The effing woods

"Move to the country", they said, "it will do you good", they said, "a quiet life in the country is just what the doctor ordered."

So I did. I gave up my nice roomy flat in the city and moved into the small timber frame house my freshly deceased father had left me. "Oh but that sounds wonderful!", you'll ejaculate, "so peaceful and relaxed!" 

You have no idea.

The thing I had been looking forward to most of all was healthy sleep. Oh to sleep all through the night undisturbed from artificial light, and to wake to natural light and birds singing.

The first night at my house, I made myself a lovely cup of cocoa and snuggled in between my sheets. I read a few pages of Thoroughs "Walden" and when I felt sleepy enough, I turned out the light and sunk happily into my pillow. Pure bliss. 

After a while, I opened my eyes again.

It was oddly light. At 10 pm. In March. Full moon? I got up to drink a glass of water. Then I stepped outside to look at the moonlit night sky. But there was none. The sky was alight with numerous stars competing patiently with: A lantern.

 A huge thing at the corner of the street. So much for the natural darkness. Oh well, I'd need to hang up curtains. No drama. For now, I made do with towels to cover the windows and went to bed. The window was tilted so I would fall asleep to the soft whispering of the wind through the leaves.. ...

"Hey, girls, what's up? " 

"Goood eeeveeeniiiiing looovelyy laaadiiies, who's ready to party?" 

I sat bolt upright. -What- what the actual---??? I looked out of the window. Nobody there. Hm, maybe the voices of the boys in the village carried this far down the hill.

 "I am right here, Ladies! Seems a lovely night for romance." 

In any case, it seemed to be party time for the villagers. I closed the window and stuffed some toilet paper into my ears. Tomorrow would be a new day.

4 am. 

"Morning!"

"Good morning"

"It's going to be a beautiful day!" 

"It sure will be. I feel terrrriffic!!!"

O.K. Enough. Even in the countryside, people had to show some consideration. I slipped into my slippers and cardigan all the while hearing more cheery shouts:

"Hello!" "It's so loooveelyy up here."

"I am so ready for mating I cannot begin to tell you how ready I am!"

"Well, come here and SHOW me!" 

My neighbours seemed not to be in the clutches of shyness. I stepped outside to give them a good piece of my mind.

Nobody there. That is, I couldn't see anybody but the voices continued undisturbed. "Fancy a little trip around the forest? I know a lovely place to DO it."

The noise was almost unbearable. It sounded like a marketplace. Or a Bordell. I went around my house. They must be somewhere. Nothing. I shook my head. Was it possible that I was still dreaming?

I had watched "the invisible man" on Netflix the previous week. Maybe that combined with spring erupting all around me had led to this insane dream. I pinched myself." Ouch!" If I was still asleep, I was certainly capable of feeling pain. Maybe my body had pinched itself while my mind was still in the land of the sandman? I went back inside and dove under the covers to wake up properly the next time.

10 am. Carefully I stuck my head out from under the blanket. Nothing suspicious. My radio was playing songs from the 50ies, and I couldn't hear anything from outside. Thank God, only a dream. I listened to the news while having tea and porridge, then set about dressing for a lovely walk through the woods. 

A peek through my window told me that the wind had picked up considerably. You might even call it stormy. Which I love. Walking on a windy day gives me the feeling of cleanliness as if all the stress and heaviness is blown away.

As I closed the wooden gate I saw my neighbour working in her garden. She gave me a cheery wave seemingly unaffected by last nights amorous riots.

As soon as I entered the woods, I heard voices. Dark old voices.

"Oh no, here we go again, my old limbs can't cope much longer. Two more storms and I'm done for."

I looked around for the old man who had uttered those words but could see no one.

"I hear you brother. It's them crawlers munching away on us combined with the unseasonable heat. It's simply too much."

"Hello?-- Anybody there?-- Um, I'm new here, but if you show yourselves, I might be able to help. I jobbed in a hospital as a student."---

No reply. Nothing. Either I was going crazy or--

"Is he talking to us?"-"Who?" "That two-trunk. Is he?" "Don't know--

hey, were you talking to us?"

I was still looking for the source of the voices. " Um, yes, I suppose, but I cannot see who is speaking. Where are you?" "Odd. Normally, twotrunks don't address us in person. Art thou a wizard?" "What? no, I just moved here. I am a writer. Where are you?" "We are right next to you." A branch brushed my face. "Ouch." "Sorry, didn't mean to." "Mean to what?" "Hit you with my stickler." "What? Why? You? Hit me? Do you mean you are the tree?" "We are Rooters, but you twotrunks call us trees." "Alright, sure, I-- I am talking to trees now and they are talking back." "We are Rooters." "Of course, Rooters from 'roots' I get it, I just, I need to go home, have a good day." "Them twotrunks are always in a hurry." "They sure are, but this one at least made an effort." I was clearly insane. Trees couldn't talk. I hurried back uphill to my house grateful that the dirt road was only framed by shrubbery. "Brrrr it is a chilly day, isn't it? Look at all my leavies, they are shivering." "I hear you sister mine are too, and that chirpers nest is gonna fall out if they are not careful" Oh no, that was the bushes chatting away. I ran the last meters to my house, fiddled with my keys until I finally closed the door behind me. Blissful silence. O.k. Breath. Sit down. Have a cup of tea. NO, WAIT! A 

CUP OF TEA??? this is probably where those hallucinations had sprung from in the first place. I threw all the teabags into a tin bucket and set fire to them outside, all the while making sure I didn't inhale the fumes. Then I tried to think logically. Stress. it all came down to stress. This was a nervous breakdown of some sort. I lay down on the floor and tried to concentrate on my breath. In and out. In and out. "I am certain there's food here. I smelled it last night. We are very close." Those voices came from the wall next to my head. then I heard scratching noises. " You're sure it's save`He doesn't have a cat, does he?" "No, don't worry. Come!" A rat emerged behind the closet followed by another one in close pursuit." "We just have to hop on--aaaaaahhhhh! Back BACK!!! There is a Human lying on the floor, staring at us! RUUUUUNNNNN!" And that's when I called you." "I see. And what do you want me to do?" "I'm not sure, aren't psychiatrist supposed to help in such cases?" "Cases of what?" "Spontaneous and utter loss of one's mind?" " Is that what you think happened?" " Well, how would you call it?" "Did you hear other things before you came here? I understand that since your call and our first appointment there was quite a period of time that elapsed." "Sure, I found out that those horny partygoers from the night before had been crickets looking for their match, that the shrill cheery voices from 4 am were birds, and one of the trees actually didn't survive the next storm." "And all this makes you think, you lost your mind." "Well, how would you call it?" "Doolittlephonia." "Back your pardon?" "You are not insane, you have the gift to talk to the woodlanders." "The woodlanders..." "Yes, the beings inhabiting the woods. I must admit I quite envy you. I always loved Dr Doolittle. Did you find out what the trees think about the songbird decline?" "I. um, no. I haven't exactly discussed climate-change either."-" You should. It could give scientists an entirely new perspective." " I am sure it would." You know what, I have to leave, there's something I want to discuss with the snails." "You do that. And please say hello to the fireflies from me. They are my favourite animals." Sure will. Goodbye, Doc."

I left the practice in a hurry and didn't relax until I had driven for at least 4 miles. Then I stopped the car. Doolittlephonia my arse.