiny.”

            “I hope he washes his hands a lot,” said Aled.

            “Oh yes,” Lizzie’s mouth curved in a sardonic smile, “he washes his hands, the sink, the walls, his clothes. I left him alone for two seconds on Monday and he turned up with a soap beard. He said he was Santa, and we were all getting presents. You have to laugh. Or cry.” Lizzie shook her head. Ginger hair bounced.

            “I’ve got to say Laura, you need to bring your eye candy to more work outings, make everyone jealous.” The girl winked to Aled, who didn’t need another reason to blush. He was thankful for the excuse though.

            “Alright Lizzie, get laid yeah. We’ll find you someone. I’d better keep moving and say hi to everyone.” Laura dragged Aled away. “She’s such a flirt,” his fiancé whispered.

            Aled lifted his arms because his moist armpits were sticking together. His friends were scattered about the room but sadly Laura knew them all so there was no need for introductions. His former flatmate was pointing to Kerry and miming something he shouldn’t. Aled nodded and put a finger to his lips.

            Josh, the prodigal roommate lit up with excitement and turned to more of their art school friends to spread the gossip. Aled tried to tear himself away from Laura to intercept Josh before he could spill the beans and possibly Aled’s chances of marrying his fiancé.

            “This is Moira. She’s Sean and Calum’s mummy,” said Laura. Moira had only been the mother of one when she and Aled were having sex in her car every Tuesday night for a few months. That had ended when he met Laura. Moira had been insistent that she didn’t mind if he was having an affair, since she was anyway.

            “Is Sean and Calum’s daddy here?” Laura asked, looking around the room where everyone was enjoying crisps and wine or beer.

            “No, he’s on shift this week and next.” Moira’s voice was the kind lonely men paid a lot of money to listen to on the phone. She took great care with her makeup and the outfit she wore might have cost as much as everything everyone else in the room was wearing. She twirled the incredible diamond encrusted engagement ring around her finger as she spoke. Even her wedding band cost more than the one Aled had bought in a set with the one on Laura’s finger.

            Aled wasn’t worried about Moira letting anything slip. She was an incredible actress. She’d told her husband how much she missed him on her webcam as Aled lay in their marriage bed across the room, waiting for the next round.

            “Shame not to meet him. Nice to meet you though, Moira.” Aled nodded to her. She gave him a smile that was knowing and impassive all at once.

            “And you Aled. I have to say, I didn’t realise Laura’s future hubby was so handsome. You’re a lucky girl.” Moira’s eyes sparkled with all the lustre of her diamonds.

            “I know,” said Laura. Her innocent smile knotted Aled’s stomach with guilt.

            “Next is Sonya, from my spin classes.” She tapped the woman on the shoulder. Sonya was short but toned, a far cry from the goddess of curves he remembered from years before. Somehow she still looked in her early twenties. He knew she had to be at least forty. When he was nineteen, she’d been in her late twenties. Sonya was ageless. Black hair in a neat bob cut at her shoulders was the same. Her smile was the same, innocent until they were alone.

            Sonya was the source of many of Aled’s most vivid memories. They both liked the risk of being intimate outdoors. During one trip to the capital, they’d been too lusty to wait for the ten-minute walk to the hotel. Sex on top of a suitcase in a graveyard beneath a castle still numbered as one of the oddest moments of his life, top ten at least.

            Things hadn’t ended well between them. Aled had mistaken teenage acne for something more sinister. Sharing that assumption with her had been taken in the worst possible way.

            “Hi Sonya,” Laura wrapped the woman in a hug. Aled tried not to think about the sordid messages they’d sent each other daily for the months they’d been sleeping together.

            “Hello,” Sonya returned the embrace, glaring at him over his fiancé’s shoulder. Her lips mimed ‘what the fuck?’ The frown became a beaming smile as they emerged from the hug. “Who’s this then? Handsome devil, isn’t he?” Sonya’s eyes were cold steel ready to cut his throat.

            “This is my man, Aled. I think I’ve told you all about him?” Laura’s happy ignorance was twisting the knot in his stomach, pricking his conscience with rusty nails.

            “Are you as wild as she says?” Sonya asked, her voice hovered on a tightrope between venom and syrup.

            “Not anymore really.” Aled shrugged. “I’ve been a bad guy in the past, done some naughty things but I’ve got Laura now and we’re very happy.” He hoped it didn’t sound like an insult, more a mild warning. Who knows what it sounded like? I didn’t ask for this, he thought. This is too much. His heart was racing.

            “Look after Laura, she’s a good one. There aren’t many as sweet as her about.”

            “I know,” he said, looking at his shoes. “I’m glad every day that I found her, and I just hope that we can be this happy forever.”

            “Here’s hoping,” Sonya smiled. “Congratulations. I hope you’re the good man a sweet girl like Laura deserves.”

            “I try to be.” Aled nodded. He wanted to be.

When the introductions were done Aled retreated to the relative safety of his friends. They were drunk already and gossiping too loudly about his old flame at his engagement party.

            “You must have some bad karma coming back for you.” Josh’s smile was sweet revenge for every time Aled had a girl in his room, drowning out whatever music was meant to mask the sounds of their passion. “This is amazing.”

            “What do I do?” Aled asked. His skin was crawling.

            “You suffer my friend. You suffer.” Josh shook his head. He didn’t even know how bad it was and that was probably for the best. The prodigal roommate was a talker and though he would try, keeping so many juicy secrets would be too much for him.

            “It’s impossible, she’s been staring at me the whole time. Her husband is going to notice.” Aled whispered in rapid desperation.

            Josh’s gleeful smile held no sympathy. “That’s not really your fault though is it. Was she the one with the dog that watched you having sex?” Aled’s friend seemed to be in his element, more of their friends leaning in for the gossip.

            “No. That wasn’t Kerry,” Aled said. It was Moira, he thought. The dog was apparently too yappy to be left alone. It had humped the married woman’s underwear the moment she threw it to the floor. It was a memory of her Aled had hoped to forget. He remembered having to have all the curtains closed in case neighbours saw Moira with him, wandering naked around the house.

            “Relax, buddy. It’s just one woman. Her husband’s here. She can’t do anything.” Josh’s words were slim comfort to Aled’s crawling skin. It wasn’t just one woman. Even if it had only been Kerry, she was capable of a great many things, many wonderful things but who knew what else.

            “Speech. Speech,” someone said, the influence of alcohol obvious from the slurring.

            Laura pulled Aled towards the window, past Gina and Sonya who were deep in conversation. One of them pinched him as he passed, making him jump. When he looked back the devilish smiles on their faces gave no hint of who had groped him.

            “Thank you, everyone,” said Laura. “Thank you for coming all this way to drink our booze, eat our food and most of all for being our friends.” Aled looked around the room, not letting his eyes linger to long on any of the women who had been far more than friends to him.

            On every one of their faces was a knowing smile. They could destroy his world with a few words, and they all knew it. It wouldn’t matter that he’d been faithful to Laura. Having so many former lovers at the party was impossible.

            Laura nudged him. He had to say something. “Thank you all for-” He stopped, not wanting to say the word coming. “Thank you for being here today. I don’t know what else to say, really.” He knew his cheeks were burning.

            “Laura says you’re more a man of action,” said Lizzie, who was bright red and drunk to the eyeballs.

            Laughter spread around the room as he looked at Laura who was blushing as well. Looking back around the room he saw that everyone was smiling for different reasons. His friends smiled at his embarrassment, strangers likewise, lovers because they remembered how true those words were.

Aled tried to avoid as much of the rest of the party as possible in the toilet. The longer he waited the more likely Gina, Kerry, Moira, and Sonya would be gone.

            Someone knocked.

            “Just a second,” he said. Sighing, he flushed the toilet and let the taps splash loudly.

            When he opened the door Moira was standing there, undoing the buttons of her top. She pushed him in before he could react and closed the door.

            “Hey there tiger,” she said grabbing his crotch. “Miss me? Oh, you did.”

            “No. No.” Damn it hormones, not now. He cursed the bulge in his trousers and tried to push past her to the door. “I love Laura. I can’t.”

            “I won’t tell,” said the married woman in her sultry voice. Her smile was syrup on sin.

            “No. I had some great times with you Moira, but no. Please. Let me past.”

            She sighed, doing up her buttons. Then she began crying, silently. She’d deflated. Aled wanted to hug her, but he had to leave.

            The door opened into the hall; Sonya was waiting as he emerged.

            “All done in there?” She asked, her eyes knew what had happened.

            “Yes.” He wanted to leave. It was his house, but he wanted to throw the door open and run for his life.

            “You know I’ve missed you as well.”

            “I’m flattered. Thank you, but-” He started but Sonya didn’t let him finish.

            “Everything before the word but is a lie so don’t bother. I’m sure you’ll be very happy with Laura. She’s sweet. Not the kind of girl I imagined you with, but you were always full of surprises. We’re going to go now. It’s been a lovely party. I’m glad to see you again.” Her eyes gave him a once over before she turned and moved back into the living room to find her husband.

            “Where have you been?” Laura asked. “You were gone for ages.”

            “Funny stomach, nerves I guess.”

            “Not getting cold feet I hope?” Gina said from behind him. She smiled as he looked back as if it was a joke.

            “No. I love Laura. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.” He was sweating again. Am I in Hell? He wondered.

            “Have you been a good boy?” Gina asked. “Saved yourself for marriage?”

            “No, I’ve told you,” Laura said. She was blushing for an entirely different reason. “We’re both the try before we buy type.” Aled looked at his fiancé, frowning. She had to be drunk. That wasn’t the sort of thing Laura said sober.

Closing the door as an impossibly drunk Lizzie disappeared in a taxi, Aled slid down the wall.

            “Thank fuck that’s over,” he said. He looked at Laura, sitting on the stairs.

            “It wasn’t that bad.” She was talking to the carpet; she’d drunk almost as much as Lizzie.

            “Half of your friends are apparently women I used to sleep with. It was BAD.” He said, looking up at the ceiling.

            “What?” Her head snapped up, lolling around in her drunken state.

            “Your friends, Moira, Kerry, Gina, and Sonya. I used to sleep with them. Before I knew you obviously but still. This has been the most awkward night of my life.”

            “What?” Laura tried to stand. Her legs shook. Her eyes were unfocused. “How many women have you slept with?”

            “Just them and you and two more, not that many.” Aled held up his palms to defend himself from her rage.

            “Want to tell me who the other two are in case I invite them to the wedding by accident?” Laura’s voice was a low growl.

            “Unless you get arrested or stop at a train station in Sunderland it shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know what the odds are of you knowing them all like this anyway.” He buried his face in his hands. The stink of body odour from the constant fear was powerful.

            She laughed.

            He looked up.

            Laura was sitting on the stairs laughing her beautiful head off.

            “What?”

            “I just thought it was your usual anti-social thing. You looked like you were going to shit yourself all night.” She wiped tears of mirth away with her sleeve. “Your face.”

            “It’s not funny,” he said. Despite that he was starting to smile.

            “It has to be,” she said. Her shoulders were bouncing. “I have to laugh or kill you.”

            “Laugh away then beautiful.”

            “Parents evening is going to be interesting,” Laura said. “And breaks in the staff room.”

            “Sorry.”