The Warming Effects of Chocolate Cupcakes

It had been a hell of a week. There were exams, projects, and homework up the wazoo, and by the time she got to Thursday night, Emilia’s brain was royally fried.

           She stared up at her ceiling, headphones blasting her On Repeat playlist in her ears at it diligently had for the past two hours. Her week was over and all the stress was gone. Sitting up, Emilia opened her laptop to put on a movie to settle down with when her grades popped up on the open tab.

           Her heart stopped.

           A zero?! How?!

           She took off her headphones and clicked on the grade. It was a quiz that she was supposed to take yesterday, but in the chaos of everything, she forgot.

           Shit.

           She could feel her breathing start to get labored and her skin felt like it was being licked by flames.

           Shit, shit, shit. I was doing so well this week. I had my shit together. I thought… I thought I was doing so well.

           Unshed tears started to burn her eyes as her sight went fuzzy. Her head felt detached from her body and she couldn’t stop the restless fidgeting of her hands and feet as prophetic images danced in her mind. Images of her failing the class and not going into her dream career and having no one to blame but herself. She was going to fail this class not because she didn’t understand the information, which is understandable to her, but because she couldn’t get her damn shit together for one freaking minute.

           Stupid, stupid, stupid. I hate this. I hate everything. I hate myself.

           At this point, she had long gone down the spiral that was steadily eating at her. Emilia knew this would all seem better once she wasn’t exhausted from sleep deprivation, but just for the night, she saw no other option but to wallow in misery and self-reprimand.

           Many minutes of deep breathing and pacing later, she finally started to calm down.

           Fine. This is fine. Everything is fine. I’m fine.

           The panic-induced white noise in her brain started fading to just a dull roar as she mentally listed all the things she could do in the future to make up for it. Eventually, she no longer felt like she wanted to drive away from college and never come back. After a few more deep breaths, she was still a tad shaky, but she was better.

           There’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’m just going to do something else and force those feelings of needing to scream into an endless pit down. Yeah. Good plan, Emilia.

           She walked into her dorm’s kitchen and looked through the cabinets, bored with what she found. That is, until she opened the one with her baking supplies. She hadn’t baked in forever and while her health may thank her for it, she missed the feeling of creating something so beautiful and joy-inducing out of just basic ingredients. She missed the feeling of control that came with it and right now, she needed to have some semblance of order.

           Music now blasting again in her headphones, she flipped through her phone until she found where she kept all her recipes from over the years. Scrolling down, she passed one that she hadn’t made in a while. She clicked on it and gathered the ingredients needed.

           As she whisked the flour and sugar, delicately folded in the eggs, stirred the rest of the ingredients in, and threw the batter into the oven, she came one step closer to being calm. No one else was home or going to be back for a while, so she unplugged her headphones and danced out the built-up energy while cleaning up and waiting for the cupcakes to cook.

           The oven timer dinged and she opened the door to find perfectly barely-browning cupcakes. She stuck a knife it to make sure they were thoroughly done and once satisfied, she pulled them out. As they sat on the stovetop, their decadent smell wafted through the kitchen.

           Enjoying the scent of chocolate and mint, Emilia let the smell take her back to when she first made them. It wasn’t a special or unique recipe by any means, but the story and feelings behind it more than made up for that.

           Two years earlier, she hadn’t been in a good place emotionally or mentally. She had a rather nasty but unspoken falling out with people whom she thought were going to be lifelong friends. Turns out “Best Friends Forever” really means “Best Friends Until I Graduate and Never Talk to You Again.”

Then one day, one of the girls in the group she went to Prom with reached out. They had known each other a while but weren’t especially close.

What the hell. She wants to hang out? Why not?

So, that afternoon she went to Renee’s house. The two girls caught up and before they knew it, they’d fallen into the beginning of what would become the best friendship Emilia ever had. They talked easily throughout the afternoon and well into the night. Renee asked if she just wanted to stay the night and Emilia immediately agreed. For the rest of the night, the two laughed, shared stories, and made mint chocolate cupcakes using the exact recipe Emilia was using tonight.

Inhaling the delicious scent, she couldn’t help the smile that inched its way onto her face. It was the first real smile in a week. She let the scent wash over her and as she reminisced in the memory of that first night, the first time she ever felt this cared about (including times with her old “friends”) despite barely knowing this girl, she felt her soul start to warm up from the cold, empty feeling of before.

As the cupcakes cooled, she whipped up a batch of chocolate buttercream frosting (way better than canned) and scooped it into the piping bag. In flawless swirls, she topped the little cakes with the creamy, chocolatey goodness. There was something so satisfying about a cupcake made to perfection.

After snapping a picture and sending it to Renee with a caption that read “Throwback Thursday,” she bit into the gorgeously rich and moist treat. The taste filled her heart as more memories from the night she gained her first real friend continued to trickle in.

Later, once she finished munching on another while finally watching her movie, she felt the sadness seep back it. Not because of the quiz, she would stress about that in the morning when it didn’t look so bad. No, this was a different sadness. A lonely sadness.

Back home, Renee had introduced her to all her friends and they easily and quickly accepted her. Within a summer, she gained the love of five incredible people. Yet, up at college, she was all alone. Three hours away from most of the rest of them and Renee in an entirely different state made hanging out hard. She loved her college and was glad she was there, but her on-campus friend supply had run low. She missed doing dorky things with her friends, watching old movies and laughing at ridiculous scenes, getting take out or pizza and simply enjoying each other’s presence. She missed their hugs at the end of the night and feeling the immediate comfort that came with being in the arms of someone you know cares about you.

The movie continued to play, but she had long stopped paying attention to the plot. Emilia now felt cold and aching for a hug. Her arms felt bare despite the cozy sweatshirt covering them. So, she grabbed some more blankets and threw them on her bed, piling them on top of herself to create a mini cocoon. Snuggling down into the blanket pile, she started flicking through photos on her phone. As she kept scrolling, she could feel her heart grow warmer at all of the memories that came with each. She looked at the now-empty wrapper on her nightstand.

So what if they’re all hours away? I’ll see them when I come home. Until then, I will have memories, cupcakes, and the knowledge that they love me to hold me tight.