A certain darkness is needed to see the stars

I pinched the rough blades of the dry grass I lay sprawled upon between my fingers absentmindedly while gazing up at the Prussian blue sky dotted with twinkling stars, looking like tiny diamonds encrusted into it. I let out a deep breath and felt my body and mind relax further, the scent of nature engulfing me along with its natural sounds like the rhythmic chirping of crickets, which both added to the silence but also cut through it. I didn’t care that it was late at night and I snuck out through my dilapidated window, I didn’t care that there would now be bugs in my hair… I couldn’t breathe, and I needed to descend into the oblivious state of serenity that the dark night sky’s image put me into. The sight alone was like a tight embrace on a cool night, radiating warmth that seeped into your very being, putting it into a temporary ease that you never knew you could feel again after everything that’s happened to you. It would be all too soon that the bubble would burst and I would be pushed out into the cold again, but I didn’t want to think about that now, I couldn’t possibly think about that now as I was breathing in mother nature, and drinking in the dazzling sky, wondering if my mother could see me from above like how I saw the stars from below, whether she was now a celestial being herself, though she was already quite like one when she was on the surface of the earth, her beauty and brilliance blinding and ethereal, her compassion and courage unmatched. My head started to feel both free of thought as I lay unmoving in natures grasp, and also filled with it, as I wondered why it is that the most beautiful of things have to suffer the greatest damage. I wondered why an altruistic soul like hers was subject to a life of painful torment rather than triumphant joy, and why I had to lose her and face my own kind of torment as well. Was there something lacking in me, in my deeds, that I had to live with unresolved trauma, abuse and the piercing agony of losing what used to be my everything, my definition of home, my shield? And if I’m no saint, no angel, then what was lacking in her to make her part of such a vicious life, a cycle that her kids were also now trapped in? The thoughts swarming through not just the confines of my head, but also my very heart and soul, were like a merciless, raging storm in contrast to the tranquility of the empty park I lay in, and despite the excruciating thoughts and feelings clawing at me and scathing my being, I lay with a stoic expression, tears unable to form since I had become numb. I had become too familiar with the pain that latched itself onto me and refused to go away, so I allowed its darkness to consume me, mind and soul, so that I wasn’t afraid of the dark anymore. I wasn’t bothered by it, wanting it to go away, instead I welcomed it with open arms and wore it on my face, the smiles I used to once flash now ceasing to form, the tears that once flowed and calmed me down now replaced with just an ache, a lump in the throat and dagger to the heart that lasted for a second before I cursed my existence and moved on. I was all too familiar with feeling asphyxiated in my own house…no longer a home without her, or people that I could trust, and ran away like my life depended on it in the middle of the night to be able to breathe, before going back to the dread of my reality and forcing myself through another day, another day that I no longer looked forward to. It was a miserable routine, but then again, it was also interspersed with fleeting moments of something similar to happiness, like when I would be with my friends, or score well on a test, or dine out with my sister, or when on a random day my coffee tasted unexpectedly good, or when at night I would lay out here, thinking about the only being that once made me feel loved, about the splotches of pain and the fine lines of joy that painted the canvas of life, much like the burning stars that painted the canvas of the sky. In the end, it was an epiphany I would conclude my night with, a strong realization that yes, my life, like many others’, sucked and maybe it would continue to suck for a very long time before I could get a glimmer of hope, but there were still some things to be grateful for, to look forward to. Don’t get me wrong, I was angry, full of rage and grief, and cynical, I hated having to muster hope when it seemed futile, but a sliver of hope was the only thing that could turn my path of destruction around…I needed some hope even more than I needed the sky at night, if I were to believe that my life could get better. I stood up from the grass, dusted myself off and went back to the portal of my reality, with an aspiration that I could come back here the next night, if I lived, and maybe things would be better.

                                   ***

The woolen, knit Gryffindor scarf warmed my neck and acted like a comfy pillow as I lay in the bed of nature and stared at the stars, tonight fewer in number nevertheless mesmerizing as always against the deep blue midnight sky. As usual, laying here, I felt a sense of peace and calm wash over me but tonight it wasn’t a breather from the sadness that suffocated me, it wasn’t laced with underlying pain. Tonight, I felt genuine glee as I was done with another semester and had surprisingly done well in the exams. The last few days were a blur of me giving my blood, sweat and tears to the final exams, and I would sleep terrified as ever of what the next morning would bring, but like a gift from God, each paper was favorable to the point where even I was amazed. As my eyes took in the sky and my mind the recent events, I felt a bit euphoric at the thought of life heading somewhere, moving forward. Hope. I was closer to getting a degree, closer to a job, closer to better things. I couldn’t stop the genuine smile that crept onto my face and met my eyes as I thought of positive scenarios, the positivity igniting a burst of elation in my veins, or so I had felt, as my body felt lighter, as if a boulder was taken off my shoulders. I looked back up at the sky with a smile not wanting to leave the face it hadn't graced in a while and I noticed a single star twinkling right above me, and I wondered if she could see my smile too, and was smiling back. There it was before me, the sky that had seen my days of misery, my few days of contentment, and my other days of emptiness, and as I looked at that one star, I felt like she was always watching over me, that she had seen it all.