Happy Birthday!

This piece contains satirical and stereotypical mysoginistic and racist reference.

Dear Sue,

Just a quick note to say how much I appreciated the table cigarette lighter you got me for my birthday. You don’t often see them any more. They’re practically antiques now that everyone has gone over to vapes. Of course, we haven’t been in touch for a while so you weren’t to know that I’ve resolved to give up smoking. No matter, it’s a very nice decorative piece and should come in very handy for what Gerry got me … if my resolve slips at all. You never know.

Gerry! Hi!

When did you get out? I had no idea. You should have rung. I know you’ll be a bit skint at the moment so it was extremely thoughtful of you to have remembered my birthday. Although I doubt that you should have opted for what you have sent given your recent time away, much as it is appreciated. It is what I think it is, is it? Those were the days, eh? It was very thoughtful to have sent the Rizla machine as well because you know what my OCD is like - everything has to be absolutely symmetrical. Good to hear from you buddy. We must meet up. Pat was asking after you. Well … not exactly asking after, so much as enquiring about … with narrowed eyes I have to say, but you know what she’s like so I wouldn’t sweat it mate.

Hello Pat,

Always a pleasure to make contact Pat, and thank you very much for the … present. I never know how to take you creative types - you arty farty people are all the same - a bit too deep for me but it’s nice to know that you think I have the imagination to keep up. I’m sure I’ll figure out a use for it eventually. Anyway it is very … striking. Speaking of which, did you know Gerry was out? But I wouldn’t worry. I did say you were enquiring about him, so I think he’ll take the hint. Tony sent me something this time! There’s a turn-up. But I expect you had a hand in it somewhere.

Yo Tony,

What a surprise! And don’t try and say Pat didn’t remind you - I know you too well, mate! Anyway, it’s great that you took the time to get me anything at all. And it’s certainly got your style all over it - we never did have the same taste did we? I’ll wear it next time we’re down the pub. I’ll be the one with the … well, you can’t miss it can you? You’ll probably see it before you see me! I’ll drag Terry along as well - he could do with taking out of himself at the moment.

Hiyah Terry,

Nice of you to think about me, especially in the circumstances. Still, you must have seen it coming years ago. I always thought she was a flighty piece if you don’t mind my saying. Well rid if you ask me. At least you can play the field again. Still, perhaps you weren’t quite thinking straight when you bought this maybe? Not that I’m not grateful and all that but perhaps a plain brown paper envelope might have been more suitable than wrapping paper? Jill almost opened it for me - you won’t believe the amount of presents I’ve had this year and she was giving me a hand to unwrap them. I hate to think what might have happened if she’d seen it. She’d probably have joined your missus wherever she is. Anyway it was very thoughtful and should provide some very… informative … reading up in the Man Cave. I’ll be in touch. We’ll have a drink with Tony. I should bring some sunglasses, though. 

Speaking of which, Wayne has shown his face again - and he’s still sporting his shades, apparently. He even sent a gift this year.

Wayne, my man!

Where have you been bro? Not the same place as Gerry I hope. No, just kidding. I know you’ve been abroad. Thailand, wasn’t it? Still, what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand, no? Or does it? Someone told me that they’d seen you downtown with this cracking Asian girl. Dark horse! You didn’t think to bring one back for me? Heaven forbid! 

Anyway, this gift you did send. Thank you, but I can’t actually see myself using it, you know? Perhaps that one was better staying in Thailand. Luckily, I’ve got space in the Man Cave to keep it out of sight … if not out of mind. It’ll keep Terry’s present company. Anyway, thanks again, and if your Asian lady needs company I’ll put her in touch with Mei Ling. I know she’s a bit homesick.

Dear Mei Ling,

Me thank you for plesant. It velly nice. Me rike a rot. It velly … Chinese. Me know you no leed Engrish velly vell, so excuse me liting Pidgin. Me hope you vell. Say ‘herrow’ to Michael.

Hi Michael,

I asked Mei Ling to say ‘herrow’ … sorry ‘hello’ for me but I realised I hadn’t yet thanked you for your present so, ‘Herrow’ and thank you (you’ll have to imagine the courteous bow but it is offered, believe me). You really scored in bagging Mei Lin you know - you’re a lucky man. And so am I. I know it’s a milestone birthday but you didn’t have to go so far to commemorate it. You won’t believe the number of presents I’ve received this year, but yours is by far the best and, if I’m honest, the most comprehensible. I’m blessed with a wide variety of friends with an even wider variety of tastes and to have them all want to remember me at this auspicious time is, quite frankly, humbling. Get Mei Ling to contact Wayne - he’s got a girl from Thailand at the moment and the two of them can have a good old chinwag about dragons and rice paddies or something. Thai is much the same as Chinese, right? It’s all Chinese to me.

Thanks again Michael. Just off to sneak a quick peek at Terry’s gift this year. Here’s to the next.