Other People

Text from John (2:03 a.m.): I think we should see other people.

Steph: That’s great! I’m so glad you think that. This takes such a load off my shoulders. Whew! (sweating emoji)

John: Wait, what?

Steph: I cannot tell you how grateful I am for you to say that. You're making my life so much easier.

John: How exactly?

Steph: I was going to say the same thing. I’d been practicing in the mirror, even. It hadn’t occurred to me to approach a topic like this via text. But I had even used chatGPT to see what the best verbiage would be. Still, I think it’s better in my own words. I already am seeing other people, so now I don't have to hide the fact. (kissy face emoji)

John: You’re doing what?

Steph: What you just said. Seeing other people. I have been seeing a few. (eggplant, eggplant, pussycat)

John: What do you mean “a few”?

Steph: Gosh, I know. I get it. “Few" is so vague. I think the rule is “fewer on your fingers,” right? I always forget the difference between less and fewer, but I know it annoys the heck out of my writer friends. That whole “ten items or fewer” b.s. at every grocery store. But I think a handful is more appropriately descriptive. A couple guys. A couple girls. A couple, well, couples. I think they call me a (unicorn emoji) (wink emoji)

John: Couples?

Steph: That’s a loose definition, I suppose. Swingers, you might call them. But maybe that’s too 1970s. Don’t go thinking shag carpet and fondue, okay? I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I still shave my (bush emoji).

John: Steph, I didn’t mean right away. I was simply suggesting we talk about the idea of not being so exclusive.

Steph: You didn’t say talk. You said, and I’m quoting you here (all you have to do is scroll up): “I think we should see other people.”

John: I know what I said. When I wrote that, I didn’t know you already were!

Steph: That’s what makes this conversation so perfect! It’s like we were on the same page before you even took the book off the shelf. (book emoji)

John: I don't know what you’re talking about.

Steph: You wanted to have an open relationship, right? That’s what you meant? Or did you mean we should see other people and not see each other anymore? Are you trying to break up with me? It’s kind of a lame move for a text, don’t you think? Who does that? We’ve been dating for 18 months, right? I thought we were more than a break-up-over-text relationship. But sometimes I get my signals crossed. (railroad warning emoji)

John: I thought you’d take this differently. I wasn’t expecting you to react like this.

Steph: Enthusiastically?

John: Quickly. It’s 2 a.m. I thought you’d be asleep. Are you with someone?

John: Are you?

John: Why aren’t you answering?

John: Steph! What the duck? (duck emoji)

John: I mean, (face with #&*@$ symbols emoji)

Steph: Sorry, I’m with someone.

John: So you were up at 2 a.m. doing??

Steph: What were you up at 2 a.m. doing?

John: Writing to you, obviously. I’m so confused.

Steph: Don’t be. You’re getting exactly what you want, aren’t you? Everything you asked for and more.

John: What’s that?

Steph: The opportunity to see other people. Above board. Everyone copacetic. No hiding. No secrets. No hurt feelings. No lying. No cheating. No breaking my heart. (broken heart with a bandage emoji)

John: I’m not sure if I want that now.

Steph: What changed between 2:03 a.m. and 2:17?

John: Everything.

Steph: I can’t imagine why. You were feeling all your feels, weren’t you? You were feeling you needed to maybe start seeing other people, perhaps specifically that woman who sells coffee in the kiosk in your office lobby.

Steph: with the blonde hair

Steph: and the tight-fitting body suits, especially neon

John: How do you know about Kiki?

Steph: Right. Kiki.

John: Nothing happened.

John: I’m serious.

John: It was totally innocent.

John: Can I call you? I hate texting.

Steph: No.

John: I can’t call you? Are you with someone?? Who is he?

Steph: They.

John: I’m coming over.

Steph: Don’t. Or do. Doesn’t matter actually. I’m not home.

John: I really didn’t do anything with Kiki.

Steph: Right. Just that one kiss.

John: How do you even know about that?

Steph: Does it matter?

John: Seriously, you’re blowing this up over nothing. Just a kiss. I mean, a few dates, I guess. You wouldn't even call them dates. I was curious and she was interested, and maybe I let things go too far.

Steph: And that’s why you sent me the 2 a.m. text.

John: Well it’s not like I’ve been messing around with couples! Not like I’m a unicorn, whatever the duck that means. Duck. Duck. Ducking. Duck Duck.

Steph: Neither have I.

John: What? You said that you were with all these different he’s and she’s and they's. That's what you wrote. I can quote you back to you like you did to me.

Steph: I’m here. At home with my book. My friend Marina saw you and the coffee wench and sent me a picture. I’ve never cheated on you, and I’ve never been part of a sex group or an orgy or a thrupple. Can you imagine? I guess, actually you can. But one thing is totally clear: I’m fine seeing other people. And even more importantly, I never want to see you again.

John: No, wait.

Steph: Blocking on all platforms in 3-2-1.

John: Steph!

Steph writing to Marina at 2:23 a.m.: Thanks, chica. The heads-up really helped me. You won't believe what happened tonight. He tried some truly epic gaslighting that I can’t wait to share with you tomorrow. I don't know what I ever saw in him. And if that guy Dave you told me about is still interested, I’m ready to meet him at the coffee shop.