Matchmaker

"For the hundredth time, Anna, I'm not going to do this. I'm already 74 for gods sake!"

"Congratulations! I see your brain still works, you can count that high! You still got that charm, gramps. Women are going to love you."

"I'm not quite sure that's what women focus on. "

"No gramps, of course they do. Men focus on looks and women focus on brains. Lucky for you."

"Gee Thanks. A guy likes nothing better than to hear he's ugly."

"Psh, you're not ugly. You're just a bit too old to be good looking. See, you got the wrinkles here and here... oh and here.. and if you pushed this part back.."

"Mmpf. Get your grubby hands off my face!"

"Okay okay sheesh."

"Why are we doing this again?"

"Because you love me and I said so. Look, just give me your phone, you'll thank me later."

"Look, I appreciate you wanting to help me out and stuff, but I'm not interested in finding a woman. Particularly one my age, well I mean unless she's a stewardess. Then I would make an exception."

"A stew what? Okay it doesn't matter whether she looks good or not anyways. People your age have poor visions you don't notice the difference."

"Gnk."

"Grandpa... it's been 11 years. She would want you to be happy."

"Well, you're obviously mistaken. You don't know grandma as well as you think you do. Of course she would want me to be happy, just not with me trying to be happy with another woman."

"Well... I mean we can always try. Then when you get to heaven you can get all the yelling from her."

"Don't I get a say in this too?"

"No, now please give me your phone."

"Don't you have your own? What do you want with mine?"

"Grandpa.. haven't you been listening to what I've been saying this entire time?"

"Of course I have, honey."

"We're going to install dating apps for you so you can get out and meet women and live life like you used to."

"Apps?"

"Just hand me your phone."

"...."

"Please."

"Fine."

"What is this? A blackberry flip phone? Are we in the 90s? Do you even use the internet?"

"Well, if you bothered to visit your sad old grandpa more often, you would-"

"Okay, okay. Don't try to turn this on me."

"Plus, the phone works just fine, I see no reason to change it."

"Okay I see this is a lost cause-"

"Finally. Thought I'd never heard these words."

"Let me finish. This is a lost cause WITH YOUR PHONE, so we're going to use mine instead!"

"Aw, geez."

"Okay now, sit still and look at the camera."

"What the hell are you doing now?"

"We need a profile picture for the app gramps. Now look at the camera. 3...2...1.. Click. Hm.. okay. I think the problem is the clothes you're wearing. But I guess it'll have to do for now until we get you some new ones."

"What's wrong with these?"

"Nono, what's right with them is a better question. You look like a hillbilly."

"Have you perhaps, considered the fact that it's because I am?"

"No you're not. You're just Southern. And since we're on that topic, please lose the accent. It just doesn't sound intelligent and you know that-"

"Yeah, yeah. Women like intelligent guys. And I'll be sure to tell them I can memorize the alphabet and count to 74."

"Now that's the spirit! Ok, now let's see... What type of women are you looking for? Brunette? Blonde? Asian? Mix?"

"Maybe I forgot to mention the fact that I wasn't looking for any women?"

"Adventurous, sassy, likes a really good time, and is very sexy. Got it."

"... I don't need to get laid."

"With that uptight attitude and the beard, it's a surprise you ever got any, gramps!"

"GNk."

"Okay, how's this?"

"Darlene O'Connor. 68. Likes bingo and reading. Sounds boring. Next."

"Here, just take the phone. We're going to be looking at some profiles of women. If we swipe right, it means she's acceptable. If we swipe left, it means she's a loser." 

"Who are we, Mengele?"

"Who?"

"Never mind. I'm not comfortable deciding who is worthy and who's not. Seems like we're playing God."

"You're not playing God. You're just deciding which women you like. Everybody does it."

~.~.~

"Soooo? How was the daaaaaate?"

"Stop dragging your words, you're creeping me out."

"..."

"It was fine, I guess. Though she left halfway through lunch and said she had some family emergency."

"Oh god. What did you do to that poor woman?"

"Nothing for goodness sake. I just said that I didn't want to be here and my granddaughter forced me. A few minutes later, that old lady looked as if she was going to burst into tears so I excused myself to go to the toilet. By the time I was back she was already gone. She didn't even bother to pay for her half of the check! That little-"

"My god, grandpa! How could you say that to her?"

"I just wanted to come home, Anna. I'm tired and old, I'm going to die soon so why bother?"

"Grandma wouldn't like this. She would want you to be able to move on. If she saw you in the state you are in right now, she would probably bash your head with a hammer."

"You're right about that. I guess she wouldn't want me to be miserable. Just like I don't want you miserable. I can't believe you're spending so much time on this. You're spending it with some old guy. You should be doing something fun with someone your own age, don't you think?"

"Grandpa, the universe has a funny way of breaking us all apart. Wallowing in the past isn't healthy. You know that grandma loved you until the minute she passed away. And you know that in your heart, no matter what happens, there would always be a piece of it that belongs to grandma. And that information alone should be enough. I love you grandpa and I want you to be happy. Always."

"Aw, now you're making me all emotional and sappy. I love you too kid. Okay. Shall we give the dating app another try?"