Bread and Butter for the Journey

Submitted into Contest #168 in response to: Write a story that includes someone saying, “Bon voyage.”... view prompt

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Funny Adventure Science Fiction

Let’s take a little trip, 

On a rocket ship

To the far side of the moon. 

You can start a brand new life, 

Free from all the care and strife. 

For the old planet is doomed. 

Begod, I wish I could get that damn jingle out of me head! If I hear it once more I swear to ye, I’ll eject me-self from the hatch, no suit nor nothin’. 

But that would defeat the purpose folks. Ye see, I’m not meant to be here at all. I sorta snuck onto the ship. 

Oh be sures, they’ll let us Dubliners build the feckin’ thing, but could we get a ticket? My blue balls we could! 

It is cold in here, mind you. They could well be blue. 

But anyways, I knew the ship well enough to be able to hide away in the cargo hold. Bejaysus, it was rough going through that atmos- that atmos-at-atmos. Feck it, it was very bumpy leaving Earth. But it’s all settled now.

Ah I’m just like me forefathers hiding onboard ships bound for Amerikay. But how could you colonise a new planet and not invite any Irish? What’s the sense in that? I only wish that shamrock hadn’t gone extinct, could have brought a pocketful of that with me too. 

Begod, what’s that noise? Ah it’s just me belly rumbling, getting a bit peckish. But I’ve a heel of bread with me and a slap of butter. That should keep me going. 

I wonder how longs the journey bes to get from one planet to another? I mind I was on a bus to Kenmare once. Five bleedin’ hours it was! When was it ever five hours to get to Ken-feckin’-mare? And, worse than that, not a bite to eat the whole feckin’ way! So I says to me-self this morning that I’d be smart and take something to keep me going. And there’s nothing better for ye than bread and butter.

Bon voyage as they say. Why do they say that? What’s a bon? Is it half a Bon-Bon? God, I love Bon-Bon’s. 

Might take me-self for a wee dander here, stretch the legs a bit. I always thought that ye were supposed to float in space but Mickey Moloney was telling me these ships are fancy and they stop ye doing that because they spin. Or they don’t spin. Or something about angles. Or angels. I didn’t really understand it to be honest. 

Do ye know Mickey Moloney yerself? He’s fierce smart. Pity he couldn’t get a ticket himself. 

For the old planet is doomed. 

Ara-dammit that bleedin’ jingle! 

Begod, what are those things there? They’re like giant eggs. Oh boys, we could be on to a winner here! Forget that bread and butter, a giant fried egg would go down well. But I’d need a bit of brown sauce. 

Hold on a minute, these eggs have little windows and wires coming outta them. Could fit me-self in one comfortably they’re that big. 

Begod! There’s a face in the window!

“Here boy, wake up! You’re in an egg!”

He can’t hear me. Must be a heavy sleeper. 

Begod, there’s people in all these eggs! All of them asleep, the lazy blighters. I could never sleep on transport. I tried to sleep once on a train to Galway but I ended up wettin’ me-self.

These eggs are giving me the creeps. I don’t like it here no more. I might take a wee dander out, see what’s about. 

Ah here, that rhymed. I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. 

These spaceships are wile fancy, aren’t they? All the lights and gizmos. 

And look at that floor, so clean ye could slap yer dinner down on it and drink yer tae off it. Begod, I’d swear that that’s polished concrete, if I didn’t know better. Ye see, concrete is heavy so there’s no way ye would fly with it. Although this ship did have big rockets, now that I come to think about it. 

I didn’t work on the inside me-self. No, I tightened the wheel-nuts. And I tightened them well. It’d be a good man could get them loosened, let me tell ye! So, I expected a ticket to come my way, after the great job I did. But no! They just laughed at me and said it was for Vee Eyepees, whoever he is. But ye’d think they could have given us both tickets. I tell ye, them big-wigs don’t have much in the way of common sense. Not like the likes of us. 

Begod, where in blazes is everyone? I was worried I’d be found out but there’s nary a saint nor sinner to be seen! 

“Hello? Anybody there?”

Oh I don’t like how that echos. That damn polished concrete makes it very eerie. And all these lights glimmering off every surface, their electric bill must be shocking! Ha! Electric, shocking, get it? Ah begod, I amuse myself. 

Everything hums here, at least I have that for company. This must be what it’s like to live in a fridge. I never lived in a fridge myself, mind you. I’d imagine it’d be cool. Ha! Get it? Cool, fridge! I’m on a roll here. 

Slap, slap, slap. I never knew my feet were so noisy. Do spaceships make your feet heavier? “Oh no sir, I’m not fat, I’m just in space.” Ha! Must remember that one. 

But seriously, where is everyone? The passengers, the crew, anyone! This is like something out of those old films, ye know the ones with all the aliens? Ah, what do you call them? The aliens are big black slimy things and an alien bursts outta yer man's chest. Ah, what’s the name of those films? There was a load of them. ‘Fast and Furious’ I think. Oldie time films anyways. 

Bejaysus, I’d nearly take an alien at this point, anything for the company. Well, maybe not one burstin’ outta me chest but ye know what I mean. 

Could do with finding the jacks too, not to be crude. I don’t suppose the people on this ship would call them jacks. Probably use some fancy-ass term like lavatory or toilet. Snobs. 

But if there’s no people there’ll be no jacks. And if there’s no jacks, there’ll be no toilet roll. I mean I could do me business in the escape hatch and eject it out into space, but that still leaves me with no feckin’ paper. Ah there must be a jacks somewhere. 

Maybe this computer here will tell me where they are. Let’s see. This button?

Access denied. 

Ah shite. She has a lovely voice though, wonder where she’s hiding. 

Incorrect command. 

Ah double shite. Sorry love. 

Access denied. 

Ah away and shite yerself then!

Welcome aboard the IG Lux 4187 to Kyphon. Please select from one of the options for more information. 

Finally! Begod, they don’t make these things easy. Now, what have we here? 

Ship news? Pfft, no. 

Entertainment schedule? Might come back to that one. 

Travel information? Aye, that’ll do. Might have a map there. 

Estimated travel time: One Hundred and Seven Years. 

Ye what!?  Over a hundred years? That’s a wile long time to be here on me own with nary a sinner about! And what am I to do about me dinner?

Jaysus, where did I put that bread and butter?

Ah here it is - whoops. 

Ah bedamned, I’ve got it all over the screen. Sure who’ll know if I wipe it clean? 

Oh what’s that done? What does that say?

Master override complete - initiating total shutdown. 

Sorry love, what was that? Didn’t quite catch it. Why’s it gone so quiet? Ah who’s turned the feckin’ lights off?

October 16, 2022 21:52

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14 comments

Michał Przywara
20:55 Oct 17, 2022

Ha ha :D Love it! Great voice and the action is crystal clear (to us, at least, if not to him). The butter on the cake is the ending, which is just perfect. Not only does our MC shoot himself in the foot, but it's also justice for the hubris of Mr. Eyepees, who thought so little of the little people that made his life possible. But dang it, now I can't get that jingle out of my head.

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Riel Rosehill
22:20 Oct 16, 2022

Woohoo, I love this story! And this ending is very satisfying - ah, nothing more entertaining than an oblivious narrator! 🤣

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Jay Mc Kenzie
23:49 Oct 17, 2022

Yes, Sean! Love this story.

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16:23 Oct 17, 2022

Fun story about the consequences of what could happen if the person who builds the ship can't afford a ticket. Great writing pulling this off with one character telling us the story. Nice twist with the 107 years surprise and the shutdown.

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Anne Marie Miles
13:23 Oct 17, 2022

A very entertaining story! Loved the narrator's aloofness and humor. "The aliens are big black slimy things and an alien bursts outta yer man's chest. Ah, what’s the name of those films? There was a load of them. ‘Fast and Furious’" - LOL Cool plot and fun use of this prompt. Well done!

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Daniel E Gagné
12:41 Nov 12, 2022

Great twist on the prompt. Definitely would expect a grand send-off rather than a stowaway.

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Sophia Gardenia
22:44 Oct 30, 2022

Oh my gosh, this is so funny! Especially the puns. I love the narrator's unique voice and how he has no idea what's going on but we do. The ending is stellar as well. My favorite line: "Bon voyage as they say. Why do they say that? What’s a bon? Is it half a Bon-Bon? God, I love Bon-Bon’s."

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Rebecca Miles
19:28 Oct 27, 2022

This was an absolute hoot. Living here in Germany, they try to plug Kerrygold butter using the most terrible Irish jingles and accents. Jaysus! Your narrator, does a much better job of keeping us hooked in his plight and we're laughing along the way. Just grand ,-)

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Graham Kinross
04:29 Oct 27, 2022

Your humour really comes through here. Well done.

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Cindy Strube
05:23 Oct 26, 2022

Great narrator voice - rather naïve and yet a bit sarcastic, all in one! It was a blast to read! ; p And I could absolutely hear in my head, that lovely voice saying “Access denied”… I used to go to a chiropractor whose secretary was a quite plain woman, with a naturally seductive sounding voice. I think they hired her to record for IG Lux 4187! Great fun!

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Mary Lehnert
01:49 Oct 23, 2022

Sean you are a stitch. How do you get away with it! Please keep writing

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Aeris Walker
03:02 Oct 22, 2022

You really can’t help but read this thing and smile. The voice, the slang, the humor—all just fantastic. This is probably the most enjoyable sci-fi I’ve ever read. These lines made me chuckle: “They just laughed at me and said it was for Vee Eyepees, whoever he is. But ye’d think they could have given us both tickets. I tell ye, them big-wigs don’t have much in the way of common sense. Not like the likes of us.” “I don’t suppose the people on this ship would call them jacks. Probably use some fancy-ass term like lavatory or toilet. Snobs....

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Zelda C. Thorne
18:00 Oct 18, 2022

Bahaha I giggled and the bit about electricity and then the fridge and then that film with the aliens... LOL Fun story 😀

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Suma Jayachandar
13:40 Oct 18, 2022

Haha, great voice and humour Sean. Thoroughly enjoyed reading this!

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