I Prefer a Regular Joe.

As soon as we locked eyes, I knew there was going to be a problem. 

Who do you think would be the very worst person to run into on your honeymoon?

What about your ex boyfriend?

Yea, you would think that. But what about your ex-boyfriend who you almost married?

Mhm. Mhm. That would be bad. But how about your ex-boyfriend who you almost married…who has super-powers?

Bad right? But Imagine this: On your honeymoon, running into your ex boyfriend who you almost married, who has super powers and is from another planet.

It was a long time ago now, but ours was a typical love story. Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Boy saves girl from being obliterated by a meteor sent to Earth by his arch nemesis bent on destroying him and the world.

Zay was a lot of things. A hero. A character in a hit movie. An inspiration to planet Earth. But  right now, he was just a man confidently strutting over to the table where me and my husband were sucking down our second mimosa of the morning. 

Ug.

I put on my sunglasses. I’m not sure exactly why. Maybe so he couldn’t read my facial expression. Maybe to hide my hangover. Maybe to avoid being blinded by the ultra dazzling rays he was known to literally shine with from time to time.

“SARAH!” He boomed.

My husband literally jumped in his seat.

“Zay….” I answered in a flat voice. 

“Who is…” Joe began, trailing off. 

“OHMYGOD” he said, interrupting himself. “It’s Zayanthiam the Great!”

Zay Nodded.

“Breaker of Chains!” Joe continued. “Liberator of All, Hero of the Battle of Honor and heir apparent to the throne of Xanatha!”

And oh ya. He was also a fucking prince. 

Zay thrust out a hand towards my husband.

“Zay to you.” he said, chuckling. “Any friend of Sarah’s is a friend of mine.”

My husband did a double take, rapidly rotating from gaping at me, gaping at Zay, gaping at me, gaping at Zay.

“Uh, Sarah, honey,” he said. “How do you know The Breaker of Chains? I mean uh, Zay.”

Zay’s grin grew wider as a silence stretched between us.

I covered my hands with my eyes.

“We used to date,” I said, looking down.

Joe looked like he was about to malfunction.

“You used to..you used to… you did NOT used to date Zayanthiam the Great”

“Yea, Sarah, we didn’t date.” Zay said and relief flooded Joe’s eyes. “It was much more than that! We were moments away from getting married!”

There was a screech as Joe pushed back his chair and scrambled out of it. He leaned his hands on the table and stared at me.

“Sarah. You almost married. The biggest hero. Our world has ever known.”

“She did indeed.” Zay said, tone becoming serious. “Until she broke my heart and left me at the altar.” 

Joe fainted.

Luckily, Mr. Hero was there though, and gracefully caught him. I sighed. Zay carefully lowered Joe into a lounge chair a few feet away.

“You’re looking great, Sarah,” Zay said, puffing out his chest.

“You uh… you t…” I started. “Well actually you look exactly the same as you did 10 years ago.” I said. 

Zay smiled. “It’s the Xanathan genes,” he said. “We age much slower than humans.”

“Of course, of course,” I said with more than a little sarcasm.

Zay took a seat in my husband’s newly vaccated chair.

“Sara Bee,” he said, slipping in my old nickname. “It’s so good to see you.”

I made a non-commital noise that could be taken in multiple ways.

“I’ve really missed you all of these years. I feel like we never really got any closure.”

“Mhm,” I answered, taking a long drag of my mimosa. 

“But I mean, that’s not just you,” he said, suddenly taking my hands. “As you know, I could never get closure from you. You’re the only one for me.”

I sighed.

“No, Sarah, listen.” Zay started. “This must be fate. The gods must have planned this. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I was supposed to be at a conference. But there was a slight nuclear disaster. I was going to leave it to a less prominent hero to take care of it, but something kept nagging me to show up. So I did. And now you are here. What are the chances?”

I violently pulled my hands away from his.

“What are the chances?” I nearly spit. “Of me coming here, to this tropical paradise, on my honeymoon, after posing about it on my social media for weeks?” 

“How would I know that?” Zay asked defensively. “I don’t follow you on social media.”

“You don’t follow me on social media?” I exclaimed. “Then tell me. Who else would “ZayvioroftheEarth1234 be?!”

Zay paused. “Uh…that could be anybody,” he said.

“You’ve been stalking me on social media…again!” I shouted.

“Not stalking…just….checking up on you…” he said.

I held in a scream. Zay kept a straight face.

“Zay!” I said. “It was one thing to do that when I was single. But now I’m MARRIED.” I was hyperventilating now. People were starting to notice. A hotel employee started making their way towards us. He noticed Zay and his eyes grew big.

“Uh,” he said with the utmost grace.

Zay gave him a dazzling smile and a wave.

“Hello my good sir,” he said. “Everything here is fine. We are just having a conversation. There is no need to worry.” 

“Of, of, of course Mr. Great sir, Mr. Zayanthiam, your highness of Xantha.” The employee backed up slowly, literally fucking bowing the whole way.

“Yes about that,” Zay said, turning back to me. “That guy. Really? He’s such a, a …well he’s such a regular Joe.” He said that last part with a chuckle, as if he had just told the funniest joke in the whole world.

“You have no right to comment on who  I do or do not not marry.” I said, head held high. “Now leave.”

“But Sarah.”

“LEAVE!” I screamed. 

“Now Sarah, Darling I….”

I lowered my voice to a tone so low that only I could hear.

“Leave, Zay.” I growled. “Or I will call your Mother.”

Zay’s eyes grew wide. 

“You wouldn’t!” Zay said, fear rising.

“Try. Me.” I said, staring him down. 

Suddenly, like magic, Zay was standing.

“It was great to see you, Sarah. Really,” he said. “I truly hope you and Regular Joe are happy together.” I rolled my eyes and Zay stormed off.

There he went, the hero of our galaxy: The man afraid of nothing. Nothing except his Mommy that is. 

I walked over to the lounge chair and shook Joe.

“Joe,” I said. “Joe. JOE!” I gave him a maybe-not-so-light slap. 

“HUH, WHAT?” Joe exclaimed. Relief filled his eyes. “It was just a dream, Thank God. I had a dream that you had dated Zaya..”

“Zayanthiam the Great, Liberator of all, Hero of the Battle of blah blah blah. Yea.”

“So it’s true?” Joe asked, gulping. 

“Yea, it’s true,” I said, looking down.

“Wh-Why didn’t you ever tell me?”Joe asked.

“You know. The whole Secret Identity Thing,” I said. “And plus! I did tell you I almost got married.”

“Not to royalty!” Joe exclaimed. “How could I ever compete with a literal superhero?!”

I sat on the chair next to my husband.

“Look, Joe,” I said. “It’s true that you’re no superhero.”

“Well thanks,” Joe replied, rolling his eyes.

“But that’s why I love you!” I finished. “With Zay everything was so… big. His responsibility. His ego. His p…”

Joe looked panicked.

“His uh, pride,” I said. 

“There was never any room for me in that relationship. I spent so much time alone. And the time that I was with him, it was all talk about him and his accomplishments. Sure yea, I passed the teachers’ licensing exam. Sure I dyed my hair. Sure I became the first human to leave the solar system to visit and become ambassador to another world. But none of it compared to Him. What HE did. What I did wasn’t important to him. I wasn’t important to him.”

Joe’s eyes softened.

“You’re important to me,” he said, putting his hand on my face.

I smiled.

“I know,” I said, leaning into his touch. “That’s why I love you.”

“You noticed my haircut. You came to my class’s dumb Christmas play. You cooked and fed me soup when I was sick.”

“Well of course I did,” Joe said. “Who doesn’t care for someone they love?”

“Zay didn’t.” I replied. “When I got pneumonia he stayed away from me for a whole month. He claimed that Earth couldn’t risk losing its greatest hero if he caught it.”

“ But he’s a superhero….? A little sickness would be nothing for him right?”

“He said he did not want to risk it.” I replied. 

“Yea, he’s not exactly what I thought he would be…”  Joe said,  cringing. He grabbed my hand. “I never thought the Hero of the Battle of Honor would run away shaking at the thought of someone telling on him to his Mommy.”

I smiled and squeezed his hand.

“You heard that, huh?” I asked, laughing.

“Briefly, when I was coming in and out of consciousness,” my husband replied. 

“Still,” he added, stroking my cheek. “I can’t believe you chose me over a superhero.”

I giggled, remembering Zay’s dumb joke.

“What can I say,” I said. “I prefer a Regular Joe.”