With Love, To My Dearest Anya

In a world where they had convinced us that our love was worth condemning, we found each other.

The spring of 1959, our eyes locked. In your soft brown irises I saw an indescribable beauty. We never broke eye contact. Our eager eyes reflected into one another a timid attraction unbeknownst to us would blossom into an ethereal love. We met in your favorite season - Spring. You love Spring because it resembles new beginnings, fluorescence and ultimately hope. Even all these years later, your eyes light up at the word. To be exact, it has been 60 years since we first met that magical day. I have never left your side Anya not only because I am in love with you, but also because you awoke in me a hope I never knew I would need. The hope that one day you would remember who I am. 

I remember the day as if it was yesterday. Kaden had told me about Harlem’s hot-spot for drinking and dancing. My brother had always been a sociable ray of sunshine whereas I was quite content within the confinement of my shell. If mother and father were still alive, I’m certain they would’ve done everything within their power to restrict me from going but I thank the heavens I did go that fateful day. The Roseland Ballroom was popular among ‘colored people’ since it was the one place we could enjoy ourselves temporarily and dissociate from our harsh realities. 

Oh boy, was the ballroom scene bright. All the girls had on the most colorful dresses, pinks and blues and purples, matched with all sorts of accessories in their hair up-dos. Their faces beamed with delight as they lindy-hopped with their male partners - who respectfully wore the most unique zoot suits far from today’s choice of clothing. I stood shyly away in the corner, tapping my emerald kitten heels against the ballroom floor. Oh how I loved the music they were playing! Nat King Cole was centre stage rocking the mic. I would sway my red dress from side to side as if I was dancing but I could never muster up the courage to set my left feet on the dance floor. 

That’s when the angels came through and you appeared. You were wearing an intricate black dress. It was simple yet it complimented your skin tone. Your hair was delicately woven into a bun pinned back with a pink clip. I’m sure you were hiding your halo under there. I froze on the spot and a wave of nerves possessed me. Your heart-shaped lips covered in a light red lipstick parted to reveal a set of pearly white teeth. They spoke the words: ‘’ Now what’s a pretty girl like you doing in the corner?’’ We were only both merely 17 but I knew from then that it was true love. 

If only the 1950s were as progressive as today. Perhaps our society wouldn’t have done everything in their power to keep us apart. We were facing two hurdles. Number 1 was being black girls but Number 2 was the hardest of all: we were black girls in love with one another. 

Spring slowly blossomed into Summer. I tried to deny the feelings that were growing between us, but it felt as if all the time we spent together just compelled us closer to one another. Anya, do you remember all the time we spent together? Those were the best moments of my life. Lindy-hopping with you, and sharing honest conversations with you, and sharing clothes, even our makeup and just even being in your presence. All of those were the best moments of my life. Your parents thought I was just your best-friend but we both knew differently. 

The Summer of 1959 slowly crept into 1969 then 79. All the decades that had flown by proved exactly what we already knew. Our bond was unbreakable. Anya, you may not remember all of those years but I remember each and every one, so vividly. My favorite moment of all those wonderful memories would have to be July 1st, 1967. 

July 1st 1967. That day I will forever replay in my mind. The sky was painted in a vibrant blue hue, no clouds could be seen but the Sun could. The Sun shone down on us, beaming its rays against our skin. We had swapped shades. You were wearing my bright purple oval shaped ones and I your large orange ones. We were just laying there within the strands of grass, our particular spot because we could hide beneath the long strands, away from the world, concealed into our very own world. 

I remember we couldn’t stop giggling. You kept tugging at my dress because you couldn’t contain your laughter. It happened so fast. You leaned over and before I knew it, your lips were pressed against mine. Anya, how could I describe exactly what I felt in that moment? Unexplainable joy, love and ultimately serenity. Anya, I would give anything to go back to that day. I would give anything for you to remember me. 

Like all good things, our very own world had to come to an end. Kaden had always been one for drinking but if only I had seen the signs earlier, maybe what happened could’ve been prevented. It all happens so quickly. You can be enjoying all the highs the world can give you and before you know it, it's all gone. 

Kaden was driving, we were in the backseat, laughing as we did so often and attempting to paint each other’s nails as he sped through the midnight hour of Harlem. In one hand, Kaden was holding the wheel and in the other, a bottle of gin. That’s also a moment I will never forget yet so desperately want to.

We were so happy and we felt so free, none of us even saw the truck coming. I always thought the brightest light I had ever seen was the Sun, but that day, the blinding headlights of the on-coming truck proved to outshine. It happened too fast, the hospital couldn’t save either one of you. I lost the two people who had meant so much to me at the same time. 

Anya, the years have flown by too quickly and I still stay at your side anticipating the moment you wake up. The doctors say if you do wake up - which I know you will - you will have lost a majority of your memory, including your memory of me. I can’t imagine what is worse Anya, losing you or you forgetting me? I guess in both scenarios I would have lost you either way Anya.

I could never blame Kaden for what happened that day, God rest his soul. A part of me didn’t want to accept that Kaden had been an alcoholic, the same way my father had been. History repeats itself.

I learnt that in the worst way possible. 

I have lost my father, my mother and my brother. Anya I love you so dearly that I couldn’t dream of losing you too. Every day is a repetition of pain and I can’t remember the last time I have slept peacefully. You lay there frail in the hospital bed. Your eyes that once sparkled in their brown entirety are now battered sockets and your matte black hair is now short grey strands. Even though we have aged Anya, I still remember us as in our teen years. Jubilant and so full of life. 

I cannot hold your hand without mine trembling uncontrollably and tears filling my eyes, yet that will not stop me. Life on my end - if at this point I can still call it life - has been dreadful to say the least. I thought I found serenity within my shell but I truly never knew I could find serenity with you. Anya, I wonder with all these years that have passed where you have been? Perhaps this coma is just your brief visit to heaven. Have you seen Kaden? Have you seen my parents? Have you seen your mother? Anya, I can't imagine where you are. Your body lays weak in this cold hospital room yet I know your heart and mind are still alive. 

Anya, when you come back to me, and I know that you will, just know that I will be waiting with open arms. 

No matter how time has treated us, I only try to remember the moments when I still had hope. It’s coming on Spring, your favorite season Anya and I can’t help to think of what hope lies this season? Perhaps you will awake and you will remember me. That is my hope for this Spring. I can only now wait for you to come back to me Anya and I will wait.

Anya, you taught me ultimately what love truly is and the power it holds. You would laugh to see how old we have become. Oh we used to joke about this as teens but now look at us. We are still beautiful as ever Anya! 

I love you Anya. Truly and entirely, and I will wait till you come back. I have hope that you will awake, I am certain you will. I pray you don’t forget me Anya and all the memories we shared. All I can do is wait and have hope. So I write this with love, to my dearest Anya.