At long last

The last will and testament of Mary Shed

As told by Mary herself at 99 she does well and wants all her family to know this:

Dearest family,

As you know, I am getting on a bit now, at 99 years old and still feel like a teenager dancing on bars on holiday and chatting up the young bingo callers. But all in all, my life is reaching an end of milestone and here I want you to know that I love each one of you. (Yes, even you ray.)

My darling ray I will miss you when I am gone , but time has come to its essence and I need you to understand that I want my will written like this not worrying about what the family think.

So here it is a list of things I want done when I clock my socks and leave this divine world and enter a beautiful light. Here are the ten things that are essential that you follow at my ceremony and celebration of my life.

1.    First things first my top priority is to sell the house to the kids but there is a but I want you Ray to bungee jump out of a plane screaming my Mary hackles lived and died for life and may she be remembered with carefree spirit of life and light I know you don’t like heights but you will have the benefit of getting through this with the support of the family. P.S Ray good luck with your steady leg, HA Just joking love you really old spice , but I am not joking about the jump now your have to do it there is no backing out of a good thing. Hold onto the possibilities of life my dear one love your wife beloved by all Mary. Now I got that out the way let us get to the next point oh the joys and wonder of my will this is fun you know. (Mary laughs hysterically)

2.    Second thing now this probably should have been the top of my list, but it is at number two. I want is for the whole family to come together under a rainbow collecting gold what I mean by that is I want the whole family to wear colours at my funeral I am looking at you Tina my sister no black or white please my life was always full of colour so I want all the colours of the rainbow spirited out in my funeral and I want the song happy played in the background by Pharrell Williams and your so me dancing in my own coffin.( you can’t get rid of me that easy, can you Ray.)

3.    Thirdly I want my ashes yes my fire crackers to be shot into space I want them to belong with the stars so when each and everyone of you look up at the sky you will see your shinning star shinning the brightest down upon you.

4.    Fourthly is this list still going on oh yes I want all the bar men that I danced on the bar with to join hands at my funeral and sing and dance ‘’ it’s raining Mary ’ that means ray you old swine you have to pull the cork from the wine HA and see that those young men are all in there places singing loudly for me , can you do that for your love of your life.

5.    The fifth thing I want is I want you all to have fun lose yourself I don’t want a tear in your eye I want it all to be dry and I even want the vicar to read this Mary was a life that gave humour and light within don’t even think she will not come back to haunt you because she probably will. Get it will lol oh the joys of being a 99-year-old flake and having the fun of a light-hearted teenager.

6.    I want you to each embrace with a candle of light what I mean is get merry and bright and have fun in the light by getting drunk as a Skunk.

7.    Oh, are we on number seven already I want at my funeral to not have readings but to have a person come in to tell each and everyone you how much I loved you and life?

8.    We nearly coming to an end but number eight is my friend but it is my friend because I want my sister and my brother to reunite with a single sense of humour light we all know I was the laughable one the one that always lit up the room well now I am giving you the honour dear brother and sister too (drum roll please) there is a loud thud in the room where Mary bangs the table in anticipation for her drum roll I want you too tell a joke and to tell that joke to the world by appearing on a comedy show where you will be told to only have your first joke as your first answer so get your thinking caps on because it’s a brotherly sisterly love that it becomes a rival as the one who gets the joke right to a tee will be going on holiday to dance on a bar how cool is that and the judge will be ray of course so , make sure ray they perform to their best.

9.    Number 9 just add another 9 and you get 99 which is me well my family I want you to listen carefully I want you to all get together and sing and dance with every beat you know from line dancing to bingo calling.

10. Last but know means least I want you all to have fun and to cherish the times we all had together before I get too cheesy I want you to just release my body into space make sure you do that with a rocket and not a gun I am looking at me great grandsons who are in the army do Nanna proud and shoot me in the sky but remember with a rocket not a gun and I will love you forever my dear ones.

Well that is it from me your beloved Mary shed

But make sure that you do all that is instructed in the Will otherwise I will come back and haunt you all so make sure ray keeps his promise to me and to you lot always

Love

Mary a mum, a nan a wife and a sister

And occasionally a pink fairy