A little girl searching

March 18, 2010

       I have finally decided to start a journal. I know most of my other friends have one and I didn’t want to be like all the other girls but I finally succumb. I am going crazy with all these thoughts running in my mind. I have no one to talk to, not my parents, not my siblings. So, you are it. My little black book.

       Let me start by telling you about the story of a little girl. She is timid and very naïve. She is scared to speak her mind but she is kind to everyone she meets. That little girl is no other than little old me. I have always been very shy. I didn’t know how to fight for myself until he came into my life.

       He’s the reason why I started you my little black book. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I feel stupid because I’m talking to myself.

March 17, 2010

       Hello, my little black book.

       Am I pathetic? I cannot contain my feelings anymore. I feel as if I’m about to burst. I talked to him again. We’ve been talking for several days now. He calls me Sunshine you know. He says I seem to be always happy. I didn’t tell him that I’m happy because of him. Let me tell you how I met him.

       It started when a friend invited me to check out this group. It’s a group on MSN. The members are all artists in various art forms. His work caught my attention because it was different. It called to the poet in me. He has beautiful masterpieces and I just couldn’t ignore it. I started following him until I asked for his permission to use one of his artworks as a subject of my poetry. He said he was impressed with my work. That’s how it all began.

       He is intelligent and kind. He doesn’t think I’m stupid for being naïve and ignorant about some things. He treats me like an adult and not as a kid. I told him I’ll be turning 18 soon but my family treats me like a 13-year old. But he said that’s how parents are.

       I think I’m falling in love with him. What do you think?

April 30, 2010

       Gosh, I can’t believe I haven’t written to you in a long time. I’ve been busy with school and applying for college. So much has happened. He helped me decide what to take up in college. He sent me one of his art pieces. It came yesterday via courier. It was beautiful. He says it’s me, or at least how he sees me. It’s a sculpture of a beautiful mermaid. It now sits on my study table.

       Yesterday for the first time we talked on live cam. I almost screamed when I saw him. His eyes are blue and he’s got the cutest dimples on both cheeks. I didn’t want to go live on cam but he said he wanted to see me. I tried to cover my face but he wouldn’t let me. He said I’m beautiful. Well, he made me feel beautiful. I showed him where I placed his artwork. We talked for more than two hours until I heard my older brother told me to sleep.

       I didn’t want to go to bed yet but he said we can talk again the next day. I was excited and tried not to show it but I immediately agreed to wait for his call.

December 23, 2010

       This will be the worst Christmas ever. I am angry with him. I ignored his video call last night. It’s all because of that woman. She joined the group a month ago and she’s been stalking him. I know I have no right to be jealous but I was. I cried myself to sleep last night. He sent me a private message last night.

       Why are you ignoring me? Have I done something wrong? I miss my Sunshine. Please talk to me. I will call you again tomorrow.

       That’s why I’m now sitting in front of my laptop, waiting for his call. I still don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how to explain it to him. His call came, I have to go now and talk to him.

December 24, 2010

       His call ended four hours ago but sleep still eludes me. It’s official, I am definitely in love. He asked me what was wrong. I didn’t want to tell him but he said he cannot mend our rift if I don’t tell him. I told him I was jealous of that woman. He asked why. I told him because she is older and more sophisticated. As I said this, tears gathered in my eyes.

       Do not cry my Sunshine. You are beautiful and adorable. Never for one moment, think that you are not beautiful. How can you not see yourself the way I see you? Do not compare yourself to others because you are one of a kind. Now, dry those tears. It’s almost Christmas and I want you to give me the gift of forgiveness. Forgive me if I have hurt you because I never meant to.

       My heart soared at his words. Of course, I forgave him. He really didn’t need to ask because he didn’t do anything. The problem was my jealousy and me. It’s the best Christmas ever.

March 05, 2011

       Hey, little black book. Sorry if I have been neglecting you.

       It’s one year today when I first met him. The past few months have been wonderful. He taught me so much about being confident and believing in myself. My friends are even commenting on this change in me. I think of him whenever I feel less confident about myself. Every day is an adventure with him. He taught me things and made me try them without fear or trepidation. I will do everything for him. I love him. I see my future with him, us, together.

       Do you think it’s too soon my little black book? Everything is perfect. I wish we can be together soon but he told me to finish college.

July 31, 2011

       I’m upset. I’m upset with him. I haven’t spoken to him in a week and I don’t know what’s happening. My stomach is churning and my family couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.

August 15, 2011

       I just got out of the hospital. I haven’t been eating and my body became weak. I was in the hospital for a week. I didn’t really care whether I live or not but I guess dying of hunger takes time to happen. I saw several emails from him.

       Where are you? Why have you been ignoring my calls? We need to talk.

       Another message reads:

       Sunshine, we really need to talk. You are making me worry. Call me.

       There were other messages. I decided to call him the next day.

August 16, 2011

       I want to die. I feel at my absolute worst. I knew he would be angry with me but I wasn’t expecting him to end things.

       Why did you let yourself get sick? I taught you better than that. I taught you to love and give value to yourself first didn’t I?

       I need to tell you something. I want you to listen and try to understand, okay? This will be the last time that you and I can communicate. I have learned to care for you so much but it must not continue. I cannot be with you because I am already with someone. I know I should have told you this sooner but you made me feel things I have no right to feel.

       Do not ever regret what we had because I never did. Do not think of it as time wasted and instead embraced the memory of happiness we had. With every winter comes spring. Just like every season, life changes. This is your season to learn how to love and let go of your fear. Every goodbye has its tears but never ever grieve over what you think you have lost.

       I want you to go on and continue to be happy. True happiness comes from within you and not from someone else. You were happy with me because you found happiness within you. I wish you can find the love you are searching for but you must learn to love yourself first. You will always be my Sunshine.

       He is gone. My heart is breaking, little black book. How can I go on without him? How can I live life without him? I want to die. I broke the beautiful mermaid he sent me. In my anger, I threw it outside my bedroom window and it’s now broken. I hurt so much.

April 4, 2020

       Hello, my little black book. I just finished reading you again. It has been 9 years since I last opened your pages. I can still see the pages where my tears fell and dried up. No, I didn’t die. I didn’t kill myself.

       I’m actually cleaning up this old room, my old room. I went away after he left me. My family never asked but they decided to move to another state so I moved to a new college. They knew something happened but I refused to talk about it. I’m here today to clean up because I’m selling this old house. My parents already passed away and my brother and I decided it would be best to sell the place rather than maintain it.

       I miss you my little black book. The last 9 years have been a time of learning and acceptance. I am happily married now to a wonderful man I met in college and I wouldn’t trade him for any other man.

       I never talked to him after that night.

       I was never able to say the things I wanted to say to him so now I’m going to say it. He may not read it but you, my little black book was witness to all that we ever had.

       Today I write to you for the last time. Not because I don’t want to but because I no longer have to.

       To my first love, listen as I whisper these words to you. The little girl you call Sunshine is all grown up. I have found life, I have found myself, and I have found love. Now I want to thank you.

       I want to thank you for teaching me to see the beauty that I never knew existed within me. For helping me find the courage and strength inside me. For making me feel how to be a real woman.

       I want to thank you for bringing out the real me and teaching me to accept things that I would normally resist. For helping me learn to trust myself and let go of my fear.

       Thank you for helping me taste life and what it offers instead of hiding behind my fear. For daring me to take on new adventures and promising to be there to guide me. I have loved you deeply and truly and dreamt of a future with you despite knowing that you can never be with me.

       I have learned to let go and move on. Memories of us are bittersweet moments but I want you to know I never had regrets. I followed your advice and used the memories of our time together to help me face the future without you.

       I am truly happy now. I have learned to love myself and to love others. There are still things that remain unanswered but the things I learned from you are clues to finding them.

       Thank you. Today I write the final entry to my little black book with all our memories locked forever. You will forever remain a beautiful memory.

       I smiled as I closed the pages of my little black book.