A Clucktime Paradox

The following story is from the ninth book of my Joseph 3-in-1 Superhero series. I adapted the beginning to fit the prompt. It has been published already, so I'm not entering it into the contest but just posting it for free.

A Clucktime Paradox

"Cluckendary poultry heroes are the worst! Oops, I got off on an angry rant there. I need to recompose myself. Okay. Hello, I am known as the Gallus Cuisinier. I am a brilliant inventor with a dream of eradicating all poultry on Earth. Unfortunately, my plans of poultry conquest have been foiled more times than I can count by the wretched hero called Chicken Man. I have time and time again tried to bring about his demise, but he always manages to outwit and out-maneuver me. Oftentimes I have thought that if time could just stop for everyone but me, then I could finally get the upper hand. Unfortunately, such a thing only exists in poultry-fiction movies, or so I thought. 

You see, I recently had a eureka moment. Henlight Savings Time for the spring is today. Also, thanks to a recent petition signed by the High Chicken Council of Avesopolis, the change occurs at noon instead of the middle of the night. They did this to give egg-laying hens one less hour of work today. This means that the hour of 12:00pm-1:00pm is lost, as if it didn't exist. However, I have discovered a way to visit this "lost" hour. Doing research on the space time continuum, I found that this lost hour goes into the recycle bin of the continuum, and that the moderators don't get around to emptying it until the next day. I therefore hacked their system a few days ago and secretly installed a squawkdoor to get back in later. All I have to do is recover the hour from the recycle bin and send it to myself as the only recipient via henmail. I've coded info into the cluckylink that will direct for only me to be transported into the lost hour upon clicking the link."

           The Gallus Cuisinier finishes his entry in his Memoirs of Evil journal.

           "I will also allow my fellow villains here at the PJA (Poultry Justice Association) to partake in the delicious feast that is soon to come!" remarks the Gallus Cuisinier. "It's a good thing I invented this portable wormhole. I programmed it to suck in everything except true villains to poultry kind, so this PJA building and all the poultry officers will be sent hurtling to another dimension!"

           The Gallus Cuisinier tosses the wormhole generator on the ground, and in a chaotic rumbling, the building and the poultry officers sink into the hole, which then quickly closes up after them. The energy emitted from the wormhole also shatters the chicken crystal v 3.0 that Chicken Finger Guy is entrapped in. All the villains cheer on the Gallus Cuisinier.

           "Thank you! Thank you, my fellow villains, you are too evil!" responds the Gallus Cuisinier. "Now all of you should make your way to Avesopolis. You are in for quite the treat!"

           The mob of villains rushes off into the distance, excited to see what this mysterious treat will be. Meanwhile, the Gallus Cuisinier whips out his laptop, retrieves the lost hour, henmails it to himself, opens the henmail, and clicks the link.

           "Mwah ha ha!" he cackles as strange cyber energy swirls about him and space time itself bends over backwards as he's sucked into some kind of bizarre time vortex.

           Meanwhile, Joseph, our beloved Chicken Man, is enjoying the annual Hen Fest at the town square in Avesopolis. Currently, he and his dear friend Hen-rietta are at a table enjoying some savory popcorn slugs with creamy maggot sauce to dip them in as well as a side of decadent cream of worm soup.

           "Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm!" Chicken Man happily sighs. "They really outdid themselves this year! These popcorn slugs are so incredibly juicy! The juiciness just bursts open in your beak in an explosion of flavor! And this maggot sauce is absolutely divine! It's super fresh and obviously organic. The maggots are still alive, which makes for an extra zesty flavor and quite the exciting sensation as they squirm down your throat!"

           "I just can't get enough of this cream of worm soup!" exclaims Hen-rietta. "They obviously only used the choicest and fattest worms. And it's nice that they didn't blend it up completely so that there's some hearty worm chunks to savor!"

           Just then there is a flash of light. Hen-rietta is no more and has been replaced by a neatly prepared lemon pepper rotisserie chicken.

           "Hen-rietta!" Chicken Man cries.

           There are a bunch more flashes of light as every last citizen of Avesopolis is turned into various chicken dishes. There are chicken nuggets, buckets of VFC (Villain Fried Chicken), Chicken King deluxe chicken sandwiches, and more. After every citizen has been transformed, Chicken Man spies the mob of villains that have just arrived.

           "Oh no!" exclaims Chicken Man. "Crock Pot Man, Chicken Finger Guy, the Ave Culinarian, and everyone else!"

           The villains spot the feast, rush in, and start to ravenously devour all the delectable chicken dishes.

           "NOOO!" screams Chicken Man.

           But soon, all the chicken has been eaten, and the villains are picking their teeth with the bones. Then they spot Chicken Man.

           Chicken Man gulps as the villainous mob surrounds him wickedly cackling. Suddenly, there is one last flash of light, and Chicken Man is transformed into chicken nuggets!

           The villains argue about who gets to eat Chicken Man. They end up playing hen-poultry-villains to decide. Chicken Finger Guy wins.

           "Yes, Yes, YESSS!" squeals an elated Chicken Finger Guy. "I finally get to gorge on my arch nemesis!"

           Chicken Finger Guy quickly devours the nuggets and lets out a loud burp.

           "Hmmm..." remarks Chicken Finger Guy. "That wasn't nearly as tasty as I thought it would be. Oh well, now I no longer have to worry about that feathered nuisance! And with that, nothing will stand in my way of finally making Nuggets-R-Us into the galaxy-wide operation it was always meant to be!""

           So ends the last adventure of the Feathered Warrior and Mighty Poultry Crusader as he finally finds his permanent home inside Chicken Finger Guy's belly. Well, I guess it's not "permanent," but you get the idea. The world will never forget their beloved hero even after his remains are distributed throughout the sewage system. This is once and for all truly

THE END.

Pickle Man's Groovy Adventure

Joseph, the veggietastic Pickle Man, is lounging in his pickle jar hut watching the show...

What?! You really didn't think it was the end of the Chicken Man story, did you?

           Chicken Man finds that he's been teleported to Dr. Cluckingstein's lab.

           "Chicken Man!" exclaims the doctor. "I'm so glad I was able to save you in the nick of time! This morning, my machines picked up an anomaly in the space time continuum. Tracking it, I uncovered the Gallus Cuisinier's nefarious scheme! You see, he transported himself into the lost hour of Henlight Savings Time and is wreaking havoc. That is why you saw all the citizens of Avesopolis transformed into various chicken dishes. In that lost hour, it is like time is frozen for everybody except him, and he can therefore butcher and prepare all the citizens without a fight. To save myself from this dreadful fate, I erected a force field around the lab that prevents time tampering."

           "But what happens when that mob of villains tracks me down here?" asks Chicken Man.

           "Oh, I took that into account!" replies Dr. Cluckingstein. "When I teleported you here, I at the same time teleported some imitation chicken nuggets to take your place. They're the kind made entirely out of vegetables. As a result, the villains think that you are no more."

           "But what can I do for Avesopolis now that all the citizens have been devoured?"

           "I'm not sure," replies Dr. Cluckingstein, "but when I send you into the lost hour to confront the Gallus Cuisinier, you might find a way to undo the damage with some kind of time anomaly. I hennybacked on the Gallus Cuisinier's squawkdoor to gain access to the lost hour as well. I'll be able to use my computer to send you there!"

           Dr. Cluckingstein types into his computer, and soon a strange time vortex opens up.

           "Okay, Chicken Man," says the doctor, "just step into that vortex to be taken to the lost hour."

           Chicken Man takes a deep breath and goes into the vortex. What strange adventures await him? Stay tuned.

.

.

.

           Chicken Man finds himself in the lab, but everything is frozen in time. Dr. Cluckingstein stands there motionless.

           "Okay," thinks our hero, "It's time to head off to Avesopolis and see what I can do about the Gallus Cuisinier!"

           Chicken Man quickly flies over to the town square and finds the Gallus Cuisinier gloating in victory over all the slain chickens.

           "Now I just need to find Chicken Man!" the Gallus Cuisinier says to himself. "I thought I saw him here, but I guess I was wrong. I wonder why he isn't attending this Hen Fest."

           "Gallus Cuisinier, this time you've gone way too far!" cries out Chicken Man.

           "Chicken Man!" exclaims a shocked Gallus Cuisinier. "How'd you enter this lost hour?"

           "My good friend Dr. Cluckingstein came through!" replies Chicken Man.

           "Is that so?" scoffs the Gallus Cuisinier. "It's no matter, though, because I prepared myself just in case you somehow managed to break in here!"

           The Gallus Cuisinier whips out a huge gun.

           "You see this, Chicken Man?" cackles the Gallus Cuisinier. "I like to call it the Temporal Disturbance Cannon, or TDC for short! This baby lets loose a shockwave that disrupts the fabric of space and time. I'll just set it to immobilize, and you will be frozen in time!"

           The Gallus Cuisinier blasts the TDC, and hits Chicken Man dead on.

           "Ha!" exclaims the Gallus Cuisinier. "I didn't think it'd be so easy! Now to take revenge on that Dr. Cluckingstein for sending you here. I'll just drag you along so you can enjoy the show!"

           The Gallus Cuisinier grabs the now frozen Chicken Man and hauls him off towards Dr. Cluckingstein's lab.

           "Of course, a time-tamper-proof force field!" exclaims the Gallus Cuisinier as they arrive outside the lab. "This is no problem at all. I'll just set the TDC to time-tamper-proof-proof mode and disable this pitiful annoyance."

           The Gallus Cuisinier blasts the force field with the TDC, and it completely goes away.

           "Ha! How do you like that, Chicken Man and Dr. Cluckingstein?!" he raves.

           The Gallus Cuisinier heads inside the lab with the still frozen Chicken Man in tow. He finds Dr. Cluckingstein and pulls out another gun.

           "I've made a portable version of the Chicken Nuggetinator Ray Gun! It just saves so much time on preparation. I've already done so much work butchering and preparing lots of the other citizens of Avesopolis, that I just feel like going the easy route on this one."

           The Gallus Cuisinier zaps Dr. Cluckingstein with the ray gun, and the doctor is instantly transformed into a small mountain of chicken nuggets.

           "Ha ha!" squeals the Gallus Cuisinier full of wicked malice. "Now, Chicken Man, you can watch me eat the good doctor. I suggest you enjoy it, as it will be the last thing you ever see, since I'll eat you next!"

           The Gallus Cuisinier digs into the chicken nuggets, making all sorts of unspeakably evil snorts and grunts. Soon, the doctor is no more, and the Gallus Cuisinier lets out a rumbling belch.

           "Oh, excuse me!" he cackles. "It would have been better with barbeque sauce. Fortunately, I have some on hand, and I'll use it on you, Chicken Man!"

           The Gallus Cuisinier fires the Chicken Nuggetinator Ray Gun at our hero, and there is a blinding flash of light. When it subsides, there is a mountain of chicken nuggets where Chicken Man once was.

           The Gallus Cuisinier squeals in delight, and dives in, snarfing up the nuggets at a very unhealthy pace. Once again,

THE END.

The Salty Crusader Strikes Back

Joseph, the gherkinary hero of legend, Pickle Man, is taking a hot pickle juice bath. Suddenly...

Okay, okay, the Chicken Man story isn't really over yet. Sorry, Pickle Man, you'll just have to wait your turn.

Chicken Man sneaks up behind the Gallus Cuisinier and catches him in his trusty worm lasso.

           "WHHATT?!" shrieks the Gallus Cuisinier full of bewilderment.

           "Fortunately, just before encountering you, I drank a can of Red Hen energy drink," Chicken Man begins to explain. "I thought that you might try to slow me down or freeze me in time, so I figured the speed up from the Red Hen would cancel it out. Unfortunately, it took a while for my metabolism to build up enough energy from the drink to break free of being frozen in time. It didn't happen until just after you pulled the trigger. Fortunately, I also was prepared with a teleportation device, and I teleported out of the way in just the nick of time."

           "But what about these chicken nuggets?" asks the Gallus Cuisinier who's still confused.

           "Oh, those!" answers Chicken Man. "Those are imitation chicken nuggets made entirely out of vegetables. I teleported them to take my place so that you'd be fooled, and I could get the jump on you!"

           "Yuck, that's absolutely disgusting!" shrieks the Gallus Cuisinier as he spits out the nuggets that are still in his mouth. "No wonder they tasted so weird!"

           "Now I just need to figure out how to undo the damage that you did!" says Chicken Man.

           Our hero confiscates the Gallus Cuisinier's laptop and takes a look at it.

           "Hmmm..." thinks our hero. "Here's a generic space filler file for the extra hour we get at Henlight Savings Time in the fall. If I just rename that to 'lost hour' and replace the current 'lost hour' file with it, all the trauma from today should be erased and undone."

           Chicken Man replaces the file, and in a flash of light, he is transported back to the Hen Fest at the table with Hen-rietta. Startled, he looks around.

           "What's the matter, Chicken Man?" Hen-rietta asks. "It looks like you have a serious case of Deja hen."

           "You could say that." answers Chicken Man. "Excuse me, Hen-rietta, but I need to go and check on something."

           Our hero flies over to the PJA (Poultry Justice Association) which is now back just as if it had never sank into that wormhole. He goes to the Gallus Cuisinier's cell. He confiscates the laptop that the villain had used to hack the space time continuum and destroys it.

           "But, how did you know what I was up to!?" asks a bewildered Gallus Cuisinier.

           "Been there, done that!" replies Chicken Man.

           "What's that supposed to mean?" asks the villain, full of confusion.

           Chicken Man then spies the worm hole generator that the Gallus Cuisinier used to free himself before Chicken Man fixed the timeline. Chicken Man confiscates and destroys that as well.

           "NOOO!" sobs the Gallus Cuisinier.

           Chicken Man flies back over to the Hen Fest and enjoys the rest of it with Hen-rietta and all of his other friends. After it is over, they all say their goodbyes, and our hero returns home for a well-deserved break.

           "Wow!" thinks Chicken Man as he plops into his recliner. "Time paradoxes are hard to deal with and flat out confusing!"

           He turns on the TV to the show "Hen-name Chicks in the Next Coop." The episode is titled "SQUAWKING," which is code for:

           Sinister

           Queen

           Underhandedly

           Attacking

           With

           Killer

           Instinct

           Not

           Good.

           "Ah," thinks Chicken Man, "this is the episode where the queen of Foxsylvania attacks the chicks. It is quite the fight!"

           Chicken Man relaxes to the show and tries not to think too much about why the time paradox he created saved the day. All is well in the world again, thanks to the Poultry Warrior and never-to-be-eaten Clucking Crusader!