I am selfish

A hut ! 

Yes it was a hut in the middle of the forest _ 

My favorite childhood place to go _ And still it's my favorite place ...

MAYBE it was my only real HOME on this planet _

so, it happened on a Friday Evening when we packed our luggage to spend a weekend in Our Village _ 

It was just a weekend trip , Just like a usual one ..

Those were ending days of June but weather was so nice , slight winds from the north were making the air chill_

I could see the shaking heads of delicate plants and leaves were making a melodic hustling sound_ 

Clouds coming close and then moving apart , little splashes of thunder were adding to the overall theme of sky _ 

Sky started to turn from blue shades to grey ones ...

Mama and baba were gossiping about rain predictions _ 

I CAUGHT a sight that no one in the car was looking at me , all were busy in gossips...

I TOOK THE PLEDGE !

SLIPPED my right hand out of the window 

I just let it flow with the air pressure_ The wind touching my hand was so soothing ,

Within an hour or two , I don't remember , we arrived at our family house in the village. It was our large ancestral house , Main gate opened up into a lawn _ My GRANDPARENTS were fond of gardening and their taste was surely depicted in the house _

EXCEPT ONE side of the house there were all open fields _ At the rear side of house there was a JUNGLE ....

MAYBE no one else calls it a jungle , but I do because I try to treat things in the way they are , “in a SPECIAL WAY "__

Catching a moment that no one was looking at me __ 

(believe me ! these escaping moments are so special and life is filled up of such moments)

I stepped out of the Main door , 

for exactly two minutes I stood there in my off white shirt ,plain blue trousers and my favorite sneakers ___ 

I glanced at the vastness of scene , 

The SCENE WITH no end , 

 no destiny ,

it was just spreading the joy with the things NatUrE has bestowed upon it ___ 

MY HEART predicted that its gonna rain within an hour ,

I tiptoed towards the left of the gate and took a narrow trail surrounded by weeds .....I placed each and every step of mine very carefully and THANKS to my dusty sneakers for keeping my feet safe__

 when I reached near my jungle-place

 I felt like all the leaves OF nearby trees were DANCING_

 I noticed even the smallest leaves on the endings of bowed branches and found that they were dancing too....

MAYBE it was a sort of welcome , as all family members welcome a hostelite kid returning back home after a long term

 AFTER that welcome fantasy, I stepped into the jungle place of mine passing some rows of trees and feeling the love associated with that place made my heart dance___

AND THEN I WITNESSED THE MOST blissful thing , 

IT APPEARED ,

THE HUT ! 

surrounded by a group of large trees ,

it's ROOF , which was once made up of bamboo sticks and other raw stuff , Got shattered badly __

it's DOOR was just a rectangular wooden piece having some holes in it _ I pushed the door and it opened up giving a cracking sound 

Without wasting my time ! I SAT DOWN on the ground to feel the real essence of place_ 

Wild flowers were growing in between the cracks of wood ,

A beetle on the largest leaf of a WILD plant was making its sound _

ALL THE little things were adding to the music and harmony of place _

AFTER SUCH A LONG time my soul Breathed properly,

I was lost in the melody of place that something mingled into my HAIR _ I rushed my fingers through my hair but found nothing _ I stood up In hurry after hearing that disturbance again but nothing was there !

Maybe just a random vibe : I thought_

I began to remove some kinds dirt attached to my hand and In no time something made that sound again ! but this time it was not just the sound , not just a vibe ,it was something ! something my eyes couldn't catch at the moment _ 

HURRIEDLY ; I moved my eyeballs in search of it , but instead of me chasing the butterfly _ BUTTERFLY itself came spinning around me and made its place nicely at my index finger :)

That feeling just took my heart away _ 

I pulled my hand closer to my face to note down each and every pattern on it.... 

A glitter sprinkled into my eyes and I removed my glasses gently , For that moment my eyes began to see properly even without glasses_

But how it happened and why it happened ?

why my eyes began to look so clearly even having the flaw ! MAYBE because that place was my HOME and Homes ( can be persons , places or things )_ they will always look over your flaws and will turn them into something good _ something unimaginable .....

I started to note every pattern of the butterfly in the dusty pages of my mind ... 

BLACK curved pattern on the outer edge of wings with a silver lining beneath,

then a twisted braid kinda pattern of turquoise and orange shades were adding to the beauty of my sight...

IT TRIGGERED up the feelings lying at the bottom of my heart_

While I was counting on the colours of third pattern , it hustled to make a flight , and by the quick moment of my hands I grabbed it between my palms , SOMETHING churned up in my stomach .....

I guess it was a fear of losing such a precious thing I got after sooo longgg ....

it was unique of all its kinds ....

My HEART BADLY wanted to have it and I seriously mean it .... I wanted to keep it in a glass JaR .... 

whose cap will be decorated with fairy lights at the edges __

I thought I will place a hand embroidered Matt at the bottom of it, in the JAR ..... 

On the outer side it will be adorned with Navajo white and Tiffany blue coloured small stones , each stone patterned with golden lines ___

My thoughts collapsed when butterfly began to struggle in my hands _ I could feel it's delicate wings toughing my skin ___ its movement was becoming harsh __ I was feeling its struggle but instead of all that I didn't allow it to escape because I wanted to keep it __ 

A feeling shook my heart in the worst way __ I wanted to keep it in the JAR and carry with me every where , I wanted to keep in that CAGE or else I wanted a wonder , to fly with it and touch the horizons _

This longing was the strongest one I ever had ! wanted to cage something !THE WEIRDEST THOUGHT :(

another wave of paralyzed emotions that hit my mind ,

WAS THAT me being SELFISH ? 

WAS IT THE selfish longing to keep the thing which I loved the MOST ?

WAS IT ME being over possessive?? 

WAS IT so bad to give my whole world to a single butterfly ? and In return I just wanted it to be with me ?? 

WAS IT REALLY ME ? FINDING pleasure in such a small thing ??

And 

then 

all of a sudden a demon ' MAYBE the one who resides in my body spoke out louder in my ear ___ 

“YES YOU ARE SELFISH" 

and I think the demon was right_ 

“I AM SELFISH " 

right then , a drop of rain landed on my forehead _

I rubbed my eyes .... I guess I was stepping back to normal senses __

But all of a sudden ! the movement between my hands stopped _ 

there's was peace 

no struggle ,

no fight ,

just a silence just like after a WAR ____

Bloods in my veins turned cold for a while , 

Air hardened around me 

Rain drops were now splashing my face 

I unlocked my hands ! 

and the sight was deadly ,

it cringed my heart , a terror grabbed my heart , I felt like drowning into water___ BECAUSE WHAT I SAW WAS THAT ; BUTTERFLY WAS NO MORE 

It was such. heavy corpse that My hands couldn't carry ! 

My feet got heavy too ...

I was unable to move ....

my whole structure got heavy .....

I was the person who always tried to escape the moments but this time I wanted to escape myself _ 

It was getting difficult for me to bear myself anymore_

I could clearly hear the laughs of demon inside me __ 

there was only one way ! 

I mustered up so much strength to perform its last rituals _ but couldn't do so ! 

I WAS UNABLE 

MY SO CALLED SELF was unable :(

MY eyes found a place , it was a bunch of leaves making a shelter like structure where no drop of rain was hitting the ground ! 

With a heavy heart and trembling fingers I placed butterfly there , with a broken heart 💔 

COULDN'T BEAR THE SIGHT ANYMORE ! 

I turned towards the wooden gate _ Felt like every single element was saying something to me but I promised not to look back ! that day,,, the sounds also got blurred ___ Nothing was meaningful to me anymore _ the only sound which I could hear was that 

“I AM SELFISH "!!!!!! 

but This time it was not the demon It was my own heart saying that ! 

My vision got blurred and I remembered I had a flaw , 

I found my glasses lying silently on the ground ,

PicKed them up and Wore them ! 

My eyelashes got so heavy but somehow I lifted them up and noticed something _ I witnessed a movement in the leaves where I placed that butterfly ! 

my eyes glowed up,

my cheeks blushed because I saw the butterfly moving , its one wing was moving ! 

It Was ALIVE !

A SIHGHHHH!!! and then I burst out in tears .... I let the frozen tears out .... smile popped up from one corner of MY LIPS

It was the smile after getting a hope ! HOPE OF LIFE 

A HOPE , that will last forever _

I didn't dare to touch the butterfly again ...

I just stepped back ..

stepped back from my selfish self .... 

NOW I could listen to the every sound , I could heart the voice of all elements out there....

I guess my home Was offering me farewell , 

But I Ran ! 

ran back ! 

again an escape :) 

~PICASSO ,🦋