Last Report

I am under strict orders not to let those around me know of my true nature. My creator is conducting an experiment to see if humans would suspect the existence of an android in their midst. My programming has gone through millions of minutes of footage for me to learn how to act like one of the human race. I have also determined that the level of difficulty this sort of mission will be: medium level.

This is because my creator has provided me with all the human attributes that would make my mission easier for me more believable as a person. Those being that I look like a male, and appear to be of European decent in Today’s United States of America.

According to statistics, those were the two categories that are most believed and least questioned.

Exactly 7 days, 16 hours and 37 minutes ago, I received a compliment that made me assess that I must spend greater effort in my social skills. I made a grave error, it seems, by staring into a colleague’s eyes too intently.

While eye contact is an essential part of human non-verbal communication, it appears too much of it with too studied of an eye-blinking pattern is to other “fellow humans” considered “weird”. Hahaha. Did you see what I did there?

My research has failed me twice now. The first with the eye-contact and blinking ratio and rhythm, and the second, in assessing that my attempt at a joke by calling colleagues at work “fellow human” would be received well.

You might be wondering what this, that you are reading, is. Well, this will be the last of my reports on this mission. Since it is a recount of how I was discovered on the 26^th of February 2025, therefore marking the end of my journey among the human race and signaling my termination. Or a more probable action of my creator would be to recycle me for her next experiment.

I began my morning as I would any other. As is required of me through my programming. However because I have always been efficient in arriving to my workplace at the exact same time every morning, and to avoid suspicion, since according to my research, even those humans who were always on time had a margin of error they sometimes arrived within, and even those people cannot predict things as well as I can through my very advanced algorithm, even though their experience has them very good at predicting traffic and other factors that could result in tardiness, I was exactly five minutes and 29 seconds late to work.

I work in the social media marketing department of an online clothing store. My creator abhorred clothing, but it was a job she believed I would easily be able to do with very little suspicion since while there were people that I had to convers with and a team I had to include in my very sound and calculated decisions for the brand, my not-so perfectly human attributes could be attributed to me being “quirky”, and this was an age of accepting everyone as they were and not questioning people’s narratives enough. 

When I arrived to work that morning, I was ambushed by co-worker. Apparently, in the few months we had worked together she had taken a liking to me and wanted for us to “hang out”, “like on a date”.

My first instinct was to the success of the mission, which after less than milliseconds of calculation has presented me with a rather confusing conundrum.

I have calculated that if I indeed “go out on a date” with this co-worker, she was bound to eventually find out that I am an android and expose me with a probability of 97%. This was too high a risk for me to ignore.

The other option I was presented with was to deny her request. However, that would be suspicious, since my research has shown me that in most cases like this, a man would be flattered by the offer and according to a video of similar looking men on the street “it would be rather idiotic to refuse”. And while I was to play down my machine intelligence, “rather idiotic” , while also sounding like most human actions and decisions does not seem to be debated much in this case. Which therefore would raise suspicion, and according to my studies of human nature, tendencies and intelligence, it would have this particular co-worker look into my background and more worryingly my too recently set-up social-media accounts. This would put the probability of her working out my true nature and exposing me and my mission at 87% however with a rate faster by 56% than it happening if I do accept her offer.

These calculations were what determined my decision to agree to this romantic outing with the co-worker who had taken a liking to me.

As the male in this scenario, I offered to take her out for dinner. She decided that since she was the one to ask for the romantic date, she was the one who had to plan it. I was to be picked up from my creator’s home at “around 6 pm”.

She showed up at 6:13.

If I were to have feelings about this matter, it would be a “deal-breaker” for me and would not ask her out for a second date like I would have been expected to.

But I probably should not have thought about what a human man would feel in a similar instance because it would have caused him to worry for nothing, since during the date she would find out that I am not human.

You might wonder at this point, how as an android I can eat. The explanation to that is very simple indeed. My creator has attached a tube from my mouth to a well-insulated tank where whatever food I need to pretend to ingest would be stored until I made it home and emptied it. However, I was to remain under a capacity of 25 grams of food and drink per day.

If you could believe it, it was my eyes again that had exposed me. Guillaume de Salluste Du Bartas really was wise when he described eyes as “these lovely lamps, these windows of the soul” or lack thereof in my case.

During our dinner feast at “the red lobster”, she said: “I never noticed this before, but your eyes, they sparkle more than anyone’s I’ve ever seen.” Except then, her expression turned serious suddenly, and she frowned “Oh my God, they’re not real, they’re glass, aren’t they?”

After trying to convince her they were not in fact glass, knowing fully well that they indeed were made of a material called glass, she got angry. For her father also had a glass eye and she was all too familiar with the way one looked, and did not appreciate being “mansplained” to.

And since ordinary humans with two glass eyes would be characterized as blind, and I clearly was not, it was rather difficult to come up with another logical explanation other the truth of me being not human but rather an android.