Happier with you

Tw: homophobia

I had always been “different”. People come and go once they notice. They call me weird and don’t want anything to do with me.

Why do they say such a thing? I’m just an average girl, a girl who just wishes someone will love me for the way I am.

Just hate that I care so much about people’s opinions of me. I shouldn’t and I realize very often how bad it is, but I can’t help it. Society wants men and women married with a happy family and I don’t want that. It’s so normalized that the world is so blinded where they forget everybody is different, everybody will not turn out the same. 

I just wish someone can expect me. Why is that too much to ask for?

I had never told people I’m interested in girls. It never came up into a conversation, so I never said much about it. I wanted to see how my dear friends would react. At school, I wasn’t popular. I had a group that I hung out with on some days. It was three girls, two of them were certainly close to each other and the other talked little. We didn’t hang out after school, but we were all still friends. 

That was until I had told them. 

I’m a simple person so it’s easy for me to trust people and I really care what people think of me. 

I remember when it happened. Me and the girls sat in our usual spot. They always bugged me and told me about their love stories and talked about which guy was the hottest in our class. I always felt uncomfortable about that. I didn’t want to hear about some boy they were in love with or some boy who they were simply just messing with. I hated listening to it. Every day I would end up leaving lunch early or something. 

It wasn’t only that, but I despised how I couldn’t be like them. Be what society wants me to be. 

Their giggles were loud. “Why do you never talk about your guy problems? Do you even like boys?” 

Hesitating, I didn’t know how to say it. “I.. don’t like guys” I had never said that in my entire life and I remember it so clearly. Remembering how much fear that I had on that day, I was on the verge of tears. 

Their laughter stopped as it went quiet.

“What? That’s so weird,”

“Come on, let’s go,”

I recall how miserable I was that every night I lay awake and asked myself, “Is there something wrong with me?”

When I first found out I was in middle school. I had feelings for some girl in my class. She was smart, beautiful and just an all-around amazing girl.. When I got to know her a bit more, I realized I did like her and it was more than friends. It was weird at first since I never felt this way before. The feeling was fresh out of the oven and it made me all fluttery inside and it was still there after weeks. I thought about her and everything. But because of these new feelings, I feared what she would think. I had told no one about how I felt. The feelings went away after a few years after she moved away and lost contact with me.

On the internet there were a lot of different people who shared their stories on how they found out. It felt comforting to see these people doing what they wanted with not a single care in the world; it was just them and their partner.

I wanted something like that. 

That year was hell. 

I never want to feel like that again. I lost my friends, and it seemed like everyone just wanted to avoid me. 

The two girls who I thought could be trusted told a few people, and it spread around school.

It was the worst time of my life. That school year I was so done with everyone. I came home and cried. I took way too many sick days off and it was all too much pressure on me. 

I ended up skipping school and some of my grades dropped. I had no one to talk to. Even my parents never knew what I was going through but when they saw how upset I was, they told me I can take a little stay home day. I was just glad that they never bugged me about boys. The only rule they wanted me to follow was to focus on school and then I can think about my love life. 

Eventually I focused on school more. Getting my grades up over the past couple of years. I spent half of my school days alone. The people who still knew the rumor would pass by me and point or just be flat out laughing. You don’t even know how much disgust they felt when I accidentally bump into one of them. 

I felt ashamed. Nobody should ever experience the things I went through. 

In my senior year, I met my sweetheart. She was stunning. I didn’t know her name or anything around that time. Our first meeting was when she bumped into me one time in the halls and I prepared to get lashed out on but it was nothing like that. They instantly apologized and smiled at me as their eyes met mine. It felt like when I had my first love back then, all fluttery and all the mushy feelings. It felt like I had met her before. 

One day she had taken the same art class as me. She came straight towards me when her eyes landed on me. That moment I realized that the girl who just sat next to me was my first love back in middle school. 

I had forgotten all my problems while I was with her. I was no longer alone. We ate lunch together, went to see movies, we did all of that. Getting closer to her I realized I did still in fact like her, but knew I still couldn’t tell her. 

I trusted her, but I didn’t want to make the same mistake twice. 

On the days without her, I longed for her. I know it was wrong to think of her in that way but I couldn’t help myself. I was embarrassed just thinking about wanting to kiss her. 

When she hung out at my place it was all I could ever think about. Never did I ever imagine that she would feel the same way as me. 

But she did, and it was the best feeling in the world. 

She had told me how during middle school I was the only thing that she thought of. She liked me and still does. She regretted not speaking at that moment, but she was also afraid. 

“Hey, don’t feel ashamed of yourself. Look at me, please.” Her sweet voice rang in my ears as I remember how I was so embarrassed that day. I cried like a fool just because I had someone that loved me, that cared for me. 

“Hey.. it’s okay. Some people in this world are cruel and disgusting, but some people are sweet and understanding. I get how you feel. Yes, we are different.. But different is good.”

“We should embrace who we are. Love is love and only you get to decide what you want in life, nobody else can.”

“Let's do everything together from now on. You can lean on me as long as i can lean on you.”

Her words stuck to me after all those years. I wasn’t alone. 

I felt happier with you. Every day was something new. She introduced me to different people and soon I felt comfortable enough to talk about how I felt to my parents. Having her by my side helped me the most. 

We took it at our own pace and did it when we wanted. There was nothing to rush because as long as we had each other, we could make it. We have all the time in the world. 

I realized not to rush coming out or anything like that. Go at your own pace. Make your own decisions in life. Don’t be what society wants you to be. Different is good and different is me, and I’m proud that I’ve come all this way. 

You were my first love and god I hope you're my last.

Walking out of our beach house, my wife squeezed our hands together as we walked along the beach as the sunshine lit up the ocean.