Awake

“There you are, cookie” He startled her.

She hadn't noticed him as he entered her realm. Ellie had been absent minded lately and now she had been consumed by her childhood, brought by a stroll down memory lane from the collection of lost youth stored away in her parents garage. She felt eight years old again, trying to remember the names of her monchichi's that had been so extremely important to her. Now their housing was a plastic container suitable for a life in retirement. She had forgotten that she had had so many of them, so much junk, why was it still here?

Ellie really hated the nickname her father had given her, cookie, but somehow it felt very comfortable now, under theses circumstances, hearing him say it.

“You really should be getting back to entertaining our guests, before they send out a search party to retrieve you back from the past.” Dad chuckled, through his thick beard.

She recollected how he had in her childhood stuck googly eyes under his nose, bringing his beard to life, becoming the cookie monster, and while running after her, huffing and puffing: “Om Nom Nom Nom, cooookie!” Once even knocking over a vase in his chase. Her mother wasn't pleased with that at all, still they had laughed themselves silly.

Later in life, becoming a teenager she had been ashamed of him, avoiding having friends over, exhaling a distressed sigh and rolling her eyes every time he called her cookie. It was every teenagers nightmare.

She felt the compassion in his voice now, beneath the silliness. The overwhelming remorse of ever been embarrassed for him filled her with repulsive guilt. She loved him dearly. Despite that, she felt she hadn't expressed her love and gratitude enough. She knew, he knew though; well she thought he knew at least. It was palpable in their connection.

“You know, I once considered dyeing my beard blue, for our cookie monster act”, it was like he had read her mind, their connection was so good.

“But your mother had a no go on that, it was probably for the best, I would have had difficult time explaining it to my co-workers”, he rolled his eyes, like she used to, and pointed his head, back to the house where his colleagues now were stuffing their mouths with deviled eggs and sandwiches.

He put a shy face on and stuck his tongue out at her.

“Ha, you are weird dad.”

“yeah, takes one to know one”, that was his usual comeback line.

Ellie smiled at her dad, giving him the old innocent big eyes stunt she always pulled when asking him for something as a child. It always melted his heart.

“Dad, do I really need to go back in there; can you just stay with me here for a little while?”

Dad smiled back, nodded and muffled something through his Ned Kelly beard.

This part of the garage had become a museum of memorabilia, she really hadn't noticed this before. Her childhood was tugged away into various sized boxes all labelled with her name, a brief word of content and sometimes even a date. The garage had two units of shelves dedicated to Ellie, displaying her presence from birth until she left home. All in linear order. This was so weird. She had never seen this before and it had made her really emotional. For the last couple of years, the only times she had been into the garage was to help dad get the Christmas decoration. The garage was his kingdom in the house.

“Dad, really, why do you keep all this?”

“It is important to keep acknowledging you past, it is the path which had led you to who you are today.”

Dad, still couldn't let go of his parenting; she would always be his little weird cookie.

They both stayed in silence, lingering in their mutual smile.

“Hey kiddo, do you remember this old Muppet”

Dad, had gotten hold of Ellie's old Stiga sled from a top shelf. It had a thick piece of masking tape across its seat and marked as “The Chef”.

Dad huffed through is beard in a BBC documentary voice:

“A true family favorite: The Chef is built with sturdy steel frame making it an appropriate two person ride, with its flexible steering due to a single curved front ski, and twin skis at back, creating a swift and smooth racer. In addition it comes with a safety of brakes and a tiny string. Advertised for a functional pull back up the slopes.”

Dad lifted the chef high with his right hand, it was dangling lifelessly by his side like a trophy fish.

“...and it's the pride from Sweden!”

Then he gurgled and huffed “bork, bork, bork!” They looked at each other for a couple of seconds and burst out laughing so hard that they both had tears in their eyes.

“Hey come on cookie, lets take the old chef for a spin”, he had youth in his eyes and a teasing grin.

“Oh dad, is that wise, ha-ha, what about the guests?” Ellie asked between burst of laughter.

“I think they can manage a couple of minutes without us, just don't tell your mom, come on kiddo!”

Ellie, pushed the button to the garage door, and while they changed into appropriate snow boots the scenery flooded into their view. It had been snowing a lot lately, finally. A delightful change from the snow less holiday season. Now a thick blanket of comfort wrapped in the neighborhood.

While the door slowly opened up the landscape for them, dad, in his silly manner, mimicked the opening of “Also Sprach Zarathustra” with his deep voice:

“Daa, daa, daa, tadaa, bomm, bomm, bomm, bomm.”

Swaying slowly with the rhythm as he got into his snow boots by the doorway.

The view from the garage was magnificent, the fragile nature of upcoming change all hidden beneath a cosmos of glitter. It was a strange new world, a world to to explore, conquer and boldly go where no father and daughter had gone before.

Dad got his pipe out, fiddled it and looked at it for a while, a slight set of shame flickering throughout his expression. He packed some tobacco in, lit it and sat down on the “The Chef”.

“You pull, you owe me! Let's leave this monolithic party and be silly for a while.”

He mumbled something more through his forest of beard that Ellie didn't catch, then jabbing down the chimney and exhaling wisdom. “Choo-choo”, three Columbus clouds of smoke steamed out of his pipe.

He seemed so happy, Ellie hadn't seen him like this for ages, at least not since after his illness. He seemed to be himself again. It was their moment. Ellie had detested the smell of the tobacco for so long. Seeing him all happy on the tiny sled only brought comfort and the tobacco smell had instead become a pleasant memory of her childhood.

Ellie started to pull her dad the short distance to the slope.

Her parents had lived all her life on the top of the hill, in the end of a one way street, having an overview of the valley laid before them.

It was chilly, Ellie hadn't even gotten her overcoat, because it was in the hallway; she didn't have time nor desire to get it. She was happy, there was no need to go plowing through all the gloomy guests. They had a more important mission.

As it was getting darker the lampposts lit up the snow, a frozen wasteland of stars arose for them to push through.

They left the murmur of their guests behind, no one had even noticed their elope, it would have been a humorous sight for a sore eye, Ellie pulling Thomas the tank engine, leaving behind a trail of blueish smoke and a distant giggle.

The snowflakes were getting thicker and dropped ever so slowly to the ground, almost like time was about to stand still. They had arrived to the top of their hill. Darkness engulfed them but the falling crystals illuminated their path. It was a beautiful view, nature displayed as a painting from some famous impressionist.

Everything was still. Ellie breathed in, held the world in her lungs and exhaled happiness.

Deserted trails had been left down the hill where other explorer had scythed through their adventures, there was no one else around now, nightfall was ahead. The neighborhood kids had all gone home, eaten their dinner and were probably tucked away, reaping their created memories of today, to make room for upcoming dreams and the yearning of growing up, becoming independent and free. It's funny how everything changes with age. The older you get, the more you long for your childhood, the parental security and its protection from a grim world.

This was their moment to regain it, even though it was just a hasty travel through time on a sled named the chef.

They must have looked hilarious, if anyone had seen them. A fragile old skeleton of a man, with a shabby face, making train sounds on a sled between bursts of laughter and choo-choo sounds. Equally weird, the man being pulled by a tear eyed, chuckling, grown up woman, dressed in black, elegant woman's suit, accessorized with massive, pink moon boots.

Balancing on the top of the hill, Ellie gazed to see if she could make out the end of the slope. It was buried in darkness. The only observer was the watchful eye of a blueish full moon gazing impartially down at them. The occasion called out for a flock of Cinderella birds singing show tunes, consuming every doubt of what they were about to do. There were no birds around. Ellie spotted a black cat hissing aimlessly under a fully white dressed fir. Maybe he had eaten all the birds, was that an omen? What was she thinking, they were to fragile and grown up for this. This was not safe, no one even knew that they were out here; however they needed this, to settle the sentimental urge to go back to younger days. Feel a final heartbeat in their buried connection and to breath life once again into their lost love.

Dad, sensed her insecurity, he always had. He got up with a grunt, and with a smooth motion hugged her close, filling her with the much needed affection and confidence. He took her by the shoulders and steadily placed her in the driving position on the chef. He then dropped his shallow body behind her, still with his pipe clenched in his mouth. He let out a cloud of a sigh and shouted:

“Well you scruffy-looking nerf herder, are you gonna dwell here all night, lets punch it!”

As on an impulse, Ellie reacted by pushing them forward, down the hill shouting between her chuckles: “Strap yourself in, I'm gonna make a jump to light speed!” She giggled.

Dad growled in an acceptive response with his walrus impersonation and put his arms around her. He held her so tight she could feel his compassion and warmth entering her; filling her whole existence. The snowflakes hurled around them, stars passed by with the speed of light. Time moved with her heartbeat, every movement, and every turn was made in synchrony, they had become one. They didn't need words. The hill and snow raced towards them, Ellie steered effortlessly around series of moguls, avoiding the asteroids, occasionally jumping one; with the immediate response of a choo-choo or a cough attack, always leaving a trail of puffy clouds.

Increasing speed brought floods of memories, fragments of happiness whirled by. It was like they were cuddled down and embraced by their old family couch on a Saturday evening, flickering through the television channels of her life, roaring through space of moments past. Each segment bringing a bliss of happiness. The memories of childhood.

The adrenaline kicked in, and between laughter and tears, she felt alive, she had not felt so alive in ages, it seemed that even years before his diagnosis she had already been dead inside. Finally she felt alive and free. She was eight years old again, time travelling with her dad, she felt secure and happy. She knew each turn of the slope after her inner child's existence of detailed observations and infinite expeditions with dad.

She was awake!

The hill echoed of shrieks and shouts; voices of past braided into their instance. This was not a single ride, this was all Ellie's accumulated sled drives in one ride with her dad. A nostalgic and euphoric bliss.

Previous explorers had build a big platform at the end of the hill, it seemed huge and Ellie aimed at it; a perfect finally.

“I'm going for it!”

Dads response was a single “whoopee!”, which immediately after their take off, turned into “Not so high! Not so high!”

They flew high, oh so high; she imagined their dark silhouette against the full moon. Its impartial glare turning into a howling laughter. A symphony of sounds held them high, they were surrounded by harmony, hanging on every note until none was left.

The sled fell down with a thick thump, they tumbled around in the fall like a couple of cowboys diligently shot down in a showdown. They rolled in an embraced laughter.

Tears were streaming from Ellie's eyes, tears of joy, tears of loss, tears of happiness and sorrow. She was still eight years old.

“Are you alright dad?” she asked, looking up at him as he stood erect, young and clean shaven, like on his wedding photograph, years before Ellie was born. He was tall and strong.

“I am”

He smiled at her, “and so are you, cookie.”

His smile was wide and radiant.

“I miss you”, she stuttered between the gasps of her tears.

Dad kneeled down next to her in the snow, kissed her forehead and put his palm over her heart.

“I'll be right here”, his eyes smiled like the brightest of stars.

The flickering snow roared, twirled through him, and without hesitation liberated him peacefully away into the glowing twilight.

Ellie sat for a moment absolutely still in the snow. With cold tears on her cheeks, she whispered her goodbye to the dancing shadows and stood up. Painted on her face was a humble smile.

It was time to get back to the memorial service.