In the ocean somewhere

At thirteen a bee stung me and my mother barely got me to the hospital in time. So, you see, I knew what almost dying felt like. And it felt as cold as the water felt that day. The water was freezing and my heart was as empty as my head was full. Wishing to be alone I ignored every instinct in my rational body and didn’t called a diving buddy. And honestly, never before had I gone on a diving alone because that is just dumb, and im not dumb. Until I was.

That day had started with a stomach turning, heart squeezing fight with my wife. The kind of fight where everyone is wrong and no one means harm. Those that really hurt. Let me simplify three hours of shouting for you – she wanted kids, I did not. Now, okay, you must be judging us as a couple and being like “well you should have talked about it before getting married, don’t you think?” and yeah, you are right. We should, we did. But people change, people grow, people…people lie. Did she lie? Had she always wanted kids and just sat there waiting I changed my mind eventually? If so, then she only had herself to blame, right? And yet, blame was all I could feel as I attempted to drown these bothering thoughts in some cold pacific water.

I was an experienced diver so getting in the water was easy, the sea was calm and all was well. Even if nothing was. Because that is what the sea is to me, a different dimension where no earthly problems can touch me or my aquatic friends. So, I enjoyed almost an hour of watery bliss until things went downhill. Something went behind me and bumped into my oxygen tank. My oxygen started leaking rapidly. Too fast to make back to the surface, no matter how much my adrenaline pumped up body tried. And then I died. A quiet, accidental death. No witnesses, no crying, no air.

I knew what almost dying felt like, because that’s all you can really know. You are almost dying and then you are dead, just like that, no in-betweens and no afters. Or so I thought. But when I woke up of a slumber I didn’t choose to take everything was bright and everything was water.  My senses where in a echoing state, i felt like my body was trying to reproduce a melody that just couldn’t be played in this instrument. That melody was, I came to realize quite soon, being alive. I was emulating being alive when I was not alive anymore. Wait, I’m not alive anymore? – My brain starts to scream just as soon as my dead body starts sinking from the weight of the now empty oxygen tank. We all dread the idea that the afterlife is just a void, empty space. Well, I can assure you that is a void but it is not empty. Actually, the void is quite full. Full of fluorescent entities that looked just like sea creatures, if sea creatures where designed by your six years nephew instead of god. These colorful blurs where not disturbed with my presence as I was with theirs thought, and they just floated away with the currents as I stood paralyzed and overwhelmed.

Then, something brushed my legs and the touch was so light I almost missed. Before me the same eel that had taken my life, if we even can call it that, stood. Before me and around me, because it kept circling me which did not ease my panic. Blurred lines of neon colors around me and an echoing voice in my head.

“I am sorry. I didn’t wish to take your life”

Like a distant sound it's word filled my mind. What can you respond to that? What can you respond to a supernatural being? What can you respond to an eel? What can you respond to a supernatural eel minutes after dying?

“Am I dead?” – I try to talk but my mouth does not move, even if my thoughts somehow reach the eel.

“Yes.”

“Are you dead?”

“Yes.”

“This is afterlife? The ocean?”

“This is one of them.”

“But.. where is everybody? The humans?”

“There are human here, I have seen them.”

“Wait.. one of them? One of the afterlifes?”

“Those who die at sea stay in the sea – no matter what physical form. I do not know of those who die at land.”

“Do you mean to tell me that there could be an afterlife, like a different, human afterlife?”

“I mean to tell you nothing, only that I’m sorry.”

“Can I leave?”

“You can leave, the sea does not make chains out of tides. But I do not know what is to become of your spirit if you do so. Those who leave do not return.”

“I am dead, what is the worst thing that can happen to me?”

“You can cease to be. You are dead but you still are. The water is life, preservers our souls, I do not know if the outside does the same.”

The reality of those words were heavier than my physical body ever was. I felt trapped, I felt hopeless and I felt angry. The eel sensed it and moved away

“Don’t be ungrateful. The ocean gave you life when life was over, gave you new life.”

“What is it worth if I can’t be with the people that I love? Or any people at all for that matter?”

“You decide the worth. Am I forgiven?”

“I mean, yeah.. yeah. But, just..just explain to me how did I even see you when I was alive? How could you even damage my oxygen tank if you dont have a body?”

“There is no difference between alive and dead at sea. The tide carry us both.”

“But…”

“The souls are always there. The souls are always there.”

“O-okay. Goodbye then.”

The eel did nothing but swim away. I did nothing but stay.

So if you ever wonder where I am today,

You can find my body in the ocean somewhere.

Maybe even my soul.

Do eels lie?