Tears For No One

“This place is perfect,” said Felix Radman. We were driving to through Tegucigalpa, the capital city of Honduras. I wasn’t recording him this time. “Thieves, gangs, prostitutes, beggars, murderers. Drugs—so much drugs. Most of our drugs are exported from here, did you know that?” Where we were, jobless people slummed in front of weak, rundown housing units. Locals stared at us. “Government corruption, people carrying guns, more people fleeing the country. We can’t count on police here, not if we get randomly attacked or something. This trip was potentially a bad idea.” As soon as a kid laid eyes on our car, he took out his phone to call someone, his gaze fixed in our direction. An older guy called out to us. When we didn’t stop he ran after us for a little while. He probably wanted money. The car windows were down, and the locals could probably tell by the way we dressed that we had money. At least more than they did. “But that’s what makes it so perfect. What we’re doing, if it can work in a place like this, will go viral. I’ll be a star.” Felix rode shotgun. I sat between Candice and Travis in the back. Candice was sleeping, while Travis blew vape smoke out the window like he wanted to hit someone with it. Only Chris seemed nervous as he drove us through the narrow streets. He has yet to receive the blessing. “Jimmy Fallon appearances, book deals, maybe a movie cameo. Maybe even reality TV. I’m taking you guys to the top with me, of course. I’ll shoulder the burden of fame so we all eat well.”

“How do you know I’m not the real star of the group?” asked Travis. “I am the hot one after all.”

“You’re destined to be a judge on a C-ranked modelling competition,” said Felix. “And I truly believe you’ll fulfill your destiny one day.”

An old woman in a pink dress sat cross-legged against a wall, waving a paper fan. Watching the world go by. She looked tired. I looked away when I accidentally made eye contact with her. I started thinking about my grandma at that moment. Then her funeral, four months ago. Then Aunt Lucy yelling at me. 

“Why aren’t you crying?!” she snapped in front of everyone. “Everyone is crying except you. Don’t you love her? What is wrong with you, Rachel?”

I did not cry when I learned Grandma passed, and in truth I felt nothing at her funeral. I haven’t cried since I received the blessing last year. I thought I was getting tougher, but after Grandma’s funeral I realized I couldn’t cry no matter how hard I try.

I nudged Candice awake, then removed my Panasonic camera from my bag. It was time for me to record again. “Honduras is one of the most violent countries in the world,” said Felix. He turned his head so I could record the side of his face. He looked just as handsome in shades as he did without. So did Travis and Candice. That’s why they get camera time. “With all the gang activity, poverty and lack of education, it’s no wonder everyone’s lost hope.” I zoomed in on the people we were passing by. “But someone who hasn’t lost hope is Carlos, a subscriber who alone here in Tegucigalpa. Usually we do a lot of sightseeing when we visit someone’s hometown, but because of that thing called fear of death we won’t do a ton of that this time around. So instead we’re just going to find Carlos and, you know, change his life like we’ve done to so many before. Ain’t that right, guys?”

“Yeah, baby!” said Candice.

“Let’s fucking go!” said Travis. They hi-fived each other, then they hi-fived me. Their energy and enthusiasm no matter what’s going on has gotten us more average views, more subscribers.

Carlos Maradiago lived in a bad neighborhood according to Chris, who’s the only one of us who could speak Spanish and talk to the locals. He slept on a stained mattress thrown on the ground topped with a balled-up quilt. He was hungry, but didn’t bother opening the fridge because that meant having to deal with whatever’s causing the rancid odor in there. He commented on one of our previous videos how his mother took his nephew and two nieces to make the long journey to the United States after his younger sister and older brother were murdered. Felix’s was instantly sold on the idea of visiting him. 

“Oh my God, Felix Radman!” said Carlos when he answered the door for us. He was tall, with some gray in his beard. He had a polite demeaner and very kind eyes, making him the perfect sympathetic character to base a video on. He went to shake everyone’s hands, but Felix hugged him instead. Travis, Candice and Chris did the same. He gave us the tour of the house after that. I filmed every inch of discolored wall, and of damaged furniture, and of cockroach corpses that filled otherwise empty space. Felix asked him to recite his story for the camera after that.

We learned that his older brother, Miguel, was killed along with his girlfriend in an altercation with members of the Barrio 18 gang one night. His younger sister, Rose, was killed by her boyfriend, who’s still at large. Miguel left behind a daughter, Rose a son and daughter. Carlos managed to fight back tears.

“Your English is really good. I’m honestly surprised,” said Candice.

“I lived in the United States for a few years,” said Carlos.

“Where did you live?” asked Felix.

“Houston, man. A long time ago. The people were so nice over there. Met a lot of good people there, man. Had a few dates, stuff like that. But I was only there to make some money and come back to my country. I missed my family a lot when I was there.” His eyes trailed off. “It’s hard, ya know?” he said, maybe referring to back then, maybe referring to right now.

“Yeah, my guy, family. That stuff’s important,” said Travis.

After a pause, Felix said: “You ready for a blessing, Carlos?”

Carlos’ eye widened, his face beamed. He was ready for it. 

Felix, Travis, Candice, and Chris sat in a circle around Carlos. Everyone held a lit candlestick besides Travis, who held the tambourine because he wanted to be the one to play the tambourine this time, even though it didn’t matter who held what so long as three candles and a tambourine were in use. I stood just outside the circle, recording everything. I had a bad gut feeling about the whole thing that I wasn’t ready to address.

Felix started the chant: “HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO-HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO-HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO…” The other three joined in, with Travis slapping the tambourine to the rhythm. “HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO-HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO-HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO-HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO-HEE-YAH-WOO-WOO…" As they chanted, Carlos hopped on one leg. He kicked the elevated leg back and clapped his hands at the same time, then he kicked the same leg forward and clapped behind his back. He repeated this kicking and clapping for a minute straight while the chanting went on. Then the tempo increased—“HEEYAHWOOWOO-HEEYAHWOOWOO-HEEYAHWOOWOO-HEEYAHWOOWOO”—and Carlos switched legs and kicked and clapped faster for another straight minute. Then everything slowed down, became softer. “Hee. Yah. Woo. Woo. Hee. Yah. Woo. Woo. Hee. Yah. Woo. Woo.” 

The chanting stopped. The candlesticks were blown out. The tambourine was put down. Carlos stood there. They gave him the blessing. He received it. 

The whole world seemed to have fell silent. Then, finally, Carlos started to laugh. It was a laugh so warm and infectious that everyone else join him in it. I did not laugh. Not that I couldn’t, I just resisted the urge to do so. Something still bothered me about the whole thing that I couldn’t put into words, not even in my own mind.

“Yo, I’m not gonna lie, I almost stopped when you started all that kicking,” said Travis to a chorus of laughs. “In my head I was like ‘What the hell? Ain’t no one tried to kick me before.’”

“Hey, remember that Jenna girl who started crab walking?” said Felix.

“Oh, who was that one kid who was convulsing on the ground?” asked Candice. “I legit thought he was gonna die.”

“You mean Tyler? Yeah, that was scary for a moment,” said Felix. Then he looked directly at the camera. “Blessings don’t kill, kids. Remember that.”

“You guys, I think I might have pulled something,” said Carlos, holding his hand near his crotch. Everyone laughs at this. It amazes me every time I see it, how the blessing melts away all the worries and sadness and resentment in one’s heart.

“Carlos is taking us through downtown Tegucigalpa for some grub because we’re all famished,” said Felix. I managed to keep the camera pointed as his face while he spoked without tripping over anything as we all ventured on foot. “Apparently there’s a Burger King around here, which is wild to me that there are actual brands in this country that I know. Corporations are amazing, and I’m not just saying that because I’d let one of them sponsor my videos. Game recognize game, you know?”

When Felix didn’t speak, I filmed as much as I could of the locals and shops for some precious B-roll footage, until we spotted a Burger King, and Travis yelled at the top of his lunges “Bow down to the King!”.

As we ate there, Carlos guzzled down his king de pollo sandwich and papas to the point where I thought he would choke. But no one said anything. I just filmed and the others watched. Candice amused herself by feeding fries into his chomping mouth.

“Mom used to do this to my little sister all the time,” said Candice. “Like, I remember her and my dad having full on fights in the middle of McDonalds because Mom wanted to feed me large fries and Dad thought I was too little to each so much French fries. So after the divorce Mom would take my sister and me to fast food places, and I would hide my face in embarrassment when Mom would stick fries in my sister’s face like one or two fries at a time.”

“How old were you and your sister?” asked Felix.

“I was ten and she was two. And it’s so cringe because shit like that’s probably why my sister’s morbidly obese now, and my mom just thought it was adorable at the time. But now I’m like ‘Oh, okay, this is really cute,’” she laughed, staring at Carlos with her head cocked. Carlos, with his mouth full of chewed up food, put his hand under his chin and fluttered his eyes to garner laughs from the others.

“Can your mother be my mother?” Carlos asked Candice after swallowing to another chorus of laughs. 

Travis dapped him up. “See, Candy?” he said to Candice. “You always talk smack about your moms, but like I keep saying, she never let anyone hurt you. I would have killed for a mom like that when I was younger.”

“Mamá struggled to feed us, man,” said Carlos. “Papá died a loooong time ago, so she struggled to raise me and my brother and sister. We had Cappy chips for dinner most nights. It didn’t get better until we got older and started working. It was bad back then.” I listened for a hint of the sadness in his voice from earlier in the day, even though I knew there wouldn’t be any. I watched him carefully as I recorded his face for signs that he wanted to cry. But Felix’s blessing keeps people from crying.

“Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get,” said Felix. He and Travis exchanged jokes as we walked back to Carlos’s house. The sun was setting, which meant we needed to get off the street before we ran into whatever danger the night might bring. Chris was the only one who felt any sort of anxiety, however.

It was Travis’s turn. “I bet my friend five bucks he would drown in the lake. It was a bittersweet victory.” There was a pause after the laughter. “My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But that it just made her more upset. She screamed at me, ‘What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?’”

“What do you call a dad who never comes back home?” asked Carlos. “Dead in the street.”

“What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children,” said Travis.

“What do you call an average Honduran family? Refugees,” said Carlos.

“Will you miss them?” I asked, not in a joking manner, not caring if my voice will need to be edited out the video.

“What?”

“Will you miss your mom and your nieces and nephew?”

“Of course, I’ll miss them. I think about them everyday. I believe in Christ. I pray for them, for their safety. It’s been so hard on all of us after Miguel and Rose died. Those kids deserve better than this place, man. I don’t know why I didn’t leave with them.” He turned to Felix. He wasn’t joking anymore. “I don’t feel anything.”

“That’s the blessing,” said Felix. “It’s life. Life’s a blessing. It’s too short to worry about all the negative. You don’t have to worry about all that loss anymore, Carlos. Now you can just enjoy yourself, you know? Live and laugh.”

“But don’t I love my family anymore? I thought the blessing was just good luck or something. I don’t know, man, something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” said Felix. “You asked for the blessing. We gave it to you. We had fun. What’s the problem here?”

Carlos shook his head, moved his fingers through his hair, paced back and forth. He did this for a minute until he walked away from us in a direction we weren’t heading toward before. He didn’t seem to know where he was going, however, for he kept looking down and shaking his head.

Chris called for him to come back, probably because he knew his way around the area better than the rest of us. Candice did the same, but her tone seemed sarcastic, as if it didn’t really matter to her what happened to Carlos. Travis laughed and mockingly mimicked Carlos’s confused state. Felix gave me a dirty look, but I ignored it. Instead, I thought of grandma, then grandma’s funeral, then how Aunt Lucy yelled at me in front of everyone. 

We never saw Carlos again after that day.