A Series of Unfortunate Proposals

A Series of Unfortunate Proposals

“Jingle Bellllllls….Jingle Belllllls….Soon it will beeee….Christmas Dayyyyyyyy”

Here I am, walking down the snowy sidewalks of 5th Avenue, New York City. Best City in the world. While headed towards the 30th Street Train Station, I can see that it’s looking even better than usual. Massive displays of luminary delight, Salvation Army ringing a bell on every corner, and FAO Schwartz displaying their toy selection in greatest splendor. 

Ahh, Christmas. Best time of the year right? 

Would be, if my girl would pay attention. 

We have been together 10 years. “Together”, as in “Going Steady”. Like we’re 16 or something. 

I’ll never forget when I met Kira. Her style and appearance was unmistakably sophisticated. She was sipping her latte, most likely of the pumpkin spice persuasion, with her red-framed glasses perched on the tip of her nose. I could see the textbooks lying about in a frenzied pile: “Law Ethics”, “Legislative Policy”, “Passing The Bar Exam”, among others. Intimidated slightly by her intelligence, I worked up the gusto to walk up to her.

“Come here often?”, I lamely queried, using a worn out pickup line.

“Starbucks?” She returned with a grimace. Can’t blame her, stupid question receives a stupid answer.

“Ha, very funny. I meant 5th Street.” I lied.

“Why?” 

Clearly I wasn’t getting anywhere. My brain was getting overheated with excuses to exit the conversation, when-

“I ask, because I was hoping you wanted to join me.”

And that’s how it all began. I’d never believed in love at first sight, that the whole thing was just a Hollywood marketing scheme. But that day in Starbucks, two soulmates were united.

Ten years have passed. Ten winters, springs, summers, and falls. About 300 Yankee games. Her graduation from Law School, my establishment of the most popular Italian restaurant in Manhattan. Countless nights on the couch binging the latest series on Netflix.

And ten Christmases. When I get to the train station, I am taking the 4pm to Staten Island. Tonight, Christmas Eve night, will be the most important of our lives. I have the most important Christmas present I ever got Kira, right in my wallet. 

A Vera Wang diamond ring, purchased from Zales. 

I’m going to ask Kira, finally, to spend the rest of our lives together. The hard part is, I am not sure what her response will be.

In the past, I’ve tested the waters with some vague comments. In my usual lame fashion, this came out with cliche quotes like, “I wonder what it will be like when we grow old one day.” “What do you think you want to do with your life?”, and my most courageous “Boy, we’ve been together for quite awhile, huh?”

True to form, my vague attempts led to some vague answers, including, “We’ll see what the future holds.”, and, “Boy, you sure think a lot!”

Hopeless as these exchanges may seem, our relationship is solid. Kira and I are inseparable and share so many interests and passions it’s scary. I’ve never felt worried that she or I would stray to another partner. 

The train pulls into the station of my stop. I text Kira, “Hey Babe, it’s Gary. Just getting off the train. Are you ready?”

Kira replies, “‘Course not.”

I grin, not shocked in the least.

While making the trek to Kira’s apartment, I run through the plans of the night. Mock gifts, which she doesn’t know are mock, dinner, and then out for the latest Bond movie. Can’t fail, right? 

Except I could make the biggest failure of the night, screwing up the proposal.

Suddenly nervous, I am distracted and slip on some ice. My gift bag falls, and I almost lose all of the mock gifts, when a passerby saves them. “Thank you, and Merry Christmas!” I graciously shout. Ok, first almost fail of the night, but I know I got this….maybe?

Knock, knock. “Hi Hon!” Kira opens the door and wraps me in her typical bear hug. She looks gorgeous in a cashmere sweater and leggings from Macy’s. “Wait until you see what gifts I got you!”

“Eager as can be!” I reply with feigned enthusiasm, hiding my fear.

We settle on the couch, ready to tear into our loot. 

“Boy I love Christmas Eve.” Kira says. “All the Christmas magic! How about you Gary?”

“Absolutely.” I reply, hoping tonight will be full of it.

After plunging through our boxes of cologne for me, books we swap, and a trendy scarf for her, Kira and I head to dine at Riverpark near Midtown. 

I’m psyched, because my strategy is going to be classy and unexpected. I’ve hired a pilot, a frequent diner of mine, to write “Marry Me Kira” in the sky. Sure, it’s been done millions of times, but Kira once loved seeing this display in a romcom we saw a few months ago.

“What are you having Hon?” Kira asks.

“I think the salmon bisque to start, then a round of crabcakes.”

“Mmmm, I don’t know if I want to order my own or just eat off your plate,” she says slyly with a wink. “You know that’s one of my favorites.”

“That’s for sure, “ I wink back. “I know you well Babe.” 

Not well enough to know if she is going to say Yes, I worried.

My cell phone dinged. “You ready? I’m heading into the sky now,” my pilot texted.

“Not really, but I have to do this.” I texted back.

“Ok, here goes.”

I turn to look at the beautiful skyline, perfectly viewed from Riverpark. “Hey Babe, look at the beautiful sky!” 

“Mmmmm, so gor-”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”””” Screams, coming from the kitchen. A crash, bang, then:

“FIRE!!!”

The crowd jumps up and rushes to the door. The owner tries to calm everyone and get safely out.

While guiding Kira safely through the masses, smoke billows and we struggle to breath. 

A fireman appears and extinguishes the fire.Thankfully, no one was hurt.

Except me and my serenity.

“You ok Babe?” I ask with genuine concern.

“Yes Hon. Gosh that was scary!”

“You bet. Think we should check if they need help?

Kira views the scene, squinting to get an idea of how severe things were. “It looks like they are good. There’s two firemen and three EMTs.” She replies.

“Yup, I see shaken faces but nobody looks injured. Thank goodness. Well where should we go? You must still be hungry!” 

“Yeah, well the movie is coming up. Let’s just head to a McD’s drive thru!”, Kira requests.

“I guess we’ll have to. Good call.” I agree with reluctance.

My phone dings. “You engaged yet?” My buddy inquires. “Ha, it’s been quite a night! I’ll text you tomorrow!” I reply with honesty.

“Let’s go Hon. Off for a burger.”

We hail a cab. I’m trying to figure out how to recover this supposedly special night. Is the presentation important? Or the outcome? I can’t figure it out. 

During the cab ride, we are quiet, trying to process what we experienced at Riverpark. I decide the outcome is more important. So, when the cabbie pulls up to McDonald’s, I come up with a seemingly ingenious plan. The driver hands us our meals, and I grab them. 

“Babe, let me look for which one is yours. Did you add fries?”

“You know I always get fries.”

“Ketchup too, right?” 

“Why the silly questions?” Kira rolls her eyes.

“Jusssst checking.” I say with a wink. I grab her burger, and act like I am putting ketchup on it. What I actually do is write “Marry Me” on the patty.

“Here, Babe, is this enough?” I hold up the burger, thinking she will look and see my Junk Food Proposal.

“Hey, is that your brother?” Kira grabs the burger while pointing out the window. 

Darnit.

I look, and, yes there is my slacker brother, in front of his favorite bar Henry’s. 

“Babe, where else would he be on Christmas Eve? Let’s eat up and catch the movie.” Trying to hide my disappointed frustration, I gulp down a large fry and a Dr. Pepper.

What now? Two fails. Is God, the Universe, someone trying to tell me not to try? 

Then my favorite speech kicks in, former President Calvin Coolidge’s called “Persistence”. It is my inspiration, my reminder that those who succeed are those who don’t give up.

Movie theater. How can I propose there? We have to be quiet during the movie. Ugh!

We get to the show. We stand in line for popcorn.

“Hon, do you think this will be Craig’s last Bond flick?” We both think Daniel Craig is the best Bond, and wonder if he’s genuine in saying this is his last run in the 007 series.

“Don’t know Babe. He said that last time. What I’m wondering is who is doing the opening track…”

“Not sure, I thought it was John Legend…”

“Be nice…” Then it hit me. John Legend! Kira loves John Legend. “All of Me” was the song we danced to, our first date night. We closed down the bar, swaying our feet until they had to persuade us to leave.

I decided I would sing “All of Me”, and towards the end of the song, place the ring in her hand. Genius! Then hold hands blissfully in the theater. Much easier than my original plan!

“Here’s your popcorn Babe. Extra butter, just the way you like it.”

“Mmmmm perfection.” Kira grinned and took the box. 

We walked towards the entrance to Theater 12 where 007 was about to start.

“Honey, it’s Christmas Eve, I feel like a song, don’t you?” I spontaneously stated.

“Right here? In line? If you want!” She responded with a small note of sarcasm.

“Allllll of me, loves allllll of you…” I smiled and broke out in the ballad. Kira looked amazed, and beautiful. We held each other, and it was a cozy moment.

I reached into my wallet, and placed the ring in Kira’s hand.

Or what I thought was the ring.

“A penny? Ha, what is this, a penny for my thoughts?” Kira started violently laughing, and I had to recover quickly.

“Ahhh, I meant to give youuuuu….your ticket!” I handed her the ticket, and tried not to get the ticket smeared from the sweat on my hands.

Could I be any less adequate as a male?

“Ok Hon. Well that song was beautiful. I’ll be remembering your voice while we watch the flick.”

I grinned with my best fakeness.

As we choose our seats, I am about ready to give up. Persistence? I think. Or stupidity? 

This is getting to be futile. 

“Hon, you know I don’t want much of this popcorn. It’s Christmas Eve. How about a little Choc-O-LOTTT?” Kira quipped.

Bingo! “You bet. Would be romantic to share a box, aye?”

Kira giggled like a teenager, and I scurried out.

Buy the box, get the receipt, “Do you have a pen?” 

The cashier must have thought I’d overdosed on something, sweating and barking at the guy about a pen with a Reese’s pieces receipt. 

“Here you go….Sir…” Sam, as his nametag read, handed me the small paper and pen.

Grab them both, write “Will You Marry Me?” and sprint back to Theater 12. Sam must have told his friends that night about the craziest customer he’d seen. 

The lights are still on in Theater 12, yahoo! Plan 4 might just work out.

“Babe, here’s the goodies. Hey, you want to check if the cashier rang me up right? I think I paid too much.” 

I start to hand her the receipt, Kira knocks it on the floor. “Hon, you’re always doing that, don’t worry so much. The guy seemed like he was alright.”

I’m giving up. For real for real this time. 

The opening scene starts. Daniel Craig is in usual form, hiding behind a pillar with binoculars. Some deviant looking fellows are breaking into a state of the art 2022 Lexus. 

These guys are a lot smarter than I am, I think.

How can I bungle up four proposals in one night? Christmas magic my foot.

We had so many previews, about ten upcoming flicks in the New Year. Half we’d see, half not.

Seemed like we had been there an hour before 007 started. Even before the previews, there were about 20 local commercials. Car dealerships, hair salons, banks, real estate- BAM!!!

Ok. ONE MORE try. 

“Babe, I drank too much soda,” I whispered in Kira’s ear. “Gotta run out real quick, be right back.”

She nodded, eyes glued to the movie, probably wouldn’t have heard if I said my leg was broken.

Run out AGAIN, this time to the guy at the projector.

Knocked on the door.

“Go away, no one allowed!” I hear through the door. 

“It’s an emergency.” I pleaded.

“Call 911!” the movie guy yelled.

“You need 100 bucks?”

I was surprised to hear hesitation, and then the door opening.

“What’s the big idea?” He asked gruffly.

“I gotta propose to my girl. I have tried four times tonight. First,...” I recounted the whole night.

“Wow, ok, ok. What do you want to do?”

“Write ‘Marry Me Kira. I Love You, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I can do that. That’s not hard at all actually.”

Relieved, I handed the guy a 100. 

“Thanks, I need money.”

“No, thank you. And play All of Me when you do it.”

“Sure thing.”

I race back. Kira is too involved in the plot to see me sweating to death.

We get to the credits. Kira starts to get up to go.

Not failing a fifth time, I say, “Babe, wait I want to see who played one of these parts.”

Kira rolled her eyes and sat, finishing up the Reese’s box.

The guy did what I asked. Kira looks right at me, smiles and starts crying.

“Yes!” She hugs me, and kisses me all over.

We are engaged. I am thrilled.

“You know, I love you and this is wonderful. But knowing your personality, I would have thought of a more grand display.” Kira evaluated.

Sigh. Maybe in ten years I will respond to that one.

-Next morning-

“We’re engaged! You’re not going to believe how it happened…” I texted the pilot guy first thing the next morning.

And that is how Kira and Greg’s life began.