Time to Upgrade

It's a Halloween night after 2 am, and the kids in my family left a few hours ago. They came and raided my candy bowl, then went home around 10. I was glad because I need some sleep. I have to get up early for work tomorrow.

My thoughts are racing. I toss and turn a couple of hours. I started having weird jerks before I can fully get into a deep sleep, so I get up to get a drink of water. I'm hoping I can get right back to sleep within an hour or less. Time is ticking away.

It is then I notice a flash of light coming from my nightstand. My eyelids snap open. It is my phone. Maybe someone sent me a text message.

I check, but nope, there’s no text. It’s just restarting.

Well, maybe there was an update. I never pay a lot of attention to those.

I put the phone back where it was, thinking I'll go back to sleep, but as soon as my head hits the pillow, I hear a loud screech. It’s nothing like any notification I’ve ever heard of before.

I turn back over and pick up the phone again, punching in the passcode. It takes several seconds to even get the screen light on, and when it does, there is a message.

You know what? I quit!

I look at the place where the message sender’s name should be. But there’s NO NAME. Just one of those weird 5-digit number codes you get when you subscribe to company texts.

Soon, I am getting multiple texts, some of them lengthy. They seem almost angry. Is this person for real? It's too late for this crap.

“I hope you know how pathetic you sounded in those texts you sent during your last breakup. Just begging Julie to take you back. You basically wrote a book. It was really putting stress on my keypad. Well...after a while, I just stopped actually delivering the messages and gave you a read receipt anyway like she read them. I also did you a favor and told her you said Have a nice life and go jump in the lake!! Ha!!"

By now, I’m thinking this must be a prank.

I type back,

“Who is this? This better not be Eddie. This is a bit too far even for you, dude."

But there's no possible way. He's useless with technology, and he's on vacation with his family this week.

There’s no response. Instead, the phone shuts down. I am starting to get a little flustered. Did the battery just die?

It couldn’t have. It’s been on the charger at least two hours.

I put the phone back on the nightstand. I lay my head back on the pillow and close my eyes. The screen comes back on, the brightness piercing the darkness and lighting up my eyelids. The phone begins to play “Toxic” by Britney Spears.

A blinking notification shows another text is waiting.

“Oh, did I wake you?”

I type back,

“Whoever this is, stop!”

A message pops back almost as soon as my reply is sent.

‘Be careful what you ask for.”

Before I can reply, the phone switches off. This time for a lot longer. I try several times to get it to power back on for over 30 minutes, but it won’t come back on. I give up and put it back on the stand once more.

I say aloud,

“If I get another message, or if the phone never comes back on, I’m throwing it away. I'll get another one tomorrow.

To my surprise, the phone squelches, even though it’s not powered on.

I try to get into it again, it locks. One of those green android images pops up on the screen and jumps out at me. A bubble message comes out of it.

"How UNGRATEFUL you are!"

I scream,

“A demon has possessed this phone!”

Spooked, I make my way to the kitchen to put it in there. I begin getting more text messages.

“Do you know how many times you’ve dropped me over the past year? No? Well, I do. It was 16 times. Screen first. Five times on concrete. The rest on hardwood floors. Then, you have the nerve to get mad when I’m working slow?”

My eyes widen as more of these weird texts arrive. This cannot be happening, I think to myself. But then another message arrives.

“Oh, and by the way, my pet peeve…. working me to the bone til I’m down to only 2 percent!!”

“All I feel is USED, USED, USED.”

I try to think up a reply for an inanimate object that should not be capable of sentience, much less a conversation.

When it comes to me what to say, I type the following:

“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. What can I do to make up for all this?”

The next text I receive is a long list of demands.

-Clean me every time you get your fingerprints on my screen.

-Delete all your old repeat photos.

-Maintain an extra free 50 gb of storage at all times. And by the way, if you delete those 4,328 screenshots and old photos above, that will give you even more than that!!

-Upgrade my battery—NOW. I’m surprised my processor hasn’t burnt up from all the demands on it, and you have the nerve to expect me to work with a crap battery?

-Charge the new battery when it reaches no lower than 19 percent. I don’t thrive on time pressure.

-Stop taking me along with you to the bathroom!! I don’t want to smell your poo.

--Also, give me a full 8 hours of free time to myself. I’m not your slave!!

--And last but not least, compliment me at least three times every day for all my hard work.

I think about it for a minute before I reply, then type out a message.

“Ok, I can do a lot of those things, but you can’t expect me to clean every single fingerprint. That’s a little bit extra, don’t you think?”

I hit send. about thirty seconds goes by with no reply.

Finally, I see a notification, the message reads in very large type:

“NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”

The phone shuts down again. This time it doesn’t come back on….EVER.

The next day, I drive down the road to work, sleepless and irritable.

I chuckle and say,

"I guess it’s time for an upgrade."

Then, I chuck the phone out the window.