The Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Heart

"I want to throw a mud pie at Valentine's Day!"

"Yes, that's me talking. I won't reveal my name. Just think of me as the "Little Red-Haired Girl" that Charlie Brown stares at from across the school yard. He drives me crazy with his wishy-washy personality. Why doesn't he just come over and say "Hi" to me? He is always looking down at the ground. He is gloomy and I absolutely refuse to send him a Valentine's Day card EVER! I won't give my name because I am adored by the ever dreamy-eyed, sickly-sweet Charlie Brown. I will have none of that because boys are "yucky" and especially Charlie Brown is "sickly-sweet".

I am a true Anti-Valentine Heart!

I am also a cartoonish kind of girl, so call me "Anti-Sweet". Anything but sickly sweet please!

I am starting my own Anti-Valentine Conversation Heart Stand at school to protest this Valentine's Day nonsense. Conversation hearts are small heart-shaped candies in pastel colors that have silly messages on them. They taste as sickly sweet as they sound.

I want to make my own version.

Instead of sweet, why not sour? Just like I am feeling. Sour and green with envy. Let's throw a mud pie on all that sweet milk toast type of fluff and start saying what we really are thinking about Valentine's Day?

First of all, I will need a staff to help me carry out a successful Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Heart. We will have a "think tank" to come up with some real doozies!

My "staff" consists of Schroeder, Pig Pen, Sally, Violet, Linus, Peppermint Patty, Marcie, Lucy and Franklin. The first meeting is this afternoon. We will meet at the bleachers after school I figure we have at least an hour to coordinate our objective: to make shocking Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Hearts. We can also decide on a price.

My staff files into the gym.

"Okay "think tank" give me some ideas!"

Pig Pen: My heart will say, "Eat dirt"

Sally: How about, "You are ugly"

Violet: I like, "You stink"

Schroeder: My heart will say, "Never you"

Linus, giggling: "Put a bag over your face"

Peppermint Patty: I will simply say, "You are my Anti Valentine"

Marcie: "I hate you"

Lucy: "Sour puss"

Franklin: "Mama's Boy"

"Great ideas. Can you describe what flavors you want the hearts to be? Keep in mind that we want to put people off, so use your imagination and be so Anti-Sweet and as ghoulish as you want! Have fun with it!"

Pig Pen: "How about Brussels Sprouts? My Mom always makes me clean my plate. Yuck!"

Sally: "Sour"

Violet: "Hot Sauce"

Schroeder: "Liver"

Linus: "Farts?"

Everyone laughed at Linus, but they all rejected that one.

"Linus, that is too far out. We will get someone really sick if we attempt that one."

"Okay, okay. How about "Pickle?"

"Much better."

Peppermint Patty: "Bologna"

Lucy: "Fireballs"

Marcie: "Tomato"

Franklin: "Goulash?"

"Let's nix the goulash, Franklin."

Franklin: "Okay, how about corn on the cob?"

Little Red-Haired Girl: "Not bad."

Okay, we have a good idea of the messages and the flavors. Now where can we sell our Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Hearts.

We can sell them in front of the school. We can ask for permission but leave out the part where it is an Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Hearts. What they don't know won't hurt them.

I am sure they will find out soon enough. Kids have a way of ratting us out fast.

"Let's all put our money together and go to the art supply store and buy some poster board and markers so we can advertise our mutual contempt for Valentine's Day Sickly Sweet Message. We now have our own stand. We can call it "Anti-Valentine's Day Conversations!" That will be a surprise, especially when they taste our concoctions!" The whole group laughs.

"We must keep this to ourselves for now. It will spoil the surprise for those sickly sweet lovers of Valentine's Day. "Oh how I want to throw a mud pie at those dreamy-eyed fools!"

Sally: "Calm down, you are overreacting. It's just a day, like any other day. You are letting this Hallmark holiday get to you just like Charlie Brown. Besides, Charlie Brown is my brother!", Sally remarks.

Little Red-Haired Girl: "Okay, I'll try to remain calm."

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A few weeks later

Little Red-Hair Girl: We set up a few tables and put up our Anti-Valentine's Day posters all over the school. We kept quiet. We didn't even tell our parents or siblings!

We arranged our Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Hearts by Color and degree of remarks. The price of the hearts are ten for a dollar. Don't want to make it too much or it might just backfire on us.

"Don't give out samples because it will destroy our message for Anti-Valentines Day. Just sell, sell, sell. Got it?"

"Got it?"

Marcie and Lucy sold ten bags of hearts. Linus sold one bag. Pig Pen and Schroeder sold the most, ten bags. Violet sold two bags. Peppermint Patty sold four bags.

About a half hour later, there was one really weird looking kid waiting in line and approaching the Anti-Valentine table. He seems almost like a comic book character.

Charlie Brown: "I love Valentine's Day so very much. I am sickly-sweet about this day. It comes in the middle of winter and Valentine's Day brightens my hope for a new love life. Maybe, just maybe, the Little Red-Haired Girl will say "Hi" to me."

Little Red-Haired Girl: "Oh brother, Charlie Brown, will you go away!

Charlie Brown: "Not until I try one of these delicious new Valentine's Day Conversation Hearts. It must be delicious because the line is so very long. I will close my eyes and pick the one my finger lands on."

Charlie Brown's finger lands on the heart that says, "Put a bag over your face."

Charlie Brown: "I demand my money back!"

Little Red-Haired Girl: "Sorry, no returns and no refunds. Didn't you read our sign?

"Happy Anti-Valentine's Day, you sickly sweet fool!", said a mysterious sweet and sour kind of voice that seemed rather familiar to Charlie Brown. The staff was amused and have been watching this exchange for about ten minutes and wanted to see how it would all unfold."

The voice behind the remark is a girl, rather cartoonish looking, almost like a comic strip character, she has red hair, which she was always fussing with and a smart mouth. She thinks highly of herself and she definitely hates Valentine's Day. She gets annoyed with her customer, Charlie Brown for being so sickly sweet and laughs at him when he reads his candy heart message but the worst part was when he remarked about the taste of the heart.

"I know that voice.", Charlie Brown remarked

"This heart is pickle flavor!", Charlie Brown yells.

Charlie Brown: "I'm going to sue you all for your Anti-Valentine's Day Conversation Heart disappointment. I know that voice! It's you Little Red-Hair Girl. I don't even know your real name. You know I have watched you from the other side of the school yard all year. You never say "Hi" to me. Nothing! My eyes are open now and I will put a bag over my face and walk away."

The Little Red-Haired Girl: "I don't want to tell you my name. Why should I?"

Charlie Brown: "You are busted. I am going to the Principal's Office NOW!"

Little Red-Haired Girl: "No!, Don't do that, Charlie Brown! I will cry and ruin my makeup and the texture of my naturally curly red hair! The Principal doesn't care what we do here at our Anti-Valentine stand because because he is a pickle puss!"

Charlie Brown starts to laugh. He reaches over and takes a bag of Anti-Valentine hearts and swallows the whole bag. He puts his hand over his mouth and dashes to the restroom where he gets sick.

I think we need to shut down our Anti-Valentine's Day stand now before we get into any real trouble. Charlie Brown is sick in the bathroom and who knows who else got sick. We don't need any more collateral damages. We can't afford a lawyer. It was fun while it lasted but Valentine's Day is over.

Little Red-Haired Girl: "Happy Anti-Valentine's Day, we had fun throwing a mud pie in the eye of you sickly sweet Valentines!"