Better Than Last Time

THE BOSS: “I’m not doin’ that. We’re not doin’ that. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

TOMMY: “Yes, I do remember what happened last time, but this time will be better. If we-”

THE BOSS: “Well of course it would be better! It couldn't go any worse than what ‘appened the last time…”

TOMMY: “Exactly! That’s what I’m saying. We have learned from our mistakes. It’ll be fine.”

THE BOSS: “No. No way. Maybe you were able to persuade me before, but not again. Never, ever. No way.”

TOMMY: “Come onnnnn. It’ll be a piece of cake!”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. It will be easy.”

THE BOSS: “Don’t you start an’ all! Gawd, I’ve had enough of you two. All you do is whine and pester me. It’s not ‘appenin’ - end of.”

TOMMY: “Look. I know we messed up last time. We’ve apologised a hundred times. And look, we will apologise again. We’re sorry…”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. We’re very sorry.”

TOMMY: “Very, very sorry. But, as I told you earlier - we have learnt from our mistakes. We’ve evolved.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. We’ve evolved. Like the peppered moth.”

TOMMY: “Yeah, exactly. Hold on… What are you on about? ‘Peppered moth’?”

RAYMOND: “Well, like the peppered moth evolved didn’t it. It was a light coloured moth, but after the Industrial Revolution, you know with all that coal and soot and everything, it became darker, to blend in.”

TOMMY: “Oh, wow. Why’d it do that?”

RAYMOND: “So it could avoid being eaten by predators. You see-”

THE BOSS: “Shut it! Shut up - both of you. Gawd! Here I am, trying to think of ways to get us out of this mess, and you two are badgerin’ on about peepin’ moths…”

RAYMOND: “Peppered moths, boss…”

THE BOSS: “Shut it. I can’t believe you two. The least you could do is come up with some good, solid ideas or plans. May I remind you, it were you two twerps who got us into this pickle in the first place. If it weren’t for you two, I’d be laughin’. But no. I ‘ad to be saddled with two, useless, stupid-”

TOMMY: “Oi, cool the jets a minute. We’re not stupid.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. We ain’t useless either.”

TOMMY: “No, we ain’t. We bring just as much shrewdness and innovative ideas as you do.”

THE BOSS: “‘Innovative ideas?’ Gawd, someone’s been doin’ a lot of readin’. Yeah, you might’ve had some ‘innovative ideas’, but they were all crap ones, weren’t they? I mean, your last one- Gawd, don’t get me started. I’ve just about ‘ad it.”

TOMMY: “We know. But now we have a better plan. We’ve thought it through, from start to finish. We’ve thought of every possible thing that could go wrong. We are prepared. Raymond, show boss the plan.

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. Look at this. See? Everything thought of. We’ll be gravy.”

TOMMY: “Yeah, exactly. Besides, she’s hardly gonna expect us to do what we did again, is she?”

THE BOSS: “No, she isn’t. Because she doesn’t think we’re that stupid! Little does she know…”

TOMMY: “Exactly! We’ll have the element of surprise. Catch her with her guard down.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. She won’t know what happened.”

THE BOSS: “Have I gone mental, or am I actually considerin’ this? OK, then. Talk me through the plan.”

TOMMY: “Right, OK, so then. Last time, what did we do wrong? Well…”

THE BOSS: “For the love of… Tommy, I’m thinking it will be quicker if you listed all the things that went right..”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, Tommy. ‘Cos we didn’t do much right, did we? So the list will be, like, very short.”

THE BOSS: “Very, short.”

TOMMY: “Are you gonna let me do this? So, as I was saying… What went wrong? Well, for starters, we didn’t deal with security, did we?”

THE BOSS: “Gawd, don’t remind me…”

RAYMOND: “No, we didn’t, Tommy. They came after us straight away, didn’t they?”

TOMMY: “Yes they did, Raymond. That’s why this time, we take them out.”

RAYMOND: “What, like, kill them?”

TOMMY: “What?! Gawd, no! No, we’ll just knock them out or tie them up or something…

RAYMOND: “Ohh, yeah. I’ll put them in a hard scarf…”

THE BOSS: “‘Ard scarf?”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, like a headlock. Do you want me to show you, boss?”

THE BOSS: “No, no. I get the picture, Raymond…”

TOMMY: “Next, we will turn off all the cameras, the alarms, everything... 

RAYMOND: “Oh, yeah, Tommy. ‘Cos we forgot about the alarms as well, didn’t we? They started screaming and going off like fireworks. Within 10 minutes, the police were outside, weren’t they, Tommy?”

TOMMY: They were, Raymond. So, once inside the building, like the main bit…”

RAYMOND: “Ohh, the bit with all them paintings and the marble?”

TOMMY: “Yeah, that’s it.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, that room was nice, wasn’t it, Tommy”

TOMMY: “Yeah, it was beautiful… Anyway! Once we’re in there, we will sneak, sneak, sneak up the stairs and into the office. Obviously, we’ll be going in the dead of night so no one should be about and she should be asleep. Raymond, you’ll be on the lookout, like we said earlier, remember?”

RAYMOND: “Yep, sure. I have ears like a bat and eyes like a hawk.”

THE BOSS: “And a brain like a worm...”

TOMMY: “Exactly! So, you’ll be there, keeping an eye out. I will then enter the office, grab the package, and then we’ll be on our way. We’ll be as happy as clams, boss.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. As clams.”

THE BOSS: “Hmmmm. Gawd, I must be mad… Are you two sure you can do it? I mean, if you fudge up like last time, that will be it. ‘Cos you know I can’t go with you.”

TOMMY: “Boss, have a little faith, yeah? We’ll ace it.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. It’ll be simple.”

THE BOSS: “Yeah, I’ve ‘eard that before, ‘aven’t I? Well, you two better ‘ope so… Gawd, what am I doin’? I’m warnin’ you though. Seriously. Don’t let her know it was us, that it was me. Leave no traces, yeah?”

TOMMY: “Calm down, boss. We’re professionals, yeah? We know what we’re doing…”

THE BOSS: “Yeah, sure. Let me just tell you. If you mess up and get caught, you are on your own. You can’t mention my name. You’ll just ‘ave to make a story of how you’re regular burglars or whatever. If you’re arrested, well, that’s life, ain’t it?  You’ll just ‘ave to be brave and deal with it yourselves, ‘cos I’ll be gone. OK? We clear?”

TOMMY: “Crystal. Cheer up boss, we’ll be good as gold.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. Stop being such a glummy bear. Everyday above ground is a good day”

TOMMY: “Ooh, I like that one. Where’d you get that from?”

RAYMOND: “Scarface.”

TOMMY: “Nice.”

THE BOSS: “Just...Don’t make me regret this. I am tellin’ you. Do. Not. Make. Me. Regret. This. ‘Cos it’ll be your ‘eads.”

TOMMY: “Chill. We’ve got it in the bag.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. Everything will be under control. It will be the opposite of last time.”

THE BOSS: “I bloody well hope so. I need that package…It’s my-”

TOMMY: “Aw, Gawd, not again…”

THE BOSS: “I need it... She stole it from me. She’s gonna pay…

TOMMY: “We’re not gonna harm her, boss, so she’s not really gonna ‘pay’, is she? Like, we’re not hurting her or anything. We’re not getting revenge. We’re just taking back what’s rightfully yours.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. We’re not getting any revenge. ‘A man who seeks revenge digs two graves’, boss.”

TOMMY: “Wow, you come out with some good little lines, don’t you, Ray? Yeah, boss. Like you said anyway, you don’t want her knowing it was us, do you?”

THE BOSS: “No, no, definitely not…”

TOMMY: “But, I guess she is going to know. I mean, who breaks into a house just for so-”

THE BOSS: “I know. I know. But it’s mine. I need it. I’ve had it for years… And she took it, just like that… As if her divorcing me wasn’t enough, she had to do that as well… Evil...She knew how much it meant to me… How long I’ve waited to open that bottle… To taste that wine… I had it for 7 years, my father had it for 10 years before me, my grandad 12 years before him. I need it back. And that’s what you two twerps are gonna do, isn’t it? You’re gonna get it back, then we can be happy. Yes… That’s it… We’ll all be happy…”

RAYMOND: “Tommy…I think the boss is having a nervous breakdown…”

TOMMY: “Me too, Raymond. We better get a move on. Well then boss, we’re off. It will all be fine tomorrow.”

RAYMOND: “Yeah, boss. We’ll get the wine and you’ll finally be able to taste it. It’ll be fine, boss. See ya, boss.”