Nature's Balance

It had been twenty-four years since she’d last seen it, but the place looked exactly the same. She stepped cautiously around the roots of the trees. Even the silence sounded as she remembered.

“Hello?” she called. Not expecting an answer. Not expecting to hear that voice again, despite the kept promise.

She ventured forward, scanning the gaps in the foliage. Magic still tainted the air, flirting on her taste buds. Honey, cinnamon, jasmine, wild rose… She still couldn’t name all the flavors in it. Her toe scuffed against stone peeking from under the moss, sending up a spray of faint sparkles.

“Everything looks like it did that day,” she pondered aloud. “So where are you?”

Sitting under the giant tree in the middle of the clearing, a towering sycamore, she waited. Leaves fluttered around her and wildlife scampered amongst the brush, offering some music to pass the time. Her eyelids began to grow heavy, lulled by the sweetness of being back here, the place she credited with where her life truly began. Grass began flying underfoot as memories of that day slid to the front of her mind.

Branches had ripped at her arms as she forced her way past, ignoring the thorns catching at her skin. One hand tried desperately to keep her upright as she hurtled over the uneven ground, while the other held the hem of her shirt to her nose. Already it had stained red over most of the pink.

Sobs echoed over the rocks and around the trunks of tall trees that blocked out more and more light the farther she ran. But she didn’t want to stop. She just wanted to get away.

At last, she came to a clearing. Collapsing under the tallest tree there, she allowed the rage bubbling in her stomach to release in an anguished scream. After that, her cries were much quieter.

They were soft enough that she became aware of another voice, crying just slightly softer than her. When she held her breath to better hear, the other voice quieted, unsuccessfully trying to hold in its whimpers.

“Hello?” she hiccuped, wobbling to her feet.

No answer. Leaning heavily on the trunk, she made her way around the side, searching amongst the roots. A flash of grey caught her eye. Bending closer, she saw it was one of the jaw traps hunters use. And caught within the teeth, the fiery fur of a young fox.

“Oh, you poor thing,” she sighed, kneeling next to it.

It snapped and snarled, trying to mask the almost-human whimpers still filling its throat.

“I won’t hurt you, I promise. I think we’ve both been hurt enough today.”

The trap didn’t want to open. She tugged harder, the metal biting into her fingers. With a last cry, she wrenched it apart enough for the kit to wriggle out. With a kick of her foot, she pulled her fingers out before they could be clipped.

Ignoring the stinging, she turned to the little snarling fox. “I know you’re scared,” she murmured, “but I won’t hurt you. Can I see your leg?”

Her soft words seemed to soothe the animal some, and though its teeth remained bared, it stopped growling. Gently as she could, she checked the wound.

“You’re very lucky. I don’t think it’s broken.”

With the help of tears left by her flight through the forest, she ripped off the hem of her shirt to use as a bandage. By the time she had finished, the little creature had calmed enough to rest his head in her lap.

“There we are,” she said, smiling wide as she stroked his ears with the back of her knuckles. “I knew we’d be friends.”

Scooping him up, she leaned back against the tree. Sighing, she let her head droop, staring at the tree tops swaying together. Tears began to leak again, more gently this time, just tiny drops sliding down her cheeks. The fox sat up, staring at her intently. 

It took a whine and a paw pressed against her chest for her to laugh. “You must think I’m silly, huh? Or maybe not. I am all bloody, so maybe you think it makes sense to cry. After all, you did too.”

The little fox didn’t answer, but tilted his head to the side as if listening.

“You have very pretty eyes, don’t you?” she asked, scratching the top of his head. “I’ve never seen such a dark gold color before. But then again I’ve never seen a fox this close up before.”

He yipped, wet nose pressing to her blood-caked chin.

“It’s ok. Not as bad as it looks, probably.”

She tried to cuddle him to her chest, trying to avoid that intense stare, but he wouldn’t stand for it. Jumping free of her arms, he put his front paws on her knee and cocked his head.

“It’s really fine,” she sighed. “I just say the wrong things sometimes. I’m not the son my dad wants me to be.” Tears flooded her eyes again, pouring out to wash away some of the dried blood. “But it’s only because I don’t feel like his son at all.”

The fox whined, pawing at her arm as she finally gave into the swelling grief.

“Why am I like this?” she wailed, clinging to his fur. “Why can’t I be normal? I’ve tried so fucking hard to just be the boy my parents want, but I just can’t! I can’t make myself be that way and I don’t know why!”

Her sobs became hysterical then, as all the pain held in over the course of her life clenched her heart too tight. The fox let her hold him as she shook, patiently waiting until her cries dwindled into hiccups.

When finally she had calmed enough, he hopped down again. Looking her in the eye as he backed up, his fur began to ruffle and flair in a strange way.

“What are you doing?” she wondered, rubbing at her face.

Next she was struck dumb, unable to look away as his limbs began to elongate, fur fluffing into orange and gold feathers that covered a strong chest. As the creature stood, huge wings burst from behind, spreading to reach from one edge of the clearing to the other. Gold sparks sprang from the center of his chest, floating down to cover the ground in a glittering dust. 

Another set of arms suddenly opened wide as though to draw her into an embrace, and colorful crystals poked through the feathers and grassy skin as the horns sprouting like saplings brushed the lowest branches. She couldn’t tell if they were a man or a woman as she stared up in awe, wide eyes entranced by the face that grew out of the fox’s. It was only later that she would wonder how she hadn’t been afraid.

When the transformation was complete, the creature looked down at where she still sat huddled amongst the roots. It was their turn to kneel before her, head cocked to the side as they took in her reaction.

“May I?” A voice flavored with honey, lilies, cinnamon, and other sweet things flowed from their mouth, as they extended a hand towards her.

Barely daring to breathe, she nodded. The creature took one of her hands in theirs, folding it into the soft warmth. Tiny glowing speckles of gold traveled from the star beaming gently from their chest, down along their arm, and over her. The light kissed like a light breeze, but she felt the power as it healed her nose and fingers.

She took her hand back, stretching the fingers and rubbing her nose. There was no more trace of blood anywhere. Looking back up at the creature, she whispered, “Thank you.”

They nodded, still studying her. She waited a moment, but when it didn’t seem as though they were going to speak, she ventured a question.

“What are you?”

They smiled at that, a smile that produced dimples amongst the crystals that studded their face. “I am a two-spirit. Guardian of this forest and the natural world.”

“But isn’t that… aren’t two-spirits human?”

“Some are. As you may have guessed, I am not.”

Humor wasn't something she had expected from this ethereal beast. A laugh bubbled up, a manic sound that lasted just a bit too long. But the creature waited patiently until she was able to gather herself.

“Why do you carry so much pain?”

Dropping her gaze, she took a moment before answering. “Because I hate myself.”

“Why? You are perfect as you are.”

The next laugh that popped past her lips was pure disbelief. “No. No, I am not.”

“Of course you are. The person you are is exactly who you need to be. That makes you perfect.”

“Maybe… but I don’t like the way this perfect is. This isn't perfect to me.”

The creature studied her for a long time, molten eyes boring into her soul. She’d never felt so exposed.

“You are perfect. Outsides matter little in this regard. Your perfection isn't something you can see. It is something felt by others, in the way you navigate the world. It is because of who you are that you freed an insignificant animal from death.”

“I don’t understand.”

Their smile was full of thorns, she realized. Yet she still felt no fear as they replied, “You are you because of all the trials you have passed in this life. Is that not perfect?”

She stared at them, unable to tear her gaze away. They sighed, lowering themself to the ground.

“Born a boy, you would have grown to be your father with influences from your mother. Born a girl, you would have grown to be like your mother with influences from your father. Is that not how all your siblings have grown to be?”

She nodded. Her family was so close-knit that sometimes she couldn't tell who she was talking to.

“Do you particularly like how they are, as people? Do you think they could have empathized with a simple fox kit?”

That brought her up short. She didn’t. She hated the way they treated others, the way they believed themselves to be so superior. They could never see things from the perspective of others. She could never stand to be around them for very long.

Looking back into the creature's eyes, she saw they were nodding.

“You were born exactly as you needed to be, in order to become yourself.”

“But that isn’t fair!”

They startled slightly, mossy eyebrows raising. “And why is that?” 

“Why should I have to hurt this much?” she whispered, staring at her hands. Glistening tear drops began to decorate them. “Why do I have to struggle? Couldn’t I have just been born a girl to a different family?”

“Ah,” the creature sighed, bowing their horns. Slow as receding ice, they slid down the trunk to sit beside her in the decaying leaves. “Even I do not have the answer to this. In truth, I had never thought of the possibility.”

The two sat in silence for a long time. When she began to shiver, they spread a wing to wrap around her shoulders. Leaning into the warmth, her head fell onto their shoulder. 

“I am going to fulfill your wish,” they said suddenly. “I stand by what I have told you,” they said quickly, holding up a hand before she could speak. “But I can also understand the pain in your words. The world may be full of unkindness, but that does not mean I must adhere to it. When you wake, you will notice the differences. They will be slow, to start. Your body cannot handle a complete transition all at once. But you will become a woman in sex, to match your mind and soul.”

“I… I don’t understand.”

“That is your wish, is it not?”

“It is but…”

“Then you shall have it. Think of it as my way to repay you, for looking past the simple fox face and seeing a living, breathing creature.”

She threw her arms around them, feeling the heat from their star-crusted heart. “Thank you,” she whispered, tears dripping down their feathers. “Thank you so so much.”

Slow as a tree grows, their arms curved to cradle her back. They sat, embraced, for several minutes. But when she opened her eyes, she was alone. Only the still fading heat on her cheek, the sweetness still tickling her nose, and golden sparks upon the ground told her that they had been there at all.

“Come to find me?”

Her eyes shot open. Before her was the creature, dazzling as ever. Scrambling to her feet, she beamed at them. “I needed to thank you. I didn’t think you were real, for a while, until the changes became noticeable like you said. I would have come sooner, but I had to leave. I’ve been living as myself on the other side of the country, thinking about you every single day. I never imagined I would be able to live a happy life, but you gave me that chance. I will never be able to thank you enough.” She bowed low, choking on the strong emotion bubbling up.

“You would have found happiness without me.”

Before she could assure him that no, she wouldn’t have, the stark change that had occurred in them caused her to catch her breath. They no longer seemed to embody both a woman and a man at the same time, but rather had morphed into a much more masculine figure. In addition to that, they seemed tired… drained.

“What’s happened to you?”

They looked away, studying the flower buds swaying overhead. “I have been transferring part of my spirit to you, these past years. My gift to you has been my feminine essence. That is how I was able to change your physical body.”

“So you’re…”

“I am no longer a two-spirit.”

She fell back against the sycamore, ignoring the bark pulling at her shirt as she slid to sit where she had all those years ago. “I am so sorry,” she whispered, when she could finally speak.

“No, I am the one who should be sorry,” he said, weariness strong in his voice. “If I am to live, I must return to the realm I was born in. If I stay much longer, my spirit will collapse and I will cease to exist.”

“Why are you sorry about that?” The tears glistening in her eyes made it hard to get the words out.

“Because in giving you part of my spirit, I have unknowingly twinned our souls together. We cannot exist in different realms, because our lives are now too interconnected. You must come with me… and I do not know how long I must ask you to leave your life and your home for me.”

“Don’t be sorry about that right now,” she said firmly, brushing away the tears. “I’m the one who should be sorry. If I had known, I never would have agreed to let you sacrifice so much for me.”

“No,” he murmured, finally looking her in the eye as he knelt beside her. “I have learned much every time I visited you, feeding my spirit into yours as you slept. Forgive me, I knew precious little about humans when last we met. I always thought them so simple… but you are one of the most dynamic beings I have ever had the honor of meeting. I was able to watch as you grew to love yourself. And that is all that matters.”